Peace? [Shun]

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

Shunnosuke was almost going back to his reading when the phone rang again. As typical, another massive block of pixels. That of course explains the response delay. As he went on and on, Shunnosuke thought about it. Not as calmly as Sharaku suggested, but...he did. He still didn't trust him enough to believe he had ulterior benevolent reasons for this approach, however at least the teen gave it some thought.

"Alright. Give me one example of when I was purposely offensive to you to make us even."
"I'm sorry if it bothered you previously that I was not equally cold and harsh to not react rationally to a break up. Sadly I'm not on that level yet."

Still, his will to jab back was stronger.

"Yes, I thought it was a good idea and you can't even imagine how much I regret that mistake."
"Back then, I still wanted your approval or at least I wanted you to know what I went through."
"That's what friends are supposed to do."
"If I can't open up to you about other things than the stupidity of liking you, then we aren't friends. Simple as that."
"Saying you "didn't care much about certain matters", when these matters are pivotal to me, doesn't qualify you as one."
"But perhaps it's not your fault entirely. Perhaps if you had a family you would understand better."
"Should it be the reverse situation, I would never say things like "you shouldn't have come to me to tell this", "you're only dragging my mood down"."
"I don't have to lecture an old man about how inconsiderate it is when you appear more concerned about your view and your mood rather than the other part, you're grown up enough to be able to realize it yourself."
"Also, I'm not asking for any extensive moral_lesson.txt, I already have my parents for that and I can live well without a third one."
"Seriously, all I can think about is that you're doing this to tell around that you at least tried, to calm your conscience, so I'll be the villain as usual."
"Because it's way easier to blame me and think that I'm just being picky or spoiled due to not getting what I want."
"I still don't get why all this fuss if soon I will move away. What's the point? To prove to me you're nicer than what I think?"
"One thing you got right, I should have gone to Hyde and I did."
"And you can be happy, I'm managing to forget everything."
"Next time, try sending a voice message since you can't handle keyboards. There's a microphone icon somewhere in your phone screen, click and hold it."

Okay, that's enough. He was sort of blind by his emotions, sending one sentence at a time as they popped in his mind. At least it's visually better than a big wall of words. On another hand, imagining Sharaku getting tempered over his cellphone was sure a hilarious image. The only part of his message that made Shunnosuke draw something close to a smile.

Subject: Re: Peace? [Shun] Tue Aug 25, 2015 2:09 pm

Hm. So it was about getting even now? Wasn't the whole 'eye for eye' ideology a bit old by now? The more snappy you act, the more negative response you will bring back to yourself. A perfect way to make a loop. And a rather tiring one. Thankfully, he had sorted out certain things with himself by now, so he wasn't going to snap back fruitlessly anymore. Not so easily at least. He still had a limit, techincally. When he knew that it was legitimate to be mad.

---

I don't keep your exact responses written down in a diary. But I'll put it this way. Outward and clear offense is not the only one that hurts. I'm sure you know that. Subtle negative laced comments are often of the same effect. Such as you often assuming I'm just making excuses, being purposefully inconsiderate or not trying to understand well enough. Coupled with your tone of voice and sometimes expression. There's a difference, but the effects are marginally similar in the end. So in certain ways, I'd say we are even. I just tend to be blunt with wording, and you on the other hand do it in a roundabout way.

I wouldn't say I am bothered by irrationality. I can understand being down over something like that. But a sudden explosion of accusations about how negatively you see my intentions can do a lot regardless. You'd defend yourself if I did that instead, would you not? It's normal to react in the heat of the moment. Unless you don't have any feelings that could be hurt. But then we probably wouldn't really be humans.

...I am alright with people showing weakness...but, I find it hard when it's done in a way that puts me down along the way. Feel free to disagree if you wish, but there's no point in me lying, is there?

*sigh*

So you're aiming to generalize then? Friendship isn't perfect. Accident or not, people will occasionaly manage to hurt each other. We don't have the capability to read each other's mind to be able to tell what exactly they consider as offensive and a deal breaker. It's not simple, really. And it probably won't if you tell yourself something cannot be. You're basically not letting yourself.
Technically, I did not specify what the 'certain matters' were exactly. However, do you mean to tell me that you always genuinely care about everything going on? I doubt you do. Therefore, you might just be not caring about a thing that is important to someone else, perhaps even a friend. Being a friend does not make you and the other person one and the same. We like and care about different things. And one can't exactly force themselves to care about every detail the other person does. Pretend, yes, but then it's lying.

Thanks. But sadly, I didn't really choose to not have a family, so I can't change that one.
Question is, do you expect people to tell you sweet lies then? You may not say it, but can you deny that you sometimes think similar things about people? I don't aim to say that I'm right in what I do. I am aware that my style to speech can seem offputting to people, but I see it as naive thinking that just because one does not speak their mind, they never ever think such in their minds.

No you don't, no. But to be honest, you often slip into doing the same. Being mostly concerned over how your feelings are not appreciated. Partially, it is about interpretation of what is said. You did just say 'appear' yes? That does suggest that it's what you percieve it as. But is it right to judge a book by its cover, or the first few pages? If I did that, I suppose I indeed wouldn't be talking to you right now, because I wouldn't see the point. You do seem like you'd be hard to convince to accept something you initially do not want to believe. But I choose to not let that be the only thing I focus on, because it isn't always what truly matters. I could have already flipped you off for turning everything I say against me throughout this conversation, but I won't. (Just fyi, I did not really ask for snarky_response_to_everything.txt either, so we could call it even there) You said that you changed, yes? But it's probably not something that can be truly gotten across with a single conversation. Do you think acting like this will help you reinforce any point? On the matter of that, I don't really expect you to believe me right away either. I simply want you to consider at least.

Hmmm ~ Aren't you the one boxing yourself as the villain already? Trying to prove something does not have to be a reason behind every action. I don't really need to prove myself, because I know who I am without making people boost my ego somehow. One can talk crap about another person without having any sort of proof for it besides their personal view. (It also seems that you're sort of going against your own words. If all you can think is that I'm doing it for my conscience, then you aren't considering another possibility. A way of being inconsiderate. Just something I noticed)

Fuss, hm? It's not really connected with you moving away. Should I automatically be okay with being on bad terms simply because I might not see you again after you leave?

As for Hyde. Good for you, I suppose. He has always been good with being sweet. Perhaps it's a strength of his for all I know. In the right situations at least.

And no. I think I'll live with sticking to this. With the way you're responding to me, perhaps it is better that I leave my voice out of it. Unless you want me to do it.

---

...there wasn't really a point in throwing it against the wall anyway. Then he would have to get a new phone, and that was not worth the hassle. The whole point of texting was that he knew Shun would most likely not want to see or hear him face to face. So he wouldn't go there unless it seemed like a sound option. Which didn't really at this point.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

And after some time of wait, there were more blocks, now very huge blocks, of text. It doesn’t seem like he was getting peace from this, was he? The worst is, Shunnosuke couldn’t really help himself from reading anything. It’s like he was interested in what the other could say. No, he was interested for sure. However, the moment he started reading, he would soon sigh, tiredly. Now, they were lucky they weren’t in front of each other, or Shunnosuke would have a nervous breakdown. Urgh, for everything he said, there was always a dissertative essay as comeback. Starting with Sharaku not having anything to back up his saying in how offensive Shunnosuke can be. The more he read, the sadder he would get. This is not how he wanted it to be. And while he could maybe thing over certain things Sharaku said, he was firm on standing by his own this time. No matter how painful it is, he wouldn’t drop his guard once more to please someone else. Ah, no.

“I’ll just answer your questions, don’t feel like typing a lot of stupid things that’ll fly over someone’s head as usual:”
“You may not believe, but I cared genuinely about everything you told me that’s important about yourself and your past, until I realized it was one-sided.”
“No, I don’t expect people to tell me sweet lies, nor do I want to reinforce any point.”
“If people hurt others, they can simply apologize. Tell how sorry they are and move on from that point. If people can’t read others’ minds, they have to be told in order to apologize. Once I knew (because you always made it sure your sharpness would get across), I did that. That’s to say how concerned about myself I am.”
“I said “appear” yes. So what? Nitpicking on my word choice?”
“I judged you on what you SAID and EXPRESSED, not “by first few pages”. If you think I judged you wrong, then educate yourself into expressing what you mean correctly, learn to act in accordance instead of complaining you’re considered a jerk.”
“Yes, I’m boxing myself as the villain. I take back all subtle negative laced comments, as you called it, about you being inconsiderate, making excuses, always putting barriers between us, never trying to see my point of view nor thinking on how I feel. You’re amazing. Even more of a reason to give up on whatever you’re trying to accomplish here since apparently I’m so wrong about you.”
“Yes, you should be okay. If I am okay with that, you can also be.”
“To end this circus, keep it simple and quick, one sentence if possible, three at max rather than typing a whole book:”
“What exactly do you want from me? What do you expect me to do?”

He bit his own lip, holding the cellphone with such anxiety… and sent the messages, one by one. Perhaps he should change his number after this, as if changing the address isn’t enough already. Gosh…

Subject: Re: Peace? [Shun] Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:59 pm

For how smart Shun probably thought he was...the teen was pretty much doing the same things that he was accusing him of all the time. Having things fly over his head? Check. Not believeing something is genuine? Check. Nitpicking over things to no end? Check. Complaining in some way? Check. Not really trying to see a point different than his own and putting up some walls? Check too. And then having the gall of saying things as if what he was doing was any better at all. Oh, so very fair, really. You know, if you want to call someone out on mistakes? Don't do it by literally doing the same ones in midst of it. Because that is just sad.

Although, he could probably see why. It seemed that people had an easier time seeing the wrong in others, rather than themselves. As Shun said a while ago. It's sure easier to paint the other side as the one to ultimately be doing wrong, instead of taking the time to admit that you have the same flaws in yourself, and aren't always the poor victim. Because...admitting that you have bad traits hurts, right? It's easier to lock that thought away in the back of your mind and put the key under the carpet. Then you can pretend that you're all oh so mighty and confident. And yes, he would admit that he had done that too. On several occasions. But that was before. He could change too. And sometimes....your weakness can actually be your best strength once you learn that it does not have to be the thing dragging you down. Because it is genuinely you, and not something you may have only built up as a charade, perhaps without even consciously realizing so at first. He indeed had his faults. He even enjoyed being doublefaced on occasion. In the past, he had troubles trying to figure out which side of him was actually his real self...but after recent events, he actually had an answer. He'd say that the answer is neither. Because all of one's traits, no matter how conflicting they are...make a person when put together. It's simply a matter of learning to understand how they truly work together, and why. Perhaps in one way, having multiple sides was something that could allow him to understand others better in the end. Since he had the capability to see himself in others to an extent, more often than someone who was simpleminded would. He just...needed to work on the way he expressed himself. It was obvious that his rough edges (aka sharpness in Shun's words) were a no go most of the time...but, old habits die hard. It was something he took on after being tossed around and hurt many times in the past, and it was not easy to get rid of. Alas, that did not mean he would not try.

And he could see where this was going. Shun was trying to hold up a confident self, ignoring the attempts because he was most likely afraid of being hurt again. In a certain way, it was again a contradiction, as the teen had not truly approved of him being the same way. The subtle annoyance and classifying things as excuses when he said that it was because he has had hard times in the past as a part of the explanation to how he sometimes acted. Yet, the younger was starting to do the same. And rather quickly too. After one big blow up. He's had plenty of those in the past himself...and while he did not go around hugging the people that hurt him, he would eventually give them a chance after taking a few moments to chill and see it from a not 'I'm feeling so hurt' induced point of view. It's a matter of giving a go of seeing the good in people, not only the bad. Yet, it's so hard when one side is relentlessly bent on the latter. He did feel a bit bad about it, yes, but he simply did not know how to respond in a 'non-inconsiderate' way, while also saying his opinion. When he was supposed to respond to almost blatanly clear negativity. Correcting in any way meant he was nitpicking and putting himself above the other by giving the impression that he knew everything better. Agreeing would be a flat lie which would not solve anything, and possibly again make him seem like a jerkass for opposite kinds of reasons. It was exactly what Shun called him out on in the past. Not accepting either. Yet, what was he to do when faced with the same? That's simply being posed a lose-lose situation.

He understood well, yes. But he did not have a workable solution. There was nothing he could say without making a misstep. In one direction or the other. Or even the third and fourth one.

---

I suppose I'll abide by your rules this time. Sort of.

Have a short summary, if you will. You are frankly acting the exact same way you are accusing me of right now. In a good 90% of what you are saying. And to be sincere, I only feel sorry for you at this point. I understand. It is far too easier to find the flaws in someone else, instead of admitting that you may just have the same ones too. I am already aware of what I have done without you relentlessly chucking it at me after my every sentence, do not worry. And I am sorry. Yes. The one thing I however have not understood yet, is how do you think not being inconsiderate looks like in application. I can try to be as sincere as I possibly can, but you just see nitpicking and me trying to look better than you, no matter how I attempt to put my words.

Therefore, I'll give you this one, for I meant it when I said my aim is not to have this end in a painful argument. And I see that it is nearly impossible to not have it be that way.

Maybe I should say this...I am not expecting anything special from you. I only wish that you'd start expecting more of yourself, rather than letting circumistance take hold of you. And that will be my last word, unless you decide to genuinely want to listen to what I am saying. It takes two to dance together afterall. The choice is yours in the end.

But know that I do not dislike you no matter what you will do.

---

....

Perhaps he really was a fool in the end. Opting for openminded sincerity despite the obvious spite from the other side. It was something he was not yet accustomed to doing. But he did.

Heh, perhaps he has indeed changed a lot.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

…
The last words… They stuck on his head. Shunnosuke would be fine as long as it remained a verbal clash of sorts. An exchange of fiery arguments is something he could handle now. Why? Because he could deal with it. He was good with making people feel like garbage should it be his intentions, and he was prepared for it if he noticed the little back-and-forth game was getting tiresome on his side, if he ever thought that the other part’s insistence was beyond the acceptable point. But he couldn’t deal with…that. A single sentence made his vision shaky and blurry, almost instantly.

“But you won’t like me either no matter what I do...”

He gritted his teeth, trying to hold the sobs. As hard as it was, he sent the message like that, not caring about possible typos and mistakes. The cellphone’s screen would get equally blurry. Wet. Before he realized, his tears were falling down from his chin, making the bright pixels at his screen hard to tell apart. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, but what could he do? Whether Sharaku would want or not, Shunnosuke was hurt. To him, it might not be something worth feeling depressed, but to him, it meant a lot. The world even, because for the first time, Shunnosuke had found, or so he thought, someone who could make him feel loved at least for a moment. His mind had memories flying, since the first argument they had. And while it’s true that they clashed a lot and sometimes even due to Shunnosuke’s stubbornness and obstinacy, whenever the teenager realized he had accidentally hurt Sharaku, he was willing to go back and show his care, or at least repair whatever damages he may have caused. No, he was no poor victim, perhaps. But at least, in his adolescent inexperience, in all the unintentionally clumsy and demanding attempts to earn the older’s attention, he still had the good will, even if the lack of maturity couldn’t back it up. Maybe he truly committed a severe flaw going too forward for a stable relationship that does not come easily, maybe he shouldn’t have acted as it was a big thing…but, after feeling neglected by parents and school friends, it was all he had. His emotions were always honest and, even if no one else in the world valued them, at least he would. Could he really be blamed for standing up to his feelings up to the last second? Should he be penalized for it? He would never know the answer. Now he had come in terms to his parents, overcoming his own fears and standing up his family for once, he could let go of his infatuation. But…he still couldn’t.

“I don’t want to dance together, I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your sincerity, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want anything from a person who can’t even understand what “three sentences at max” means.

I had to reach my limit and act as repellent as you have towards me this whole time for you to realize a single fraction of how I've felt, well done. I had to literally ignore your existence, contrary to always pursuing you, and “be snarky and dismissive”, as you said it, for you to decide by some celestial being’s will to come and try to reason. And only now, after we’ve reached this point, you’re apologizing, which is something you could have done earlier as I did to you so many times before. If it makes you feel better to think I’m turning into a hypocrite, to think we’re no different, so be it. I can’t be blamed for doing the same as you. If a mirror bothers you, then either don’t look at it or change the reflection.

I was never this vulnerable and I regret it. I regret every single thing I did for you, to earn your affection, not because of the damn break up, this is not even about unrequited feelings anymore. But because opening up to you in the end has only allowed you to make me feel like trash, and no one ever makes me feel that way. Because though I always made sure that whoever tried to would regret it later, you remain an exception. If I hadn’t truly changed, if I was truly letting circumstances taking control of me, I would think of hating you, of taking revenge and using everything I can to stomp on you and make it happen. You said I know how to be offensive, so you know I could do it. Instead, I just backed out, and on my own will rather than because you shunned me away for the 100th time. Oddly enough, weren’t you the one saying you always got hurt in the past whenever you tried to lower your guard? Congratulations, you’ve turned into exactly the same kind of person you despise. A few days, weeks, months can truly reverse someone’s moral compass.

And now you want to make amends. Now you want to know about me, now you act like I’m really important to you even after saying so clearly that you don’t want my feelings shoved in your face.

But now I don’t want it anymore. Call me spiteful a thousand times if it makes you feel superior, but now I can’t believe you, I can’t trust you and I won’t allow you, or anyone else for that matter, to treat me like you’ve done never more.

Don’t text me back if what you have to say is a stupid moral lesson in respect to this damn friendship or to spill crap about how all I have done is blaming you to excuse myself, as you’ve been doing, I might add. Unless you have something different to say, we don’t have anything further to talk to each other.”

He was done. It took him quite some minutes, more than he expected, to send everything and now he was the one throwing big blocks of pixels at the other. Once he finished, he threw his cellphone away, to the other corner of his bed, and held his own face. Now he was crying again for something he had tried to let go. He shouldn’t have expected himself to be stronger than he is, to just overcome all they went through in a few days. Perhaps he hasn’t changed at all. Perhaps he was still the weak, coward kid with a penchant for putting on a bitch, self-confident façade. Regardless, he was resolute to never show this side of him. Ever again.

Subject: Re: Peace? [Shun] Wed Aug 26, 2015 9:21 am

Right. So not disliking somehow meant not liking either. Regardless of the fact that his message did not imply that kind of thing.

---

As far as my awareness goes, I simply said I would not dislike you. I did not imply that I wouldn't like you either. I could like you as a friend, but that also depends on the kind of standpoint you take to this.

---

Aka, there was no point in continually extending the offer forever to someone that refuses to acknowledge it even after the 5th, 10th or 50th time. He was willing to accomodate in some ways, but he would never stoop too low just to earn someone's like or forgiveness. He wasn't a deperate beggar. He only wanted to make things possibly better, however there were limits to what he could do when the other side was bent on keeping it bad at all costs.

He would just sigh at the next message. He could applaud the younger for not spewing random 'insulting' comments for this once, and actually writing in a more acceptable way, but that was kind of where it ended. Because his eyes almost hurt while reading some parts of it. For how much the teen insisted on resenting him for the way he acted in the past, and telling him to go look in the mirror...he was willingly turning into the same kind of person. He even literally said that he was not going to believe, trust or even allow someone to hurt him again. Right after giving an essay on how he detested those traits in him. Now if this didn't almost stink of stupidity, then he didn't know what anymore. Still, he would humor the teen. If he didn't want moral lessons, then he shouldn't be acting in a way that made him deserve exactly such. He understood how hurt and pain felt, in more ways than one, but that was not exactly an excuse to go as far as turning into a complete bitter dumbass just to get back at someone and keep your confident facade. In the end, you will gain nothing from that. Just make your own pain worse.

---

Excuse me here.

But, being sorry, nice etc. etc. ≠ bowing down and letting yourself be walked over.

There is no plausible reason for me to comply with your request of three sentences. I am not your servant. And since reading more than 3 lines will obviously not cause you any actual harm, I don't see how am I causing you anything by doing such. I understood what you wrote perfectly. Don't get me wrong. But I am not obliged to go along with every whim of yours, just because. So please don't go implying I'm stupid enough to not get what 'three sentences' mean. Thank you.

Two.

I hate to repeat myself with this, but I feel like you're not giving me an option.

Peoples world's do not revolve around you just because you think so.
Nor does mine, for the matter.

The way you've been acting this conversation has approximately a 0.5% influence on my level of understanding and realization of things. To be completely frank, the only solid impression you were giving with your messages was that you are more bitter than a lemon, and don't even know how to really stop. That, and I am completely aware of what I've done, what I regret and what I do not. You relentlessly pushing your resentment into my face has no other bearing than showing that you're unable to deal with things, contrary to how you keep saying that you can.

Also.

I find it a bit funny that you are trying to lecture me on what's it like to feel like 'trash'. I've felt like that more times than you can count on your hands up till current time. Far enough that I've considered suicide three times. But I'm still here, instead of showing my finger to everyone that I happen to have a bigger disagreement with because of it. But yes, I do indeed tend to act guarded and more harsh than most people due to that fact. You are not wrong. I'm not sure how valid it however is, that you claim to detest exactly these traits of mine.

Let me just quote you here:

''Call me spiteful a thousand times if it makes you feel superior, but now I can’t believe you, I can’t trust you and I won’t allow you, or anyone else for that matter, to treat me like you’ve done never more.''

And I can also answer you with your own words.

''Congratulations, you’ve turned into exactly the same kind of person you despise''

Except for the fact that it would be more accurate to say *you're turning

And all it took you was getting hurt my me. Maybe I should be glad that someone else didn't accidentaly happen to stomp on your feelings more than just a little bit, because I sure wouldn't wish anyone to deal with someone who approaches things like you at times.

Fyi, I did not attempt to actually say sorry earlier in this conversation, because I understood that you would just say that you don't believe I mean it, or claim that it's too late. So basically, it never mattered, did it? Not unless I would have had said it right after the first times I somehow hurt you long ago. Otherwise, it would be me taking too long to realize I'm a jerk. So, technically, you've only proved me right by crapping on my choice of action.

In regards to that, I am not the only one spilling crap on everything.

(Also, just so you know, I have no problem with looking at my reflection in the mirror, because I've accepted my faults already. I know I've done wrong before, and I'm willing to make things different. Pretending to be doing great by getting back at the other person, and basically becoming a mirror to what you criticize yourself is not what I would call actually being strong. But what do I know, right?)

News' flash for you: Everyone can change, whether you believe they can or not

And my aim was never to truly put blame on you, but to make you understand where this is going. We both have our fair share of blame for what happened in the past, but now is the present, as far as I know.

And I can say what I want. Don't get icky over moral lessons when you're indirectly asking for them. Assuming that I even meant to put my words as moral lessons to begin with. But in the end, you are free to think of my words however you want, so I will digress.

---

...there was a point at which one can say that the effors are being wasted. Still, despite that, he did not go all out insulting the teen. He did say he wasn't denying being wrong before. Although, he was decently sure that Shun would let those parts fly over his head, or label them as an attempt to look better. Because that was all that he's been doing up till now. Regardless, he knew himself, and knew why he did what he did. Someone too absorbed in their feelings like this, was not really going to affect him too much. For he already knew everything Shun was saying. In a way, he had known all along. He just didn't choose to fully acknowledge it back then, in spite of his own emotions. But enough of that by now.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

It took Shun a while to garner courage and read what Sharaku had sent. Yes, he knew it was him. It had been him the whole hour. The teen was more composed now that he released his emotions on the pillow. Why did it have to be so hard? In a way, he wanted to go back on his words, maybe he was indeed being too harsh, as opposed to all the accusations he made to the man. Sharaku has been cruel and severe, yes. But never for a moment Shunnosuke considered hating him.

…when he picked the phone, his vision would get shaky and fuzzy again.

There were so many things wrong, and horrible, he wasn’t even sure of what to point out first. First of all, yes, he did know the world doesn’t resolve around him and his whims, requests or whatever word Sharaku may want to use to describe it. He knew it already, and he had come in terms to consequences of possible bad, spoiled deeds. However, that can go both ways. Just because Sharaku didn’t like Shunnosuke’s views, doesn’t mean he had the right to nearly demand him to drop off his defenses for the sake of convenience. Gosh, he has even gone through the same and got easily irritated when the teenager seemed to implicate anything remotely close to “don’t act as guarded towards me”.

Now, yes, he knew he was acting bitter. And this kind of response is exactly why. So, by trying to tell how he felt, it automatically means he doesn’t know how to stop? Does it mean he’s unable to deal with everything? Damn, he was doing his best. He respected Sharaku’s choices before, didn’t he? Perhaps that’s where his age comes as a vital part of it, but if there was another option rather than leaving the stage for good, Shunnosuke didn’t see. Maybe if he swallowed his pride again and took it all with a smile, the older would be pleased? It doesn’t work that way. He was not a sponge that supposedly absorbs everything without resistance, he’s a human being. He wasn’t the one insisting on an argument, on convincing the other part. He wasn’t the one who started this, he wasn’t the one pursuing and seeking the other, but apparently it’s only a crime when he does it. He couldn’t think of anything else other than what he has told Sharaku before: unfairness all the way.

The third big paragraph was…by far the worst. In many ways the teen could swear he was about to break into tears again, but not much because Sharaku wrongly stated Shunnosuke was trying to lecture him, which he wasn’t; if anything, it was just an attempt to express a part of his emotions. Not much because Sharaku thought Shunnosuke had to react differently to “big disagreements”. But because only now he knew what Sharaku went through. So he had considered suicide? The teenager didn’t even know what to think. When? How? Or rather, what for? Why was he telling this now? And why hasn’t he sought his assistance? Shun has always been there all the way, darn it! Maybe there was a reason, though he could very much deduce it’s because he wasn’t reliable and Sharaku never saw him the way he wanted to be seen, as someone you can rely on, in whatever way. Then…why’s he putting all this discussion? Shun couldn’t get it, no matter how hard he thought. The only thing he could think about is that it’s one more of a proof they weren’t friends to each other.

Moving on, everything that succeeded was rather blurry for him, the suicide occupying the rest of his senses to the point not even the blatant sarcasm hurt much. Nor the attempts to diss him implicitly, nor how he said he was willing to make things different albeit acting the same way, how everyone can change…even if this long message showed to him Sharaku hasn’t changed much. At least, Shunnosuke couldn’t see a real change, not in the long run. In a way, it’s kind of amusing on how accurate Sharaku was in one thing: Shunnosuke really turned defensive towards him. Who’d have thought they’d end up switching roles by the night?

“It’s mutual, I don’t want to deal with you. I don’t like you, not even as a friend.”

He said he wouldn't wish for anyone to deal with him, right? So, be it. One moment passed before he could quickly type another message.

“You’re right. You took so long it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s too late.
About the suicide, seek help. Good luck.”

That’s all he could send to him. He didn’t want to stay away for real, nor did he want to keep typing with trembling, shaky hands, constantly exposed to a mentally draining argument. It was better this way, he didn’t need the insults anymore, or the tiresome reading; his mind was made, at least for tonight. If he wanted to seriously get rid of whatever he felt for Sharaku, both the positive, unrequited feelings and also the resentment, he would have to step back again and leave some bigger distance between them. Maybe it’s a good time he decided to take the opportunity for a one-way ticket to England. He didn’t accept his father’s offer thinking of the possibility of running away, but…it’s a bonus. He still couldn’t understand why Sharaku insisted so much on "being friends", as if Shunnosuke’s views really mattered, as if they cared for each other — which they didn’t in his opinions, that much is clear to the teenager —, when at the same time he was throwing at the younger how hypocritical and immature he is and how he managed to prove the older right. Would you seriously want a person as a friend if they are as despicable? Shunnosuke definitely wouldn’t. And it goes both ways; so, it seemed better if each of them could live well without the other, and far away if possible. Maybe one day he would turn back on this decision. Maybe one day he would think of Sharaku as someone else, someone common, even a friend if they proved each other they’re worth the title.

But for now, he’d rather think of the older as just one guy he happened to meet in a party. As for himself, he was just the host’s son who welcomed him, talked to him a bit…and nothing else.
That one day might come. But it won’t be today.

Subject: Re: Peace? [Shun] Wed Aug 26, 2015 10:14 pm

Same old. Just going to twist his words into what suited him as a way to justify what was he was doing. Pointing out that something has been done wrong, or is being honestly contradicting over and over is not always meant to be as dislike in that way. He had said several times as to what his intention was. Can't help the fact that Shun insisted on tipping all of his statements into the negative category just because they weren't compliments, or him saying some praise. Therefore, there was nothing mutual between them of that kind. He would definitely beg to differ. And if the issue was him being harsh again? Then the teen needed to think about what he was doing. Because a reaction is a response to an action done beforehand. Having the majority of what you try to say, whether you try to be logical, or sincere, or anything else crapped on in return because 'I refuse to believe a thing you claim in the end anyway', would end up having an influence in the end. On everyone. Don't give what you don't want to get in return. His motivation to be genuine was bound to eventually drop to zero, no matter how willing he was to try. Because there is only so much disrespect one can take, before the other side accomplishes to lose any respect aimed towards them as well.

He took it from the start. Swallowed and played by the fact that he got jabs and passive agressive crap in return from the beginning, just for the fact that he even bothered to extend the offer of a conversation. He did his best to try and balance, to find a way that could work. But he only got downplayed each time, even when he gave an attempt to be sincere more than normal. But Shun was the one that had the sole right of getting all puffed up over it. While he on the other hand was perfectly justified to point out all the flaws in the texts, and showing zero respect by rudely claiming he didn't want anything from Sharaku. Yet, he didn't want it so much, that he still had to go and keep raining on everything right after. You don't want something? Why do you bother on dissecting it further? If that is your actual view, then why not just -stfu- and be done with it? That's what you want, no? Hurt feelings or not, going ahead and doing your best to sting back is not a win. Well yes, it is a win, but a rather pathetic one. Then getting hurt even more when you get retaliated against. Well, excuse him, but his majesty was not the only one with the right to be snippy and all that. That was not a form of fairness.

Why should he care so much anyway? It wouldn't go through the teen's thick skull regardless. And he wouldn't go beyond reality just to prove that. (Actually, didn't Shun accuse 'trying to prove something' of being wrong too not so long ago?) Whether it was just a tough facade or not, if you take so much effort to prove how you don't want something....eventually, you'll earn exactly what you ask for. Is it actually the truth? Perhaps, he could be able to tell. But he saw no point in trying empathy on someone who wouldn't appreciate any kind of try. Not anymore. If what Shun wanted was to become the ass he was criticizing the other side for being, then...fine. Be it. He'd only wish him good luck in becoming his dream self. And if the younger regreted it or anything he wrote? Not really his problem. Don't talk bull even after all that unless you mean it.

Funnily enough, he still didn't hate Shun. No. He would just be polite and give the teen what he was so insistently wishing for. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Act ammendable no matter how the other side affects you. Even when the other stakes the claim of being able to do the opposite freely while bashing the same behavior meanwhile. He could do the same. He didn't have to bother trying anything. Afterall, he would do Shun a favor with that, right? So the younger could go find his prince awesome, who would almost never say harsh word, or notice any wrongs done. There can be more than negative reasons for pointing out a flaw. One of them being that you might just want to help someone see what could perhaps be improved on. But nevermind, apparently.

---

Very well, you win.

It's too late, yes. Considering how much effort you put into acting 'repellent', as you put it before...you've earned what you wished for so much. I'm done bothering you. That's what you want, no? Truth or not, doesn't matter anymore. You've made it clear that you insist on acting as if you want this, so I'll comply. It's not like I have a reason to extend a hand forever when you disrespect the majority of what I'm saying, while simultaneously pointing out how much of a jerk I am instead. If you have the right to be bitter and act out on hurt feelings, then don't criticize me for doing the same. You have feelings. So do I. You can't give something, and expect something very different in return instead. I only got passive agressive crap from the moment I decided to say hi. Sorry that I even took the time to remember you exist. I guess you want the exact opposite of me.

If I can't say neither my opinion, nor what I see as more logical without it meaning I am being a stuck up, and aiming to hurt you more on purpose each damn time, then yes, I have nothing more to say myself. Go find your prince charming that will not dare to say a harsh word, or let you know you're behaving in not the nicest way. Seems that's what you seek out of a relationship with a person for it to actually work.

One more thing. My statement will not change, whether you claim something is mutual or not. I will not be a hardass and dislike you. However, other than that...

I'm done. Don't bother. You've implied several times during the whole conversation that you don't want anything from me, nor will you ever trust me etc.. Guess this is the nicest thing I can do for you. So I'll do you the favor, and not speak to you ever again.

I wanted to give this a chance, but since I see you don't truly intend to give much of a crap in the end, then it's better this way. Even I have my 'limits' And as you just said, you don't like me. So you can be happy about this.

I wish you good luck in the rest of your stay here and whatever comes after. If we happen to meet again due to circumistances, you can go ahead and pretend I don't exist.

---

It wasn't pleasant to do, but if Shun really wanted it the hard way, he would get it. He didn't feel good by doing it, but he had his own resolves. He felt like it was sad that it had to come down to this, yes, but he did not regret it. If he was the one who sucked, then Shun sucked equally as much. Therefore, there was no reason for anything more to do about it. For a good while, at least. He never wanted this. But he was pretty much forced into that corner in the end anyway. He didn't have to spend his feelings on someone that would only react this way the moment something didn't sit right for him. He could find someone who would bother working on a relationship at least a bit, instead of blatantly resisting every advance regardless of meaning.

This time, he truly meant what he said. If Shun responded, he would only get a ''......'' in return at max, regardless of what he would write. He did not talk to the air or make excuses all the time. When he said he would do something, he would actually make due on it.

~Exit~

Posts : 6498 Join date : 2013-07-06 Age : 30

A friendship has been broken...

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