Crash Test Grubby [Grubby's Work Thread]

Another day another couple'a gold coins what to call my own. Still the workin' poor I tell ya but I been spendin' money like it's goin' outta style. Ya gotta stock up on healin' potions if ya wanna get through a dungeon like this one an' ya gotta pay the price. Don't remember'em costin' yer firstborn but then again I ain't never buy a dozen at a time. Can fuggen see why too, I'm droppin' more gold than a gnome drops my damn expectations. But if yer gonna keep spendin' ya gotta keep workin' else you'll be out on yer ass without a pair a pants. So I ain't pickin' up those cans no more, shit's bad fer my health. Think those jagoffs broke my damn nose last time but I busted some balls so they got the short end of the shit stick. Still ain't wanna do that twice though. So's I get to lookin' through the shoppin' district an' whatnot, figure someone needs a motherfucker to do somethin' what ain't hard. Sweepin' floors, stockin' shelves, liftin' boxes, that kinda shit. So's I get lucky an' I find me some work, testin' fuggen equipment too. Figure I can get paid real good by tryin' out lockpicks an' stabbin' daggers in things, easiest money I ever made by far. Even easier'n makin' fun a 'lil girls an' gettin' paid fer that too.

Talkin' to this short fatass guy what's covered'n hair, gotta flat face too. Wearin' one a them clean white coats what you sees alchemists wear. Sumbitch maybe I'm drinkin' potions? That ain't never go well, last time I did that I grew hair places gobs shouldn't grow it. Y'know, like the inside'a my goddamn eyelids. But money's money an' I'm so broke it ain't no joke, ya gotta take the bad with the good an' the good is gettin' coin.
"So uh, what am I 'sposed to be doin' again?"
"It's quite simple actually, my good man. You see we at Simian Safety Designs a subsidiary of Toha Heavy Industries excel in the production and implementation in only the most protective of safety measures. Good fellow, you will aid us in this development today."
"I ain't mean to be a salty ol' prick but you ain't answer my fuggen question, asshole."
"My apologies fine sir, today you will be assisting us in the test trials of a new design of helmet. We will be checking for fit, comfort, and above all, protection! ...as measured in Dels of course, the standard unit of measurement for this type of trial."
"So lemme get this straight jagoff; I'm gonna put on one a yer damn helmets an' yer gonna hit me to see if it works?"
"NOOOO no no no no that would be barbaric! We're scientists, not animals chap! You are going to be hitting this wall over here once you exit trajectory from the oscillation device."
"Motherfucker that's a damn catapult an' you fuggen know it."
"Herrr hrr HRRRrrrm, oscillation device. Well, we're not getting any testing done this way! Please put this on and enter the oscillation device."
"Gonna fuggen oscillate my foot up yer ass is what I'm gonna do..."

Guy shoves the fuggen helmet in my hands an' I give'im the dirtiest look I can make an' I'm a dirty motherfucker, I can mean mug with the best of'em. Asshole just smiles at me an' nods his head. Fuggen poindexter prick. But the fuggam I gonna do? Suck dick on the street corner there? I gotta be honest it's more temptin' than losin' what teeth I got left over this fuggen bullshit. But I put the damn thing on an' buckle the straps. Shit's tighter'n a drow's asshole in an adventurer's hall I tell ya that.
"Yer fuggen helmet's too damn tight."
"Oh of course! It's meant to fit snugly for added support of the cranial cavity."
"Whatsa whosit's? Asshole this shit ain't snug it's pinchin' my damn scalp."
"Mmyes a quality discovery, onward to the practical application!"
"I'm gonna apply my fist to yer fuggen mouth if I break my damn skull from this..." He motions toward the fuggen catapult an' I hop in. Gotta wonder what went wrong in my life what led me to gettin' shot outta a fuggen catapult by poindexter over here. Maybe I shoulda gave more to the till. Maybe I shouldn'a turned to a life a crime. Maybe I still got time to-


I see it all unfoldin' like time slowed down there, saw my life flash 'fore my eyeballs. Huh. Didn't think I got a halflin' at that many brothels, gotta reevaluate what I done with my life. But that furry motherfucker screams out FOR SCIENCE! or some shit an' he pulls the lever. I sail in an arc as the lever arm pushes me forward... an' keeps goin'. Fuggen catapult breaks, slams me straight into the goddamn ground. I fuggen feel myself bounce five feet in the damn air 'fore hittin' my fuggen face on the dirt again. My nose is fuggen broke fer sure, saw a white light, feel goddamn dizzy, everythin' fuggen hurts. Feels like a goddamn troll sucker punched me through a glass winder. Don't know why I said glass winder, ain't no other kinda winders, maybe it's the fuggen concussion talkin'. I'm feelin' the blood pool under me from my damn broke nose as I slowly bring my achin' arms to my head. Fuggen helmet ain't there, shit split in half an' went flyin' every which way when I got thrown to the damn ground.
"SUCCESS! Thank you, oh thank you small green creature! This finding will certainly progress our studies and all of sentient kind ever forward!" My goddamn brain's leakin' outta my ears, my vision's blurry, but I turn my head to see that hair rat bastard beamin' at me.
"Da fuggare ya on aboud mudderfugga...?! Yer helmed's fuggen broger'n my dam nobe id...!" I spit out the blood from my fuggen split lip an' all the shit I'm swallowin'.
"Yes but now we know that! Knowing what doesn't work is just as crucial as knowing what is, my good man! Haaaahahaha!" Might be cuz I'm seein' red right now but I don't like that fuggen laugh, not a goddamn bit. I put my arms underneath me, feel the spikes a fuggen pain light me up as a get to a kneel.
"So. Are you ready for the next round of tests, good chap?" That fuggen does it. Gonna give this asshole a new neck piercin'. I slowly get to my feet, swayin' a bit. Feel a 'lil damn dizzy all of'a sudden...
"Muddafugga... *pthoo!* ...only ting I'm ready't'do righ now id 'kin ya an' make me a fugly ass coad."
"Such spirit! Well, we can certainly translate that into- oh my you're not joking." I lung fer the bastard but he's too damn quick an' I'm kinda bleedin' out my face here. Asshole runs off on his stubby ass legs shoutin' over his shoulder an' throwin' moolah at the dirt.
"ThankyouforparticipatinginthisSimianSafetyDesignsasubsidiaryofTohaHeavyIndustriestrialpleasetakeyourpaymentandhaveapleasantday...!"
I take a couple'a steps after'im but I get woozy an' fall on my side. I reach out my hand an' clutch the money he gimme. If I ever see that asshole again gonna chop off his face an' make the world's ugliest fuggen mask. But right now... uuurgh... think I'm gonna... fuggen... pass out fer a while...