More Fuggen Goblin Storytime [Grubby's Work Thread]

Aright, so's I s'pose I got some time on my hands an' not a lotta shit to do with it. Now I ain't the sort that'll just sit around bein' bored outta my fuggen gourd all day, I find me somethin' to do. So what am I doin' now? I'll tell ya what I'm doin' now, makin' sure I got me a steady supply a income is what I'm doin' now. I'm up in my shop there, got some lead in front'a me, got some sandpaper an' a couple'a bottles an' I'm gonna make me some more flashbombs what to sell in my store there. But I know you ain't wanna hear me go on an on 'bout how fuggen hard it is gettin' yer mitts cramped up sandin' down lead to a fine powder enough to get it to catch when ya fuggen smash the bottle so's I figure I'll tell ya another 'lil story 'bout my times back in the Material. Pass the time an' whatnot. ...don't pretend like you got somethin' to do neither, you ain't got a damn thing to do neither that's why yer sittin' around on yer ass watchin' an old man sand down metal fer shavin's. Fuggen go watch paint dry while yer at it, hear the grass growin' tournament needs a referee. So siddown, shut the fuggup an' listen to this here tale I'm gonna tell ya.

So this one's about how you shouldn't ever fuck with fairies. I know, I know, they're 'lil fuggen cutesy wootsy butterflies what do the magic an' glow pretty colors but they're fuggen evil I tells ya. Now one fairy all by itself alone ain't no problem you can swat that 'lil fugger like a skeeter but they ain't never come by themselves, always a fuggen flock of'em. So there we was, deep in the Il'Sad'noir Forest makin' our way along the Tree Cut Trail headin' to Abalone. It's darker'n shit out even in the daytime, the trees're so thick you can't even see the light'a the sun. We got lanterns, Hilderbrandt and Alabaster's got some magical light goin' an' I'm creepin' through the dark 'longside the wagon about fifty paces ahead a everyone else so's we don't get ambushed. It's a straight trail but we're feelin' like we're lost cuz it's goin' on fer a while now an' we ain't seem to get nowhere. Ain't got no track a time, ain't no change in scenery, but El'Sino'or says we're goin' the right way so we trust her. 'Least they do, I ain't trust her as far as I can throw'er an' my shoulder ain't what it used to be.

We ain't get through, we gotta camp through the night. I says keep goin', this place is givin' me the damn creepy crawlies but Hilderbrandt says it'd be better if'n we rested up so's if anythin' happened tomorrow we got spells. Can't say I fuggen agree with'im but I ain't gonna leave the stubborn bastard behind and fuck me if I'm goin' out there in the spooky woods all by myself. So we stop the wagon, set up the tents right there on the trail an' build a fire. I get the feelin' we's bein' watched the whole time an' I ain't alone now, El'Sino'or says she feels it too but we already set up camp. This is a bad idea, we shoulda kept movin', but instead we think we're gonna set up double watch. I'm on with Hilderbrandt about four hours into the rest we're takin', he's writin' in his book an' I'm smokin' my pipe an' whittlin' a 'lil somethin' to pass the time. It's all borin' fer most'a it, all ya can hear is the scrapin' of knife on wood, the turnin' a pages, an' the cracklin' a embers fer the most part but it don't stay that way. Nosir, it don't stay that way. I hear gigglin' comin' outta the woods. Now I know Hilderbrandt ain't hear it cuz he ain't even look up from his damn book but he sure as shit heard me loadin' an arrow into my crossbow there. He's about to say somethin' when I hold up a finger tellin' him to shut his fuggen knob slobber. I see lights out there. I put myself under the cart, safe in the dark so's I can see what's goin' on but 'fore I get a good look them flutterin' weirdos all swarm me. They're askin' me questions like why my fuggen skin's green an' where I come from an' if chicken's better grilled on a spit or on a skillet but I smack at'em, get me one crushed like a damn fly on my palm an' they get the fuggen point. Hilderbrandt though, he wanna study'em, talk with'em, find stuff out. I tell'im he ain't gonna find nothin' out from some damn pixies but he ain't listen. Oh boy don't he listen.

So while he's flappin' his gums an' I'm swipin' my hands at fairies what're all wantin' to take my pipe they start gettin' uppity. They take the wizard's gatdamn spellbook. Then they start readin' from it. Now I tell ya my fuggen butthole puckered tight enough to dam a river, spells flyin' every which a way. Fuggen wagon goes up in flames, fog coverin' the ground covered'n slippery fuggen grease, Orgnar's a damn antelope, colors flashin' so bright s'threatinin' to burn out my damn pupils an' Hilderbrandt's dancin' in the air while about a hundred'a those damn glowin' gnats try to make off with'im. Fuggen great. So's I cut through the bullshit fuggen magical vines growin' an' turnin' to stone then meltin' an' I get my fishin' net. I throw it over the fugger an' Alabaster drags'im down from there. El'Sino'or shoots an arrow into the book an' it catches fire, y'know I tell ya what the smell of roastin' pixies is good shit. Smell's just like chicken. An' I get to thinkin', we ain't gonna be able to kill'em all 'fore they hurt somebody. So's what do I do? I reach out there an' grab me one, then I bite it in fuggen half. Fugged up I know but I'm sendin' a message there, and wouldn't you know it tastes like chicken what with that sour sauce. They all get the hint an' fly off an' we gotta beat the shit outta Hilderbrandt an' tie'im up cuz he's tryin'a go after'em. Had to ride Orgnar the Antelope all the way to Abalone just to get'im normal again. An' that's why you don't fuck with fairies. They might seem like they're good 'lil bugs but they're fuggen evil, you mark my fuggen words.

So's I think I made enough I can sell here, Got me about a pound'a that powder an' that ain't no joke what when you're doin' it by hand. Feel like I stuck my mitts in a damn vice an' had a dwarf hammer it, don't know if I'm gettin' old're this has always been a pain in the ass.

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