It's My Money and I Need it NOW (Grubby & Devi)

Another day, another fuggen gold piece. 'Cept I'm out about 5 of that Vee See, whatever the fuck it was. How the hell ya supposed to use plastic pieces'a bullshit to pay fer junk? I seen some stupid things in my day but puttin' all yer gold in one magic hunka cardboard sounded to me like an easy way to get robbed. Just gotta grab that 'lil piece a shit and hightail it, lose yer house in one go. It don't jingle though and I guess you can carry a lot of it just right there in yer underwear like I do, that's the good part. Anyone who'll try and rob my crusty ass better like rotten eggs, cuz they're gonna get their hands on a pair. Anyways I'm up at the store today, big shop fulla all the bullshit you could ever want. Fat boy snacks, hammers, gold encrusted chainsaw dildos, if you got a pleasure ya can get it in one'a these places. Fuggen sickens me. I remember halfin' to haul my green ass halfway 'cross town just to get to the tavern with the ale I liked and back the other way cuz the other one had that wench with the cute ass but now you can just get all yer shit in spot and get the fuggout. It's not a damn experience no more.

But I'm here to do somethin' today. I'm here fer vengeance, motherfucker, and payback's a bitch. When I bought that juice with the round danglies on'em I was thinkin' they'd be cherries and I could ferment that shit into sweet wine but it was fuggin' crab apples! What fuggen absentee god shit the fuggen bed and allowed this to exist?! I tell ya, makes me so riled I could strangle a cat, and I like cats. They mind their own damn business and don't givafuck, reminds me'a me. Now I ain't takin' this shit without lube, nosiree, not a fuggen chance. I'm gonna show these bureaucratic soap-smellin' tie-wearin' assholes what fer! So I get in line and wait all polite like. Hey, I'm here to be an ass pain to that guy at the counter, I might be fuggen outraged but I ain't no prick. These people ain't do nothin' 'cept be here. But I'm waitin' and I'm waitin' and I'm stewin' on all the shit I'm gonna scream at this pasty-faced robotic sumbitch. Think I'm gonna use a liberal amount'a shitdick, that's a good one. It's subtle yet strong with a fine disgustin' odor to it like Parmesan crotch cheese. But I get to the front'a the line and I toss my juice up on the counter there, ploinks the damn golem right in the fuggen eyeball.

"How may I help you today?" it says to me, all nice and polite like. Fuggen jagoff.
"Ya can help me by not sellin' me donkey piss in a jug!" I shout at the damn whatsimacallit.
"Is there a problem, sir?"
"You bet yer non-existent pecker I got a problem! Ya sold me fuggen crab apple juice!
"PROCESSING TRANSACTION... Thank you for purchasing ONE JUICE CARTON, CRAB APPLE. Thank you for shopping Toha, have a pleasant day!"
"Tha fuggen- No you limp fuggen shitdick! I don't want the damn juice, I want ma damn Vee See back!"
"I am sorry sir, Toha Heavy Industries has a strict policy on refunds."
This motherfucker...
"Aright asshole, I can play fuggen ball. I ain't moven a goddamn worm dick until I get mah damn money back!"
"Your transaction has been: APPROVED. Please exit the queue at this time. Thank you for shopping Toha!"
"I'm gonna thank my foot all the way up yer metal ass if I ain't get mah fuggen five Vee See!"

'Course I'm makin' a scene. The fuck did you expect? I don't care what this asshole's got goin' on in the fuggen metal brain box, he better get me my damn gold back.

Convenience store? The demon had heard the term before, but honestly the only stores that he had stepped in were hardware stores and clothing stores. Nothing that sold food or anything like that because honestly the creature, whether three folk or one, didn’t have a need for the food of reality. He could eat any and everything and if need be he could even create food to eat right on the screen and feel as if he had eaten the food of reality. Being a creature of ink had its perks, but also its downsides too. See because he didn't need the food of reality, he didn't understand the need for convenience stores either. Sure it had things in it, but outside of that the appeal to it was quite a mystery to the demon and perhaps that is why the creature had decided to go and visit one today.

Following an odd pair of creatures that resembled some cross between a snail and human, the demon easily walked through the automatic doors stepping clear of the slime trail the folk ahead were leaving behind and the little bot that scurried to clean it all up. That alone was fascinating enough; however, the demon would soon be putting that all aside when he looked up to take in the rest of the store. Well convince was indeed a word for it. It had everything from food to clothing here and even some other things the demon wasn’t quite sure what was for. Curious, the demon took a causal walkthrough the store sampling whatever free samples he could get while looking at the variety of food and items available. He honestly hadn’t planned to buy anything, but uh...this coffee press thingy. He couldn’t pass that up. It was too nice and unique and to be frank this was one of times when ink didn’t compare to the real thing. Coffee. So delightful. Yes, the demon would pick up the coffee press, a box of sugar, a carton of heavy whipping cream, and a nice bag of perfectly balanced coffee...or so the bag said, but whatever.  Point was, the demon was pretty happy as hr moved into a line looking at the items in his arms with a pleased smile; however, that smile would soon fade as he heard a fuss coming from near by and looked up to where the sound was coming from.  

In a few lines over there was this big guy seemingly having a rather loud conversation...er….correction argument with the checkout bot. So from what the demon could hear the guy wanted his money back for something and the bot was instead seeing it as a transaction? The demon would blink at that one, but a second later would find himself moving to a shorter line to purchase his stuff just so he could hurry and pay..... And then go back in the store to drift over to the line where the big guy was and everyone else was avoiding like the plague. Stuffing the bag inside of himself - literally - the demon would turn his attention to the big guy who was apparently standing his ground against the machine.

With a pleasant smile, or as pleasant as a fangy grin could be, the demon would speak out to the other as he flicked his tail.

“Excuse me, but perhaps we can help you with your problem, yes?” the demon ask not trying to save anyone or anything, but rather trying to interact with something that had caught his eyes. And you know what? This one smelled delightful too. Where did this one come from to have such a smell and such elegant word choices? Hehe.

I'm thinkin' I'm gonna have to rip this asshole a new asshole. Nah I ain't gonna fight the shitbird or nuthin', but I can be here all fuggen day and as unpleasant as I wanna be an' if they throw me out I'm gonna keep comin' back. There's a few things ya just don't fuck with in the world. An orc with a ragin' murder stiffy and nuthin' to lose, anythin' the wizard's got and doesn't know what it does, and a goblin's fuggen money. I tell ya what, I'm fuggen old. That means I done my fair share'a waitin' in my life so I'm good at it. I can wait out a fuggen statue is how good I am at waitin', and I'm gonna fuggen wait here in this line until I get my fuggen Vee See back is what I'm about to fuggen do.
"Your transaction has been: APPROVED. Please exit the queue at this time. Thank you for shopping Toha!"
"Not 'til I get my damn money back."
"Your transaction has been: APPROVED. Please exit the queue at this time. Thank you for shopping Toha!"
"Not 'til you get me mah damn 5 Vee See."
" Please exit the queue at this time. You are obstructing the line for the other patrons. Thank you for shopping Toha!"
"Obstruct yer mouth with my green dick, I ain't movin' til I get my money."

So's everyone in line is gettin' hasty and testy and all the other y's that ain't mean good things but I ain't fuggen budgin'. Ain't my fault I can't get a refund and I'm gonna root myself like a damn tree til somebody that ain't a fuggen dumb shit golem swings by and gets me my gold back. I could not would not give a shit sir, fuck you very much. An' it's gotta come from them too. It ain't about the gold, s'bout the principle. A rogue don't let no one con'im and let that shit lie. Then one'a them freaks'a the week comes up to me, real goofy lookin' bastard. Got a big damn face, I don't even know what ya'd call it otherwise. Demon tail too, but I stopped fuggen carin' about that. Plane'a Shadow's fuggen filled with the tricky pricks and ain't none of'em try to jump me yet, s'pose this one just wants to help me so he can get his shit paid fer. Don't know why he ain't just take it, if I were one'a them pitchforkin' baby eatin' motherfuckers I'd just grab a handful off the shelf and walk out the fuggen door, the fuck I'd care? But I ain't gonna say no here cuz this is what I want. I'm makin' a fuggen scene, damnit, fuck all y'all. Want mah damn money.

"Sure can, fucko," I says. Might not be nice but I ain't Nice Grubby right now. I'm Gimme My Fuggen Money Grubby.
"I ain't leavin' til I get mah damn Vee See back from this metal jagoff right here so's if ya can tell'im in maybe nicer words that I'm gonna stick my foot so far up its backside that I can scratch it's tonsils by wigglin' my toes that'd be swell. Sooner I get my damn money, sooner I ain't gonna be no one's problem no more."
"I am sorry sir, Toha Heavy Industries has a strict policy on refunds."
"And I got a strict policy on assholes, I fuggem. Look, I gave ya the damn juice back just give me mah damn money back. It ain't fuggen necromancy. Juice. Money. Simple fuggen shit."
"The price of: ...JUICE... is currently: ...FIVE... Virtual Credits."
"Yeah. I'm fuggen aware'a that." What a fuggen piece'a work this one...

Well wasn’t this escalating into an entertaining show? How sad he didn’t think to buy snacks for this. Though maybe he would have snacks if the big fellow broke the hardworking server bot. Inwardly, the demon was laughing in amusement at the whole thing while others didn’t appreciate the scene either becoming agitated or just down right fearful of what was happening. Some left grumbling and some didn’t even bother at all, however, this little demon wasn’t moving anywhere. No. No. This was much too fun and perhaps it was that fun that made the demon speak out to the other and in turn got such a lovely nickname right off the bat! Fucko. Delightful no?

The demon was unphased by the hostility as he chuckled softly at the situation and folded his arms. “You are wasting your time. It will not give your money back. In fact, from what I am understanding of this situation, this station will only continue to charge you or give information about the product you are buying. With that being said, we assume this is a purchase only booth and thus lies your problem. Perhaps there is a customer service station for these sorts of things here in the store,” the demon said looking around a bit….though he could only make out the check out stations. Hmm. Perhaps some more exploring would do.

He look upward for a moment thinking. “Or if there is none, then perhaps there is another way to get the money lost back,” the demon said as his red eyes drifted to the juice cartoon the other was trying to give back before looking back at the other. “You simply have to find a buyer.” Logical yes?

Fuggen imp brings up a lotta good points. Pretty damn dern sure I could get my money back somewhere's else. Could sell it my shop as fuggen poison to coat yer blade with, I bet it'll kill seraphs or some shit cuz that stuff's gotta be demonic somehow. Crab apple juice. What the fuck kinda mad alchemist thought that shit was a good idea? But I ain't gonna do none'a that. This ain't about the juice, never fuggen was. This about a man's pride. The pride he got in not gettin' fuggen swindled, a bein' able to get his money's worth outta somethin'. I ain't gonna let the system put my fuggen ankles behind my head and take me to fuggen pound town, no fuggen sir! They can take their gatdamn juice and choke on it til I get mah fuggen money back.


I tell'im straight, may as fuggen well. Ain't like I'm an ungrateful old bastard, suggestions is good but this ain't somethin' that needs it. I ain't about to lay down and let some rich motherfucker work me over just cuz he got more shit than I do. Sometimes ya gotta take a stand fer what ya think is right, grow some hair on yer nuts, stand up tall and tell'em I ain't gonna fuggen tolerate this namby pamby bullshi-
"Your transaction has been: APPROVED. Please exit the queue at thi-"
"Pipe down, motherfucker! I'm havin' a fuggen moment here!"
"The price of: ...PIPES, THREE QUARTERS INCH BY TWELVE FEET... is currently: ...NINETEEN... Virtual Cred-"
"I'm gonna price you upside the damn head if you ain't shut yer damn cock hole!" I ain't gonna lie, three quarter-inch pipes fer almost two gold ain't a bad deal. Gotta remember that the next time I'm here, could prolly make some shivs if I wanted to sell'em.
"Good fer nothin' copper-plated cock sucker. Anyways I ain't need no help 'less you can make a fuggen smart tea pot see reason. I'm old, I ain't got shit to do, I got all the time in the whole damn world to make myself a pain in the ass 'til it's smarter to just gimme my damn money back than lose customers. This ain't my first rodeo, pitchfork. Shit's all about the bottom line an' they can kiss my fuggen bottom line if they think I'm gonna be a damn pansy about gettin' robbed in broad daylight."
"I am sorry sir, Toha Heavy Industries has a strict policy on refunds."
"Yer fuggen momma fall outta the ugly tree when you was conceived an' catch herself on the stupid stick or what?"

I know, I know, I'm gettin' nowheres fast. Prolly gonna get thrown out on my ass at this rate but I don't fuggen care, I'm sendin' a message. I'll give it a bit longer 'fore I go lookin' fer someone that ain't some piece'a shit golem to gimme my fuggen money, but I ain't worried a damn bit. I gots the time an' nothin' to do with it. They're gonna have to rip me outta this spot kickin' an' screamin' first.

Hehe. This was becoming more and more entertaining by the second. The demon would shift his weight to the left as he tilted his head at the other considering his words rather than being ruffled by the rough nature of them. "Well then you will probably die there and never get what is owed to you. These machines don't seem to do anything outside of advise prices and sell things. I am afraid you'll have to try elsewhere to get what is owed to you." Honestly the machines weren't going to bow to human nor creature. The only thing that may be able to best the things were hackers or other machines, but as it stood now? The green man wasn't going to win.

As if to prove the point, the machine began talking again, trying to shoo the guy off, but he wasn't having it. And my, my would look at him get so angry? Sheer beauty that one! The demon would keep his grin upon his face quite amused as he watched the show; however, he would have to go from spectator to participant as the other decided to speak to him again. Once more he seemed unphased by the way the other delivered his words.

“Tea pots are more clever than sales bots; however, if you have to time to waste. How about we really do have tea? Snacks and drinks? We can help make the stay more comfortable. For you see, we too have nothing to do.” Except study this fascinating find here. Just how long would this one stay here? How long before security came? And would he actually be able to finish tea time before something came up to ruin this most wonderful entertainment? He had to wonder and that is why this little demo stayed right where he was watching the green man and the machine considering the potential for so much delight here.

Stingier'n a goddamn dwarf this one. The fuck I gotta do to get mah damn money back? Balance a bone on my nose an' do fuggen flips? Soup pot lookin' ass prolly ain't even notice if I keeled over, just ask me to get out the line. Buncha heartless bastards, can't even give an old man the money he paid what fer the juice he got screwed on. But I got time. I'll fuggen wait yessir I will. Ain't gonna budge until I get my dough, ain't no rusty helmet gonna pull the wool over Ol' Grub.
"Good!" I says, "If I fuggen starve to death in line just means I make myself even more of a inconvenience fer these oily jagoffs. Hope I shit myself when I go, leave'em a 'lil partin' gift." I thumb my nose at the demon shit waffle, ain't like to repeat myself. "I already tol' ya pitchfork, it ain't about the damn money it's the principle'a the thing. Grubby ain't gonna get pickpocketed right where everyone can see just cuz the guy behind the counter touched in the damn head. He gotta gimme my coin'er I ain't movin' a fuggen inch from this spot even if ya set mah toes on fire."
"You are mistaken, sir. My sensors detect no fires within the building."
"That's fuggen great, ya detect the fuggen money ya owe me yet?"
"I am sorry sir, Toha Heavy Industries has a strict-"
"Yeah yeah I fuggen know, shut the fuggup ya limp-dick no brain-havin' rust bucket dirty lyin' cheat rat bastard sonova busted fuggen pocketwatch lookin' window lickin' slumbitch."
"...I am sorry sir, I cannot process that request."
"*keh hackUH, hrrrRRRRM!* ...mleack...yeah no fuggen shock there asswipe." Damn, don't usually go on that long a fuck you in one sentence. Kinda fuggen thirsty now. If only I wasn't sold shit juice, greedy gold sniffin' dick biters. Bet if ya opened up a crypt a them motherfuckers ya couldn't find a damn backbone to save yer life.

An' then somethin' happens that I ain't never expect. A get invited to a tea party by a demon. A fuggen pitchfork stabbin' blood drinkin' sumbitch wants a chat over tea 'n biscuits. Lemme just go get my prettiest dress an' the brandin' iron real quick, I tell ya, this motherfucker. But ya know what? I'm gonna do it. Gonna make a big ol' show a me sittin' here wastin' everyone's time, time is money an' those assholes owe me my money's worth. I go from scowlin' at the imp to puttin' on one'a them big toothy grins.


I hear the rest'a the line groan an' belly ache an' start bitchin' at me but I don't fuggen care.
"Aw cry me a gatdamn river! He gonna waste my time, I'm gonna waste your time, an' we ain't movin' til I get my fuggen goddamn money back so get fuggen comfy!" I turns to'em an' says. One way'er another I'm gonna get what's owed me, even if they throw me out an' I gotta come back. Fuggit, might as well sip some dandelion with a pit fiend, piss people off some. I ain't got nothin' better to do but cause problems anyways.
"Your transaction is complete, please vacate the queue at this ti-"
"Vacate my money outta yer damn pockets rusty shit stack, can't ya see I'm fuggen busy here?"

The demon would chuckle at the response given. “My, my. Planning to go out by giving the machines a gift despite how cruel they are being to you?” The demon would glance at the machine with a thoughtful expression before looking back at the other. “You are quite the man of honor and justice. You certainly put these machines to shame.” Well at least it was nice to say wasn’t it? In the end unless the guy planned to break the machines or do some other illegal act he wasn’t going to get his money back. Too bad he didn’t get the message or the fact that the demon had gotten his message loud and clear the first time.

Sighing a bit, the demon would look off to the side a bit peeve the other felt the need to repeat himself. “I heard you the first time. Though I do wonder what will happen when it finally hits you that said he will not give you your money back. Also I have a name. It’s Devi. What is yours?” he would ask looking back at the other… just as the machine started fussing at the guy to go away. Hmph. That could be annoying for sure, but on the other hand an interesting background noise for other things like tea parties. And would you look at that!

After all that fussing, the strange man was actually giving him a smile and taking his offer for tea. How delightful! Well now. One must not disappoint. “Excellent!” The demon would say with a clap of his hands much to dismay of the others around; however, if anyone thought this was a joke they were far, far mistaken. With a snap of his finger and a bit of ink magic the demon would indeed create a nice table, the item drawing itself out in the black ink before solidifying into a solid black table that would settle easily between himself and the other. Two chairs would also draw themselves into existences along with cups and plates. Each item becoming solid the moment the sketches of them were completed and they settled on the table.

During this whole process, Devi wouldn’t move an inch as an invisible hand seemed to create these things and bring them into existence. When the table was set, the demon would grin as he dug in his cape pulling out the tea pot he bought, a can of something that had to be tea, a bottle of water, and two brown paper bags of something. How he was pulling all of this out of his body and not showing any signs he ever had anything on him was indeed a mystery and one the demon did not seem to be bothered by as he got the water in the tea kettle and after digging into himself one last time set up a burner to warm said water.

“Now then,” the demon would begin flicking his cape a bit, revealing the inside to be red and wing like briefly, before he was settling in his chair and grabbing one of the two bags. Sliding it towards the other he would speak. “There are some delicious pastries in there. Just got them earlier today and thought to save them for later, but sitting here and sharing with you is much much better than that plan,” the demon began with a grin before being rudely interupted by a customer that dared to come near.

“Umm you can’t do that you know? Have a tea party in the check out lane,” the customer would begin, but would quickly shut up as Devi swiveled around to sit backwards in the chair to look at the other with a serious expression.

“I have the right to have tea parties where I wish. Besides, the gentleman here isn’t moving so logic dictates that as long he is here this lane close. Therefore usable for whatever we like to use it for,” the demon would say.

The customer, a strange fish like woman, would frown. “But I need to use the lane to buy my items,” she would complain. Closing his eyes, Devi would nod in understanding.

“Yes. Lanes are used for that; however,” the demon would open his eyes again. “This lane is our lane and you have plenty more to choose from. So why not choose another?” he would ask as he gestured to the other lanes about. The woman would glare at him before muttering something in another language as she rolled her basket away apparently pissed. Shaking his head at the woman, the demon would turn to face the other again. “People these days have no respect or manners,” he would say as he dug into the bag by him only to pull out a handful of nuts, bolts, and nails...and pop them right into his mouth before chewing on them with a surprisingly soft crunch.

Persistent 'lil pitchfork, ain't he? Prolly wants my fuggen soul're some shit. Jokes on him, traded that thing away fer a bacon'n tomata sammich back in my twenties. Damn that was a good sammich I remember, was all moist an' everythin'. If I had my fuggen soul back I'd trade it away again fer another sammich I tells ya.


Still my fuggen day cuz I'm still dealin' with fuggen bullshit. Gonna be my day til it's my last fuggen day an' the world can kiss my wrinkled green ass. Have'em bury me face down, make it easy on'em. Alls I want is my damn copper back, s'all I fuggen want. S'posin' I cost'em ten times what they owe me but they'll fuggen learn. Ya ain't cross a gob an' ya ain't cross an old one, them ornery bastards can wait out a fuggen tree. Speakin' from experience. I did that once. Sat in front of an a dryad I known was a dryad til the water in the ground ran out an' they had to give up the ghost. Might'a helped that I got tired'a waitin' an' set it on fire but I'm still countin' it. Now, I'll be a damn liar if I said I expected a damn imp to be serious in throwin' a damn tea party but I'm a dumb bastard with no imagination. Jagoff's fuggen serious. Pulls that shit right outta the air there, I'll be a fuggen gnome's uncle.

Now I'm dumb but I sure as hell ain't stupid. Soon as I sit down s'gonna be a one way trip to the Lower Planes, I seen it happen before. Don't like my chances. But I been one to play the chances. I'm a damn goblin adventurer, the fuggeye give a shit about chances? So's I sit down on the damn... colorin' book table there. Fuck me I gotta be touched in the damn noggin. So's I sit down at the table there an' I drink from the fuggen bowl. Tastes like fuggen chalk. I smack my lips an' make a face, was expectin' fuggen blood or piss or fuggen just water fer a change but chalk wasn't one'a them answers.
"They taste like the damn water yer better off savin'em there, bucko." So I keep sippin' on the chalk water cuz it's there. S'fuggen free water, the hell ya want from me? Ya know, water costs money now. Ain't that some shit? Ya used to go to any ol' stream're a well an' get yer water that way but someone dicked that up an' now ya gotta pay fer it. Heartless bastards. Smart too. Wish I woulda thought'a that. Monopolizin' water, welcome to the fuggen future. Damn vultures.

But a'course we can't just have our 'lil sit-down without people gettin' uppity. Some kuo-toa asshat comes up an' starts makin' a 'lil fuss but Devil there shuts her the fuck down. Huh. How 'bout that shit? Gotta respect someone what ain't take no shit, ain't gotta like'em but ya gotta respect it. World's filled with a buncha spineless self-defensive jagoffs with fragile 'lil images that don't take to a few bad words.
"Wastin' yer fuggen breath there jagoff, the demon's right there. We ain't movin' so hit the damn bricks. Golem's fuggen broke anyhow."
"Please vacate the-"
"Quit yer bitchin' tin can, we'll vacate when we's good an' fuggen ready."

This ain't half bad. Better'n just whilin' away here tappin' my dang foot til I get my money. I could do worse. I take another gulp a that there chalk water listenin' to the imp run'is mouth. Shit ain't half bad if ya ignore the chalk flavor.
"*sluuuuuuuurp* ...people ain't got no respect nowadays. Remember back in the day ya used to be able to buy some damn juice from the shopkeep there an' he ain't rob ya blind. Well he'd fuggen try to cuz that's his job, to get yer money, but ya could always call'is bullshit an' ya get what's yers. Now they's usin' golems an' it just ain't the damn same. Who's ass I gotta wallop to get my damn money back? I gonna hit the damn golem? That ain't satisfyin', I wanna hit the shopkeep fer bein' a slimy fuckstick. Fuggen world's goin' to the Lower Plane in a handbasket I tells ya. Bet yer rollin' in the damn souls right about now." This ain't what I pictured my afternoon to be, sittin' down fer a cuppa with a damn demon. But I done weirder shit. 'Least there ain't no wizards yet. Gonna piss me off if'n some'a them magic motherfuckers poke their long noses in.