The one decisive time [Sharaku]

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:45 am

Honestly, Sharaku wanted to just throw something at the younger right now. Not out of anger or anything, but he was starting to get slightly irritated. For the love of...When did he even say he meant that it was the other's fault alone? First of all, Shun was the one who chose to say nothing, play it off for a while, and then blow up as if the world ended. The teen could have just asked about the things that apparently bothered him. Or asked him to elaborate what he meant. But no, let's go and call the other person an insensitive hypocrite right off the bat. And then expect what? That he would say nothing at all? When someone is accusing you of not caring about anything while they are trying their best or so it seems, are you expected to sit there and nod your head? He had his feelings too, and it wasn't funny. Shun was the one to start this 'fight', but he wouldn't even follow through with it. Why do it then, when you just break the moment you get a response?

He would scoff at the teen. ''I never said it is only your fault? Besides, what the hell did you expect me to do? Nod my head like it's completely fine? If something bothered you, you could have just asked about it or something first. But no, you had to blow up as if I was the biggest jerk in the world, and tell me how I'm not even trying. You go and pretty much openly insult me out of the blue. What do you want me to do? You started this one. I never meant to get into an argument like this, but I'm not going to sit there and let you accuse me of things based on what you seem to think is true without saying anything. You could have at least kept it moderate. But calling me cruel and all that is a bit uncalled for. Have you ever really met someone who is a real jerk? Because it seems to me like you haven't, if you think I'm so bad with what I do.'' So much for all that. Can't keep a civilized conversation after all that time. The best way is to keep everything in, and then let it boil out, obviously. ''One thing, I still stand by, however. You take everything way worse than it is meant to be. Which practically means that I can't really say anything even a little bit negative, or you already feel bad. It almost feels like I'm playing some game where I have to pick the right words to use to even proceed. And get nowhere anyway. You have a problem, but don't even see it through. If you're just going to run away from a talk after starting it...then what was the whole point of you speaking up in the first place? You can hardly expect that thowing accusations at me is going to make me suddenly act nicer to you. You said you were different...and I see that it worked with your parents, but aside from that, I don't see anything else yet.'' What exactly? This time, he didn't even have to start a real argument himself. And it was obvious the teen still got upset as easy as ever. So what changed? The only thing Shun really spoke about was his family, but that didn't really mean much to him in terms of how the younger was different. It didn't affect him at all. It's not like what one does with family, friends or a date is the same thing. Compared to how Shun spoke of confronting his family, he was still extremely skittish when it came to him. And if it was meant to be about the two of them, then it should be that. Family was a different matter.

Frankly, if Shun was always going to approach things in the manner of getting upset and offended by every sentence that could have a negative meaning...it would never work between them. Not attempting to properly talk it over without accusations helped none enither. He had decided he wouldn't go that route anymore...at the very least, he wouldn't literally start something big. And he didn't? He was honestly just confused about what was Shun trying to get at with the whole family matter, and then getting upset as usual. He already said several times in the past that he wasn't the type to cheer people on just like that or such. Shun should have known by now, or at least been aware to some extent. Yet he just opted to get upset, because he didn't get what he aimed for once again. Was that new? Not really.

He would sigh. ''It's not even really about what you do. It's about the way you act in general. I'm not finding it particularly enjoyabe when someone keeps getting upset, depressed and always feels bad the moment I say something that could possibly have a negative implication. And while I am not looking for an optimist at the level of Hyde, this on the other hand, is an extreme level of pessimism. It's like you don't have enough self-confidence. Something sounds a bit negative, and you already take it as a fact, even when I don't actually mean it that way. And you never really say what bothers you right away. You play it off, and then blow up eventually, which only makes it worse, as that is the perfect recipe for disaster. Am I supposed to enjoy myself?'', he would shake his head. ''You see, I used to be somewhat depressed myself before. And it took me long enough to stop doing that. I don't really feel comfortable when I see you being a mopey dog instead. It doesn't even bring good memories.'' As sad as it was, he meant that one. He couldn't really be with someone like that for too long. It wore him down. ''I'm not saying you are the one to blame for this, because I know it's not exactly easy...but ultimately, it means we can't be a good match in a position like this. You say you are different now, but this hadn't changed at all. You tend to evaluate things in the most negative way there is. And while I may sound harsh..I won't deny that..I am not looking to hurt you by it. At this point, it's just a neverending loop.'', he would look at the younger with a wry smile. ''And...I think that the fact that you chased after me for a relationship of a romantic kind almost from the moment we met...doesn't help. We aren't even really proper friends, since you aimed for more almost right away, skipping that, pretty much. And maybe that's why. I don't think I can really feel more for someone who I'm not even really a good friend with first, even if I ignored the fact that we do not fit together due to personality.'', he would pinch the bridge of his nose slightly. ''As for what I want? I'm not sure, but I think I'd rather someone I can..do things with? I'm not interested in some high quality job, or hanging out at fancy restaurants. It's not a bad thing, no...but I'm kind of bored without some action of any kind in general. I'm guessing you aren't the type to do any physical activites, are you? Or at least, you struck me that way. Other than that...I just don't want a person that I'm going to endlessly argue with over every word that was said, because it somehow hurts someone's feelings...often without even me knowing it did. At least..if it has to be, then I'd prefer to discuss in a more cilvilized manner, not resorting to hissy fits as if they solved anything...'' Was that enough of an answer? He was being honest, if nothing else, and Shun asked. So he got his response. If he gets in a bad mood over that...well, it is what it is?

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

Shunnosuke listened and listened...and listened. Once Sharaku was done, he took one, two, many deep breaths, he leaned his elbows on the table and held his own head down, thinking. Alright, hissy fits won't solve anything. It was his fault he sort of exploded previously, a table slam is far from being considered civil, and he was ready to take responsibility for it.

— ...Alright. I'll try to be "civil". — He rubbed his temples, gathering inner calm to do forth. He has been trying to act civil all of this time, and the results were far from the expected. Well, he's already here, so let's try one more time. — Have you noticed that many things you say to me apply to yourself? I can't "base your level of caring", isn't that how you put it, on the way you speak, because you're not the talkative type, alright, I get that and I'm honestly fine with it. I can't base it on the way you act either because apparently I take it the worst way possible. Okay then, so how am I supposed to know, when everything is a no-go? Unless I'm not supposed to, at all. And from the looks of it, I'm one of the people that "only see what they want". Meanwhile, you're interpreting my actions the way it suits you and making your own exaggerated conclusions over my emotional state, just like you very much criticized me for, without even taking in account other things I tried to show. I'm not all that torn as you make it looks like, you assumed you know how I feel on your own. Ah, you also never expressed verbally it's "only" my fault, but the moment I point out the things you do that don't sit well with me, you instantly get defensive saying "that's just how I am", excusing your own actions and silencing my complaints. Maybe you don't realize you're doing it, but that's how it comes across, and if I dare to tell you how I feel, you just go and say I'm basically overreacting and sticking to the worst possibility. So, what did I decide to do? Shut up and try to ignore it as if nothing's a big deal, because talking won't work the way it should. Still, refraining won't give me the best results either, because you complain that I keep things for myself instead of facing it and solving it. It's an endless cycle with zero options on my side. Just a brief and fresh example, yes, it bothers me when I go out of my usual self to tell you all of this extensive, melodramatic, soap opera script and you reply with a "you should have gone to Hyde", "why are you telling me this if I have nothing to do with your family?". How am I supposed to take it, then? Tell me! I also had nothing to do with what those creepy scientists or whatever have done to you, but when you told me about it, I did try to be empathetic. I assume you don't go around telling anyone "hey, I'm the result of an experiment who has a supernatural parasite attached to my body" the same way I don't blurt out my personal issues out there for the world to hear, you even said before people back off when you do so! But, guess what, I didn't, because it seemed important to you and I didn't consider it an issue. How would you feel if I had told you back then that I have nothing to do with your past? And for your information, yes, I know I could have talked about it to Hyde, and even to Naomi and Sentinel; the reason why I haven't already is because they either aren't as close or don't know it to the fullest. On the other hand, you were the first one I confided it all. While I didn't listen to it back then, I acknowledge that you tried to help on your own way.. and I appreciate it. I've followed what you said, and I've apologized when you felt like I was depositing too much information on your back. But you never apologize for anything... yet, I'm the one who, regardless of all these struggles I'm trying to overcome, is "pessimistic", the one who "has a problem". You say I'm insulting you and throwing accusations but you're always doing the same with some explanation added, that's unfair to me, alright. — He could even say that if Sharaku wanted someone who doesn't react emotionally, then he better off search for a robot, but even robots nowadays have feelings... And that remark wouldn't do well to the current heavy atmosphere.

— ...I don't quite grasp what you mean by "do things with" or "physical activities", but I truly didn't ask you to come for romantic reasons. It's been a while since the last time I acted clingy and said something in that respect, I already know you don't like it. I really only wanted to talk and explain what has happened lately, I thought you would at least feel proud that I decided to go back and pay attention to what others tell me, that's all. But maybe that's not too much of a change in your book and you're perfectly entitled to your own opinions... — Private expectations aside, Shunnosuke was merely trying to handle a personal conversation as a regular acquaintance at best, nothing further. He knows better than to keep chasing over someone that recently did nothing but to shun him away whenever approached. True, he could have sent a message telling him about everything, that would save time for both, but certain things are better told face to face, or so the teenager assumed. — You're right in one thing, we're not good friends. By the way things stand, we are not even friends... — And that marked the end on the teenager's behalf so far. He probably wouldn't insist anymore. Props to him to have come this far without bursting into tears, that's definitely an improvement to be proud of. His hand went back to the spoon he longingly neglected and he took a bite on the cake, chewing on it slowly, for mere obligation of someone who wouldn't want his money go to waste. He wasn't even feeling eager for a dessert anymore... Sigh.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:06 pm

Alright fine then. Technically, he didn't have anything better to do than listen more anyway. That itself was one of the problems. Did Shun think such a transition would go smoothly? The way the teen just ran off on him last time, pretending to have sudden interest in his grandpa, obviously just to get away. Now he calls him over after all the time that passed...and tells him a life story? There was kind of no continuity, which is why he was rather confused. They didn't even settle anything from before yet, and he was just casually supposed to be proud of the teen now. In regards to all that...no, he couldn't particularly bring himself to care about a story that was mostly Shun's own business. He knew that it would be a nice thing to do, but really? With how they split off before, throwing 'soap operas' into the mix right now was...quite a strange way to proceed with things. It's not exactly easy to turn into caring mode about something like that for no reason. Frankly? Had it been a different situation it terms of time, or someone else, perhaps he would have acted differently, but this was just...ugh. He didn't know what exactly was a go with the teen either. Let's just forget we are not on the best terms and be happy about your accomplishments, okay? Well, not really how it worked. Or at least, he couldn't do it.

He would lean his chin on one hand. ''Maybe? But I have the same problem with you. I never know what is the right thing to do or say so you don't feel bad. I never did. If you want to put it that way, all both of us do is complain anyway. I push back when you say what is wrong..Yes? But, what can I do when I don't agree with most that you say, along with the fact that you go calling me things? You don't like when I say things about you. Nor do I like it when you do the same. And partially, you're the one that makes yourself look that way. You look down at least once almost every time we meet, and most of the time you choose to play it off, so I don't have much to go on when it comes to figuring out what exactly is going on. As for the matter of telling past matters? Well, technically, I have told several people by now. And I don't know what would I have said if you had told me it had nothing to do with you. But, it's not like it's not true in a way, so I couldn't really get mad at you for that. At the very least, I wouldn't do so now.'', he would sigh a little. Where was this talk even heading..?

''As for me asking you that, and mentioning Hyde? Well, the problem is this. I was confused as to why would you do that. Right, I accept the fact that you acknowledge that you were putting your things on me, but still...? The last time we met, you literally left me there standing like an idiot, going as far as using your grandpa for a way out without explaining anything to me properly. You know how that feels? And then, the first time I hear from you after that...you call me over to talk about your accomplishments with your family, and expect me to be proud as if we were suddenly on such good terms that I would have no problems cheering for you. I did at least congratulate you, since I know it must have been a big thing for you, even though saying that alone had no effect, I guess. And whether it's wrong of me or not, I simply can't feel anything. We didn't even really settle anything in regards to us properly yet, and you casually tell me 'soap operas' about you and your family, as you called it. Not exactly what I expected to be hearing when I came here. Which is why I was confused, and wanted to know why were you actually telling me this all of a sudden. However, I wasn't planning for you to blow up over it. Perhaps to an extent, I really don't care right now, because I can't bring myself to. Maybe it's just the bad time for something like this. Or maybe it's too late after all that has happened between us. I don't know for sure. I'm sorry, but I can't...'' He didn't know whose fault it was by now. And nor did it even matter that much anymore, did it? But he didn't want to keep being stuck in constant complaints back and forth, topped off by some blow ups anymore. That much he knew.

''Frankly, I don't really know what we are anymore...'', he'd leave it at that for now. He could say that it wasn't really true that he was against romantic gestures. It was about how they were done. Shun had a habit of pushing for them when he didn't feel like it, or rushing them a lot before. Maybe if it had gone slower. Or if he had actually come to have those kinds of feelings for the other. Alas, that obviously wasn't happening, not even now, or so it seemed.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

...And this is what Shunnosuke was talking about. Amidst one bite and another, he sighed deeply, in a obviously very tired fashion. Clearly this would get nowhere, because both parties wouldn't come to an agreement that both are to blame. It seemed to him that everything was solely the teenager's fault while Sharaku had the right to come up with an explanation or an excuse that exempts him from the consequences of his behavior while enhancing Shun's part on the disagreement. So be it. Ignoring the problem won't solve it, blowing up won't solve it, trying to apologize and make the other see things through his lenses won't solve it either... What else was he to do?

— Nevermind the fact that you called me only to help with whatever friend you had, not because you wanted to see me after your near death experience while I was looking forward to it. Nevermind that everytime I tried to get close to you, you acted harsh and indifferent. All that matters is just my unforgivable bad deed of leaving you to stand there "like an idiot", because everything that happened before I reached that point, where I prefered my grandfather's company over yours, has some excuse behind. It's fine, I understand your points, but I prefer to not listen anything else and just agree on disagreeing, if that's alright with you. — In regards to "the clash of opinions" that, in his mind, weren't really opinions, Shunnosuke chose to call it a day. Enough already; Sharaku already said he didn't care with all letters. "I really don't care right now". "I simply can't feel anything". It was the man's choice. The teen felt quite naive to think that it could indeed work out for the best, and utterly diminished. Now he could say he's completely broken inside. But he wouldn't do other than conceal his state and avoid acting his true self; express his feelings by now was apparently a severe mistake that hardly would head anywhere. Should he cry right there, Sharaku most likely would keep composed or blame him. Or both.

— I know. "We" are done. In any event, thanks for your time, it was...enlightening. Now if you don't mind me asking, do you have something else to say or can I already leave the table? — His tone was mildly...normal. Just the regular Shunnosuke speaking, with general politeness. There were still some pieces of cake left to eat, but he wasn't in the mood. Should he force himself to finish it, he'd only throw everything up somewhere down the road. After picking his wallet and placing the necessary money count to pay for the dessert under the plate, he lifted his hand and made a gesture to call over the closest waiter in the area.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:06 pm

Tsk. Right, and as if Shun wasn't overexaggerating himself. When did that incident become all that matters? Apparently when Shun decided it was. The main reason he mentioned that was due to a different reason. Shun wanted to know why he inquired those things about why was he being told this..that's why he said that, and the fact that the reason why he was asking was because he didn't know what to think after how they parted last time. But that of course flew over the teen's head quite easily. Now it was the only big bad thing. Sure, let's go with that, because that was totally the point he meant by it. Despite how the younger said he was definitely not looking at the worst things in everything a moment ago. This was definitely not doing exactly that. But fine, whatever. He could let that be. Because if he brought it up again, Shun would be sad that he wasn't getting a win this time either. Though, that didn't mean he couldn't mention it in some way. At this point, it obviously didn't matter, because Shun was seeing an excuse in pretty much everything he was saying.

He would just roll his eyes a bit. ''Your call. Nevermind everything if that is how you want it. Though, for one. I had no way of knowing you were looking towards a meeting so much. Two, you seemed quite interested in helping the guy regardless, so I saw no reason to think anything of it for real, nor be overly cuddly since I had no real interest in fashion the way you were doing it either. And frankly, I have no idea where you got the fact that said incident is all that matters. And I probably shouldn't care anyway, since if you're just going to call everything I do an excuse, then we might as well be done with this, as it is going to go nowhere. Because all you did was choose to listen to one part and make a huge halo over it. I was simply trying to explain why I was not sure why you were telling me these things, and why I asked to begin with. But if you want to make all my words into that being me blaming you to all hell and nothing else then go ahead. Be my guest, cause I suppose me saying more will just have to do with excuses, and not letting you express your opinion again as you put it. So I digress then. Think what you want or make your own excuses if you want to. But I'll say this. If I don't understand you, then you don't understand me either. I think we can agree on that, if nothing else.'' It was useless to keep talking anyway. It wouldn't work. Even if it was his fault for some of the things, the point of talking about it is moot when Shun is just going to spit it back to his face as well. In that manner, they were no different then. Besides, not completely everything he said was aimed to be a bad thing either. If he wasn't listening to the good things, so wasn't Shun.

He would snort when the teen asked whether he had more to say. ''You just said you aren't going to listen to what I'm saying, did you not? So why should I even say anything? And if you are really bent on the fact that I'm just blaming you for things, then there is no point in me saying anything, I assume. This isn't even a conversation anymore. It's only a 'Let's pick at everything and only make it worse.' So maybe it's better for it to be done, no?'', he would shrug a bit. He had nothing to really say. Not unless he just wanted to risk saying something bad again, so this was probably for the better then.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

The moment the waiter arrived, Shunnosuke had already lowered his arm, much to keep listening to what Sharaku said. The animosity in the table was noticeable, and the waiter very much decided to stay quiet, for it was none of his concern, retrieving the plate of unfinished cake and the money, far more than he expected. Rich people give gorgeous tips when they’re annoyed enough to not care to count, huh? In a way, it’s beneficial for him. In another...he just glanced back and forth to the face of both lads, waiting for an opportunity to ask for permission to leave the table. Hard, because they wouldn’t stop throwing verbal clashes at each other. Better to just silently leave, with a disconcerted frown upon his face. They wouldn’t notice anyway, would they? At least Shunnosuke didn’t.

— ”Diamonds cut diamonds”. — Once Sharaku was done, the teenager merely spurted out this one sentence. It said volumes about themselves without being verbally obvious. — It’s not much what you say, it’s more how you say it. I’m not asking for you to sugarcoat everything to avoid hurting me, I’m grown up enough to be able to take criticism. I won’t say it’s easy to accept my flaws if you point them out to me, but I am willing, that’s why I’m here, that's why I questioned you what you want and if you think otherwise, you’re wrong, alright. All I was asking for was to you not be rude. Even if you don’t want to see me the same way, or even see me again, you don’t have to be that blunt. You can say that’s just how you are, leaving me no option but to either love it or leave it, but...you aren’t. I know you can be caring and gentle. I’ve seen this side of yours before just like you’ve seen sides of mine no one else has... And this...this is hard for me, it took me some time to even send the message to you. And I... — “I want you to accept my apologies”. “I want you to give me a chance”. “I want you to try to like me back, ask me to stay”. He could complete the sentence in myriad of ways that would end up being the same, but...he only bit his lip, staring at his own hands placed upon his lap. His wet hands... Unbeknownst to him, he was crying already, tear drops falling over his fingers. When you try to suppress your feelings for long, they overflow when you least expect it. Gladly the lowered gaze would make his bangs cover his eyes enough for Sharaku to not notice. Knowing him, he would guess already, but still. The teenager quickly used his sleeve to clean both hands as well as his eyes. — ...well, nevermind. So...that’s a “no”? — The teenager didn’t immediately stand up, but at least he raised his head and faced the older dauntlessly. The kind of strength you pull out of nowhere. Sharaku gave quite an extensive response that didn’t clarify what Shunnosuke exactly wanted to know. Whatever comes next might be decisive for the teenager. He was ready to stand up and leave the table at any moment, albeit not what he truly wanted. While there’s life, there’s hope, and hope springs eternal.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Thu Aug 06, 2015 7:22 pm

Sharaku just blinked. Diamonds? That was kind of random and out of context. Nor was he sure he was getting it completely, but he could probably pass over that one for now. Asking would probably make him seem dumb at the moment anyway. He would frown a little as he listened to the following part, tapping his fingers against the table in thought. Well no, it's not like he enjoyed being outwardly rude..but this had been literally heading that way.

''Well, yes, I can't deny that. It is mostly about how it's done. I wasn't...really trying to be rude at the beginning. But, I didn't know what to think. You see, I am aware that you did care back then when I told you about my past, and I appreciate it, yes. But truth is, back then, we were still on fairly good terms. I don't have anything against you attempting to change things, but...I find it rather confusing to come here to listen to your accomplishments about your family, when we were on rocky terms already. It's no offense to you, but I don't know how to feel. And to be honest...at first, you said this wasn't going to be anything to argue about, and then you exploded on me rather quickly before I kind of understood what was even going on. Maybe that is my fault, but I can't just sit and take it when I get jumped at all of a sudden in such a fashion.'', he would look ahead absentmindedly for a moment. ''It's not that I don't want to see you again, or anything, but what happened is making me wonder. I know you are trying to make a change...but if you can get upset to the point of exploding so easily still...It seems like you are still bitter about things to an extent, no? I'm not sure what all you expected of this meeting...but it was obvious it wouldn't sail along perfectly with how things were going with us up until this point. And if both of us, or at least one is still so easily to provoke, I just think that starting this with a long emotional story is not the best appoach. A lot can go wrong when you pull such a big one when things are rocky to begin with. That's how I see it, at least.'', he would smile thinly. ''I don't hate you, nor do I want you to just leave. But things as big as this are not going to be easy to fix at any rate. And..if anything, I do think that we should just stay at trying to be friends. It's better that way, if we are just going to claw at each other so much the moment things get a bit out of hand. I think we would both do better to look for someone that will fit us better than this. It's hard, yes, but probably the best option. I don't even like to be rude for real, but things happen sometimes. Neither of us is perfect afterall.'' That was something he'd stand by. If they could manage to be good friends at some point, it would be good enough. More wasn't going to work without them paying for it too much.

He would sigh a little. ''It's..not really a no. The decision is up to you in the end. I can go both ways. But you did say you chose to not listen to the rest of what I said back then, so I assumed you didn't really want to talk more for real. That's all there is to it.'' He wouldn't leave if this could be worth a solution, but neither was he interested in a talk that lead nowhere. Therefore, he would leave it up to Shun whether he would let it proceed anywhere. ''Though, I do have a question if you don't mind. Why? If what you were saying is true, you do not like a lot of things about me. Considering you had to be aware how you felt about me in regards to such, why did you choose to do this? You can't really hide that it's hurting you, but you did this anyway, despite the fact that you must have known it did not have to end good. If we really dislike certain things about each other, that is not going to fully change no matter what. I don't mean any offense by it...but did you actually think this would be quite easy? Because with how quickly you blew up, it appears that you expected something completely else out of this.'' This time, he was honestly just curious about the teen's line of thought on this. Hopefully, he wouldn't get pushed at for this one. He just wanted to know, that was all.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

— You’re wrong in that one... — He snickered a bit, for the first time since he sat at that table. “You don’t like a lot of things about me”. If he didn’t, he definitely wouldn’t go out of his way to just be there, wouldn’t it? That seemed like a very, very naive and silly question to Shunnosuke, in all honesty. As for the following question, if he ever thought about that being easy...? Well, yes. Maybe it was naive of him, maybe he shouldn’t have put his hopes up to an unattainable level, but he at least had to make attempts. — Perhaps. I told you once, “I’m not a stop along the way, I’m a destination”. The other you told me that, no matter how much we argued, he’s willing to do his part and stand by me. So...I decided to cling onto that. I decided to believe that even if he wasn’t you, it was something that you’d say as well. And if you’d really say so...then it meant that I could try again, this time the right way. It worked with my family, that is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so maybe it could work with you as well, but smoother. Back then, I went for you for vanity reasons, yes. I wanted you to be mine because you could give me something I don’t have elsewhere. Now...it’s different, I don’t see things that way anymore. — He smiled softly at the answer, somewhat relieved that Sharaku’s tone had mellowed out quite a bit and he could speak frankly about the deepest issues in his heart.

— I contradicted myself and I’m sorry about that...I really am, and I hope you can forgive me and forget that... — His glance shifted to a random point. Obviously he was feeling ashamed of his previous behavior and a direct visual contact wouldn’t really do him any favors. Not with a visibily shaken expression on his face. He stayed silent for longer than he should before breaking the quietness again. — To me it seemed like you were looking down on how I feel and how I was making effort to put myself in your shoes, so I snapped. If you weren’t really disregarding everything I told you, then....it’s my fault, okay, I get it. A sign of the old me who’s still not used to be confronted arose. Well, not so old, I still have my flaws, I know I was probably acting spoiled and demanding in the long run without noticing. But...I don’t want this to be an unforgivable trait of mine. We never spent too much time together save for a few sporadic moments. It has always been a big thing for me, even if...not for you... When I said I liked you right from the start, I was as honest as now... — He lifted his gaze back to Sharaku, coyly, and quickly averted it again, his face earning on its own a subtle-but-not-so-much reddening tone to it. The word “friends” rang in his mind for a while. He couldn’t say he wasn’t disappointed, but it was a start. It had to be. Less hurtful than everything that has been going on that table for the past...who knows how many minutes of discussion? Whatever might happen next, he didn’t know. The teen had something to say in that respect, but there was another thing he had to know first: — I know what you dislike, but... I don’t know if there’s something about me you at least find enjoyable. You never said so, hummm...is there? As in, anything you’d like in someone that would lead you to like them further, something that’s worth a...second chance? — “Please, say yes”, “please, say yes”, he thought to himself, heartbeats racing, a glance full of expectations aimed at the older, double checking not everything was lost for him.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:06 pm

Sharaku would tilt his head. ''I am? Then were you lying just a while ago?'', he'd ask in a somewhat curious tone. If it was wrong, then why did Shun complain so much hm? Or was it just the heat of an outburst then? Well, he wouldn't write that off at this point. Ah well. ''Well, that is true, I suppose. I don't make a habit of completely abandoning people even when I am having problems with them. Can't argue with that one. Just because I disagree with someone, doesn't make them my enemy, or anything of the kind. It would take much more than that.'' In that manner, what his copy said was not wrong. He didn't literally write off people just because he was on bad terms with them.

He would close his eyes briefly. ''It's fine. Let's just not argue endlessly.'' Forgetting wasn't really possible. And he didn't really want to think about it all more right now anyway. It was just draining, in all honesty. ''And I tried listening, yes. It just didn't work out. Everyone has flaws, so I can't hold you up on that.'', he would go quiet for a bit. ''Maybe that's why in a way. I always knew you took it as a big thing, regardless of what were your main reasons at any point, but I never really felt that way myself. If I went into it too much, I'd just be lying...and if I outright told you to stop, you would get sad. So I couldn't choose which way to go. I didn't want you to literally think I dislike you...but I don't feel that way towards you either.'', he would shake his head sadly.

He honestly didn't give his hopes for that. It's been so long, and it just felt like being stuck by now. Even if Shun did change...he didn't think he could turn around as it was. He simply didn't really see the teen that way, despite trying to give it a chance. And he wouldn't push something when it wasn't really meant to be. That was no win. Both of them were still fairly young. Was it worth it to keep dancing in a loop right now, with no definite end in sight? As he said, he was willing to aim for good friends, but it was unlikely it would actually go farther. He knew himself well enough to come to that conclusion. Perhaps they could coexist, but to the extent of being an actual couple...it just didn't feel right to him.

He would give a short hum. Well, he could still answer that. ''If I had to pick anything, I suppose I would like your determination. But a trait here and there isn't exactly what makes the goal, I think. I know you have high hopes still...but it's been so long, and I don't see you that way. For now, I still believe friends is the go to. Maybe after some break, we can see what goes, if neither of us finds someone we would like to be with more meanwhile. But right now, I'm sorry, but no. If nothing else, it just feels too awkward to keep aiming for that.'', he would state in a calm tone. He did not want to upset the younger, but that was how he felt. It was better to be honest about it now. Getting into more looping wouldn't do them any good.

He would smile thinly. ''Though...didn't you say you were planning to move away with your father? If that happens, we most likely won't see each other anymore, no matter how our relations will be at the time.'' That was a question to consider too, in a way.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

The one decisive time [Sharaku] - Page 2 0IQgHN8

”Friends”. Shunnosuke went silent. Deadly silent.
Finally he has heard a definite answer. A “no”, the feared answer. For a moment, it felt like a punch on his guts, the kind of violent assault that leaves you static with no reason and no way to breathe. How long he stayed there, motionlessly looking at Sharaku, he didn’t know. For sure, it was enough time for his eyes to lose that weird, dreamy gleam they had prior to the answer he was not anticipating. The gleam that was so unlikely of him at all.

— ...Yes, I did say that, but... — He gritted his teeth, downcast eyes turning into an opaque shade of their hazel colour, his voice getting gradually lower as if he had no will to speak anymore. Suddenly everything seemed meaningless and he wasn’t even speaking properly. — I was hoping I would have a reason to stay... — Of everything, Sharaku liked his determination, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t understand why, no matter how hard he tried. Sure, mistakes here and there, an explosive reaction out of the stress of an emotional moment, and everything seemed heavier on his back. Like something he’d never be able to fully get rid of, a sin to atone for the whole eternity. How would he deal with that?

— It might be better this way. My father has always been the outcast in our family because he’s not japanese and other reasons you already know. I think Grandfather wanted my mother to marry a native man from Japan rather than a white man who threw a bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We talked a bit. He has been feeling underappreciated and diminished by my grandparents and mother all this time, as if he was paying for a past mistake which cost is his happiness. I never knew my father felt like that until I went forth and asked him how he’s holding up. Once I found out, I thought that perhaps going with him is the right decision. Not that I dislike them, but I’ve wanted to study abroad anyways, and even if me and him don’t have the best father/son relationship as of now...I can start over, at least with him... — Shunnosuke smiled very thinly, almost as if it was an obligation. In a way, he was happy that he could make amends with the people he held closer to him. Just the current moment prevented him from feeling proud of this accomplishment. In a way, he understood Mr. Leighton way better now he went through the same feeling of not being able to overcome past mistakes, but to pay for them forever.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:56 am

As much as he didn't want to see this, it was the only sound way to go. It wouldn't do them any good to keep at this. In the end, neither of them would be happy, so why? Besides, despite all he said, Shun was still clinging onto him. It was so obvious that even after he had said he would rather friends before..until he literally said no, the teen would still try to aim for more. If he really couldn't let up, then it would just stay tense anyway. He didn't like feeling suffocated, and knowing the other would always rather want more than friendship was just that. Yes, he understood that it was hard for the teen...but it wasn't completely a free ride for him either. How do you feel when you know you don't like someone that way, but they keep trying for it all the time, and it's so obvious that you can't even ignore it..? It just starts becoming uncomfortable and awkward. On top of that, Shun was way too focused on him. He hoped he would have a reason to stay. So, he was the only reason the teen considered? Nothing else? If anything, the younger was friends with Hyde, from what he knew. That mattered none? It was just a bit too much for the younger to be so hung up on him. It was only his first time for this...it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out, no? And as Shun said before...they haven't even spent that much time together yet. They still didn't really know each other enough for an actually commited relationship, doubly so when problems got so big easily. But Shun still blindly believed it would somehow work out like a fairytale just because he wanted it to be. But it takes two to even start to dance. It wasn't fair if he didn't feel anything of the kind. With that, he wouldn't even be able to give the teen what he wanted either. So it just meant staying stuck, because one side couldn't let go? He wouldn't bite that hook.

He would lean against the table with a sigh. ''It doesn't have anything to do with you leaving, really. It's simply not going to work like this. I think it wouldn't have even if we haven't been arguing for so long. You're...still holding onto me too much. Even now, it's obvious that you would rather more than friends anyway. But I don't feel that way, so what is it like for me? And seeing as I don't, it would bring the same problem as always. I'm not going to be cuddly with you for no reason. Therefore, neither of us would be happy in this. Besides...the way you talk. Am I the only reason for you to consider staying? Makes it sound rather extreme. I like determination, but overdoing it is not an answer either. A relationship doesn't have to work out simply because it's really what one side wants.'', he would shake his head. ''I don't particularly enjoy seeing you like this, but it would most likely only end up worse if we kept at it. They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, no? There is no reason to hold onto your first date without even considering a different option. Maybe you could come to like someone else after a while, and be happier. You're still young, so you have the time. I understand that it may be hard for you, but this is probably best for us regardless. At least we both learned something about how it goes, if nothing else, so it wasn't completely a moot try. There is always a good side to what seems bad, yes?'' Honestly, he wasn't good at trying to lift the mood, probably. Because as harsh as it may sound to the teen now, it had to be done to prevent more problems in the future. Perhaps, after he took the time to get rid of his extreme attachment, he would find this silly. They weren't a good match, and there were so many choices everywhere. It was all about taking the moment to look around, no?

''Hmm. Well, that is something you'll have to decide on, indeed. But if you feel like it's a good opportunity, then I don't see why not. Going away can be a good experience, and if it helps you get along with your father, then it's a plus. If you think that aside from what you wanted with me..nothing else really holds you here, then maybe it is an easy choice.'' It was the younger's personal decision in the end. Whatever felt right for him. Even though he would have thought that there were some people Shun cared about besides holding onto this relationship. Unless, he just put it that way out of feeling hurt, instead of actual reality. But sometimes it was hard to tell.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

— Yes... Nothing really holds me here. — He repeated in a low tone, more to himself than to Sharaku, still avoiding looking at him. He wasn’t expecting to be lectured about the whole situation again, but well, it did come. And of course it was obvious the teenager still nourished feelings for him. What was he expecting, that those long-raised feelings would simply vanish at the blink of an eye the moment he heard a future for them wasn’t possible? It’s not how this works. It didn’t mean, of course, that Shunnosuke wouldn’t get over it with time, just…not today. Not right now. A rejection still hurts a lot, mainly one you would give everything to not receive. He was still fairly inexperienced when it comes to these subjects, never truly having the opportunity to develop a relationship of that level to someone else. Sharaku was the first, therefore it made sense for him to pursue it, even if he did so in wrong manners he didn’t realize. It’s not about being extreme, it’s just a part of him that’s equal to every other teenager who found his first love, and he couldn’t and shouldn’t be blamed for this. Perhaps Sharaku was right when he thought he was blindly aiming for a fruitless endeavor. Shunnosuke did notice Sharaku wouldn’t get cuddly with him. He saw the signs, the lack of interest in his birthday, the lack of interest in spending time with him, but…somehow, he was oblivious to them. Rationally it didn’t make sense, but Shunnosuke, regardless of his intelligence and perception, was always emotionally-driven. Perhaps too much.

— You don’t have to worry, I’ll be fine. I won’t hold onto you anymore, if that bothers you. — He shook his head, adjusted part of his hair behind the ear. Easier said than done, no? It still felt like Sharaku wasn’t willing to forgive his past deeds, like everything that Shunnosuke could have possibly done wrong was beyond comprehension and forgiveness. Sure, he used to be quite bitchy, but that wasn’t everything about his personality. Somehow, it seemed like the bad traits were terrible enough to foreshadow the good things about the teenager’s character, and to Shunnosuke that was downright unfair. Someone told him once, “show people your worst: if they walk away, their loss; if they stay, your win”. Yet, he didn’t feel like it was a loss for Sharaku at all and he decided to not explore on that, it would only cause more drama and heaven knows how hard Shunnosuke was trying to not shatter in front of him again. — Phew…this is getting awkward enough, and I guess we’re done now. So…you’re free to go if you want to. As for me, I will stay here for a while, weather is quite nice today to spend my hours at home. — His smile was quite silly, half-hearted grin of someone who was trying to at least pose as if he was facing it with maturity.

Subject: Re: The one decisive time [Sharaku] Fri Aug 07, 2015 11:10 am

''Strange. I would think there was at least someone else you cared about enough to consider them a possible reason to stay.'' Though, he would only say that as a matter-of-fact statement. Shun didn't have to react or anything. It wasn't phrased as a direct question. Despite the fact that he was curious. Did the teen just sit at home alone or something? And he knew that Hyde would probably be sad if Shun left just like that. At least. He really didn't know how other people felt about the teen for real. Still, it was a little sad at least. And a bit cold to say that you don't have any reason to stay besides that one which didn't work out for you. It was like nothing else even mattered to the younger. And while he could understand liking someone very much, there was a line where it almost started to seem like an obsession. Or at least, Shun's behavior made it appear that way. You can love someone, but..it isn't fair to pin them down because of it, when they don't feel the same way either. He didn't blame Shun for feeling down over this, no, but it seemed just...like too much. If this was how it always went, then it was honestly quite painful to even try a relationship? Because dealing with this was not funny for either side, apparently. When you truly like someone...you should have their interests in mind too, not just yours, at least to an extent. And while he had not expected the younger to literally stop right away...Shun didn't have to pretty much keep throwing it into his face either. He said he thought going for friends is a better idea..and what he gets is almost puppy eyes asking for a second chance. Not even very subtly. Or maybe it was just him. But he would most likely let someone go if they wished so, despite having feelings for them. Would it hurt? Probably yes. But he didn't have the right to butt in their life that way if it was really how they felt.

He would shake his head sadly. ''It mostly bothers me in the sense...that if you don't try to stop, you never will. And I think that would not be a good thing. Not for me, nor for you. I have no problem with having you around, and while I can understand you can't just throw your feelings away..I don't really want to have them obviously in my face a lot either. That's all.'' Though, if Shun was really taking it so hard, perhaps it would actually be better for them to not stay around each other at all for some period of time. However, in these times, such couldn't be guaranteed. Unless Shun decided to completely disregard everything, and not try to help the problems anymore. But that was something the other had to choose himself.

He would eventually stand up, looking at the other with a solemn look. ''I can guess you would rather that I go anyway, so there's little reason for me to stay despite that.'' This wasn't going to get any better at this rate, so might as well. ''Maybe we'll meet again later. Unless you're planning to move away soon. If so, then I guess I should say goodbye in advance, in case.'' What did he know? As Shun said, there was apparently nothing at all to keep him here. So he could just go now if he so chose. With that, he would walk off, unless he was stopped, but he kind of doubted that, since Shun would probably be glad to be alone.

~Exit, I guess~

Posts : 6498 Join date : 2013-07-06 Age : 30

Sharaku and Shunnosuke's relationship appears to be stuck in a rut...

» The Moon's Shine ~ Until next time [Sharaku's Epilogue]
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» The First and Last Time [Naomi/Sentinel/Sharaku]