ゆれる [Mariko/Shouhei]

Shouhei’s eyes snapped open to the sound of his alarm.  He found himself on the couch of his dorm… was everything that happened the night before a dream, a product of his wishes and imagination?  Before he knew it he found the answer to his question, as a sleeping Mariko laid atop a pile of his clothes.  He was blessed and fortunate to have his dreams come true.

There were inner cursings in regards to her stubbornness and unwillingness to sleep in his bed, however.  Shouhei wanted her to be comfortable as possible, to welcome Mariko back into his life.  Why was she so adamant against a comfortable bed?  It wasn't like she had never slept in his bed before while they lived in Japan, either.  So he did what he had promised her the night before.

Carefully, cautiously, Shouhei scooped Mariko into his arms so that he could place her back in his bed.

Passion and Violence were the twin evils of Mariko's unsettling dreams. On the one hand, a boy she'd loved returning to her in bleary visions of happiness. On the other hand, people and demons alike, burning like charcoal in fires of her own making. Both were truths, she she could tell. But now, they blurred together into something. Was it her? She felt like she was being carried on the wind, or a cloud perhaps or...

Her eyes opened. Shouhei was above her. He was very close. He was swaying her back and forth-- No, he was Carrying her. Instantly her face was beat red, eyes bright and open, staring up at him. Her body became tense and rigid. "I-I said don't touch." She complained in a short, bewildered voice. There was a feral concern in her heart, but also something else fluttering about that she didn't dare attempt to analyze at the moment. "P-put me down." she said firmly. "Please."

Those words hurt to hear but Shouhei obliged her wishes.  He had to remember that she wasn’t the same person he had known all throughout his life.  Just like the times changed, people changed, and he sincerely hoped it wasn’t for the worst when it came to Mariko.  After all this was like starting a new relationship in the grander scheme of things, but Shouhei would be damned if he didn’t wish to rekindle the spark of romance they once had.

“...Was just followin’ up on my words last night is all,” once he set her down he craned his neck and scratched the back of it, looking away from her.  “Anyway, if you’re awake now, and seein' how my fridge is empty, I was gonna pick us up some breakfast before I went to work.  Whaddaya wanna eat?”

Mariko looked apologetically at Shouhei. Would it really hurt so much to just let him dote on her? Yes, she decided. She couldn't figure out how she felt, and letting him act one way while thinking another would only cause him trouble down the line. If only those memories of him were all she had. She sighed. "I'll go with you. I don't plan to stay here all day anyway. Let me come get breakfast with you, please." She asked, looking up at him with eyes only now showing signs of grogginess.

She rubbed on of them as if to punctuate the point, before covering her mouth for a yawn. "I'll work too. It's only right to help you work if I'm going to be...staying here for the time being." She looked around, as if re-evaluating whether or not she was comfortable with this. She had to stay for now. He was the only link she had to start piecing things together.

“...I appreciate the help, but you don’t hafta do anything.  You supported me growin’ up and I wanna do the same for you, especially now that you’re like this.  I want you to rest, and if you really feel like you wanna work, we can talk about it another time.  Just take a break today,” he didn’t command, but his tone was firm.

“As for food, how do ya feel ‘bout pancakes and waffles.  With lotsa fruit and syrup on ‘em,” with a bright smile and a change of subject Shouhei hoped Mariko wouldn’t press the issue.  Also he was appealing to her sweet tooth, a common tactic he used to employ in their relationship.

"Oh, you want me to rest do you?" Mariko felt a flare of something dramatic and superior as she puffed out her chest and put her hands on her hips. She rose an eyebrow as she considered. She really didn't want to owe him any more than she already had. She wasn't here to fill some gap in his life, and she could hardly use it as payment for staying when it wasn't her intention. More than anything, however, she felt a powerful urge to assert dominance over him. The feeling scared her a little.

"I can go find my own job, I suppose. I'm...not an invalid, Shouhei. I can work to earn my keep. I've been...doing it this long as it is." She looked away.

Then mention of Pancakes though, brought her around to look at him. "That sounds delicious, actually..." She hadn't realized she was hungry until he'd mentioned food. "...Thank you."

He knew Mariko would react like that, which is precisely why he said and used those exact words.  Of course she would interpret his concern in her mental state to be taken as a complete inability to work.  Not to mention she would feel obligated to pay for her rent; the two always used to bicker about paying restaurant bills and the like.  However once she was set on something there was no stopping Mariko, and Shouhei would have to accept and come to her terms.  Thankfully the topic of sweets lightened her mood a bit.

“...All right, I’ll see if Sakakibara-san can take ya in at my job.  I just wanted you to rest today ‘cause your eyes look shot to shit,” Shouhei pointed out her weary eyes.  “Were ya watchin’ over me while I slept all night or somethin’?”

She nodded, thankful that he'd acquiesced to her request to work...not that it would have stopped her if he hadn't. She didn't like the idea of accepting charity from anyone. She'd earn everything she wanted through her own willpower. The question about her watching over him made her blush slightly, however, and she shook her head stiffly. "No. Why would I need to watch over you in your own home? No, it was just too comfortable. I literally don't remember the last time I slept in a proper bed like that. I'm more used to cots or futons, or the floor. Depending on what my mission was, there are nights I wouldn't sleep at all, for fear of losing my target." She explained, though once she'd said it, she immediately regretted it. She didn't want to tell him the kinds of things she had done. She couldn't say she regretted them. It was hard to regret things that she wasn't even sure she was doing by her own will, but something about telling Shouhei about it scared her. She didn't want him to hate her, she realized. Especially since the dreams and the memories...she didn't want him to push her away before she could piece it all back together.

The brief flush of crimson to her cheeks caused Shouhei to smirk in return, however, her reply immediately left that same smile to fade.  Now that he had known Mariko was employed in the Yakuza as one of their personal assassins, he could only imagine the life she’d lived in the year they were apart.  The stress, the pain, the act alone of killing, taking another person’s life, all of it more than likely took a toll on her.  

“...One step atta time then.  I’m sure you’ll appreciate the promotion from clothes to bed sooner or later,” he said lightly, attempting to shove away the grim picture she painted.  “...For now, let’s get some grub.  There’s a nice little pancake and crepe place not too far from my work out in Little Tokyo.”



The early morning’s rays beamed into the windows of the small little eatery known as “Crepe Expectations.”  Much like micro-restaurants in Japan, this tiny locale could seat no more than ten people inside its cramped but quaint quarters; Shouhei and Mariko managed to avoid the breakfast rush by being a bit early.  Its decor was simple and modern, nothing too flashy, evoking thoughts more of a home than a diner.  Sweet smells lingered amongst the hearty aroma of breakfast.

Shouhei and Mariko seated themselves into a two-person booth near the corner.  In the corners of his mind he imagined holding her hand, but only briefly.

“...I always wanted to try this place, but never had a reason to until now.  You in the mood for crepes, pancakes, or waffles?” Shouhei idly asked Mariko, hoping to keep things sweet and simple for now.

Mariko was grateful that he'd acquiesced. Atleast in part, anyway. It sounded like she'd be trying it again. She didn't mind that, she supposed. It would take some getting used to, as everything would take some getting used to. She simply nodded in response, and followed him out the door, after slipping on her boots. She felt gross going out for breakfast in the same clothes she'd worn the day before. Again. She needed to find some new clothes desperately. It was an ulterior motive for getting a job, really.

She followed Shouhei as he walked, and she found her pace dropping a little to be behind him a pace. The outline of his confident stride, walking just a little bit ahead of her, suddenly bombarded her with familiarity. It was like pins and needles in her heart. It was completely and totally natural, she felt, as she reached her hand out slowly, discreetly, towards his. Then, she withdrew it at the last moment, stuffing both hands into the pockets of her coat and matching pace with him. She shook the memories loose from her mind like cobwebs and kept her eyes on the sidewalk ahead. Honestly, what was she thinking. She was as much a stranger to him as he was to her, despite his bravado. Something like that would give him the wrong idea for sure... But still the notion stuck to her mind like glue, bouncing around like a rubber ball and making it hard to think of anything else.

She was grateful when they reached the small breakfast diner and took their seats. She sat across from him, and this felt familiar too. She decided to ignore the feeling and snatched the menu from where it was holstered between the various syrup containers on the table. "It's nice. It reminds me of that place we used to go between school and recital. The...the..." And the memory was gone. She rubbed her temple. "Pancakes. I'll have pancakes. Thank you, Shouhei. I'll pay you back after I get a job."

“...‘The Crepan.’  We used to eat at ‘The Crepan,’” a bittersweet smile and a sharp pull at his heart with Mariko’s loss of memory.  The name came from the portmanteau of “crepe” and “pancake,” as Japan usually had a fixation with that.  Its insides were shockingly similar in many degrees to the one they currently were in now.

He pulled out his phone and swiped through his gallery.  Unsurprisingly, there were many pictures of him and Mariko, or of just her.  He held it out for her to grab and look at.

“That’s ‘The Crepan.’  Your memories aren’t as bad as you think; you came to the conclusion of this place bein’ similar to that place before I did.  And I knew you were a strictly pancake girl.  Look at the pictures- they won’t lie.”

Mariko nodded, but the name didn't ring a bell at all. Still, she accepted the phone from Shouhei. Flipping through the pictures was like stepping from your own dream into someone else's. There was a reality here that was apparent to her, but at a strange sort of distance, like she was watching through a pane of glass. As she looked at the photos she had flashes of memory tied to them. Facts and histories, but some of them felt like they were happening to someone else, not her.

She wanted to express this feeling somehow, but she didn't have the words to tell Shouhei about it. One of the Photos was of her at an aquarium, looking, mystified, at an assortment of fish. There was a care and quality to the photo that spoke to her of Shouhei's affection for this person. Not just this person. Her. It was HER in that photo. But she couldn't feel it, somehow. Didn't remember those fish, or what they had done before or after. She gingerly touched the picture with her fingers, and a stray tear made it's way down her face. The more she looked, the more she talked to Shouhei, the more she ached for the part of her that was missing. The part of her that was shattered into a thousand pieces. Would she ever feel whole again? Was this just going to be her reality for the rest of her days?

Hands trembling a little, she handed the phone back to him, and wiped her face, looking away, and waiting for the server to show up. Her expression was taught and forcibly nonchalant; the look of someone doing everything in their power to suppress their pain for the sake of those around them.

Mariko’s wordless response and stifled tears spoke volumes; Shouhei could only watch in silent anguish.  It seemed he was wrong about her memories, as Mariko could only blankly stare.  He stared at the photo that she had left open to see; Shouhei now desperately tried to stifle his own tears once he saw.  


It was their first date together.  Since they didn’t live near the coast, Shouhei wanted to surprise Mariko and take her to see something they normally weren’t privy to.  Although the aquarium was small, it exceeded Mariko’s expectations as she jubilantly soaked in the sights.  He took that picture when she wasn’t looking, and when later shown, she angrily slapped him on the shoulder for the candid shot.

If only Shouhei could give her those memories back, memories they once shared.  He’d do anything for it, but he took a deep breath and sighed.  He gazed firmly at her and said with conviction:

“...Ya remember what I said last night, yeah?  Even if ya can’t remember everything that happened between us… I’m gonna make new and better memories with you, Mariko.  Let’s live in the now, enjoy our food now.”

Mariko nodded a little, still looking for the server. But his words struck her in a place she wasn't expecting. How could he say to live in the now when he'd lost so much himself? Mariko didn't like losing things. She wanted it back. Those memories were hers. And they'd been taken from her.

She looked back at Shouhei, shaking her head. "No, Shouhei, I...I do want to know. I want to remember everything. I don't have anything concrete, and I feel like now, without the work I've been doing to lose myself in, that I have no ground to walk on. I don't know who I am, Shouhei. It's frightening. I was hoping spending time with you...would help me piece it together. I'm sorry that it gets overwhelming for me sometimes. But...I really do want to know." She looked at him with similar conviction.

Shouhei could only imagine the pain and frustration Mariko went through right now.  However he was genuinely glad that she wanted to gain those memories back.  After all, there was no stopping Mariko once she set her sights on something, as her determined eyes proved to him.

“...We take it one step at a time.  If you feel like you can’t walk, I’ll carry you.  If you ever feel scared, just know I’m here.  I’ll pick up the pieces of memories you’ve lost, all of them.  I don’t care how long it takes,” Shouhei said lovingly.  One of his hands almost reached out to touch hers reflexively- but stopped and balled up into a fist instead.

“Remember.  You were always there for me, so I’m always gonna be there for you.”  Shouhei slid his phone back to Mariko, as it was set on a certain picture.