Wired Life (Cecil)

Nadia did her very best not to feel a little pit of worry in her stomach when Cecil didn't respond in kind to her admission. It was okay, she told herself, like last time. It didn't change how she felt about him, and him not saying it didn't change that he had made her day by showing up unannounced. They had been together for only a few months or so - she really couldn't remember exactly - and it was understandable if he wasn't as invested as she would.

but it still threatened to fill her with despair. Almost imperceptibly, her body tensed up against him. She hoped he didn't notice. The last thing she wanted was for him to lie and not mean it just because he wanted to make her feel better. She relaxed after a moment, letting out a small sigh at his words. "You...believed it when you were above me on the couch." She countered. The words came quick, and light, like a joke. But there was a small modicum of worry and tiredness behind them that even her careful speech could not mask. She was not looking up at him, still relaxed, eyes closed, in his arms.

It was a subtle shift, that could have gone unnoticed. One that she didn't want to be noticed. But with his focus on her as it was, the tension that came after he spoke didn't go unnoticed. Nor did the little bit of worry that trickled through her voice.
He held her tighter, tensing himself. "I wasn't even thinking about it then. I wasn't questioning real or not, whether it was deserved. You were there, and it felt so good to wrap myself up in all of it." He fidgets with Nadia's hair, starting to feel a little restless again. "Are you telling me you don't question anything? How surreal it is to be here after what came before, what luck brought you this far?"
He pauses.
"It's...not necessarily bad to have some questions about it all, I think. But...you can't get stuck on them. You've...got to accept that things have gotten this far. Even if you doubt you deserve it, even if you don't think you should have managed this much...you did. This is life now. And you've got to act like it. Save the questions for later, and just take in the moment for what it is." In and out he breathes in a slow, steady rhythm, mindful of the girl in his arms. "Questions don't just go away. Doubts, fears, they still hold you back sometimes...from saying the things you want to be able to say, sticking in your throat at the crucial moment for them."

He feels a flush to his cheek as the restlessness increases, and he clears his throat. "A-Anyway. You - I'm trying to just get things done, alright? Push past it, stop focusing on the questions and the worries and the fears and the doubts and just - just do things instead of going turtle and retreating in on myself. No falling unconscious in the library from overwork, going and doing things I enjoy, and meeting up with people to show them I care about them and how much I care instead of leaving them to try and drag me along because I'm too busy being dumb. I'm still worrying, I'm still absolutely terrified of everything and unable to confront all this stuff head on, but-" He rests his hands on Nadia's shoulders, pulling them apart so he can look pleadingly into her eyes, desperately hoping she understands. "-I'm trying to show you what I mean, alright? What you mean. With whatever gestures I can manage."

Nadia listened to his heart beat as it increased with his words. Darnit...but, all of the things he was saying...they were for him, not for her. Things he'd probably been telling himself, things Tomomi and she had told him before as well. She could hear them both in it, and it made her smile. Because he was listening, even if he was struggling to put it into practice.

The look on her face was gentle when he pulled her away from him to look at her. "I do understand, Cecil. You know better than most what doubts I have for myself. I told you before you can't disappoint me, because I...don't expect to receive anything. All of this makes me so happy I don't have words for it. But even so, I..." she averted her eyes. She didn't have words for the strained worry beneath it all either. Did it even have anything to do with him? Or was it just being triggered by him in this particular moment? She couldn't say. She didn't want to. In the end, after trailing off, she just shook her head and smiled. "Just like there's always happiness in the wake of sadness, there is also sadness waiting for happiness to end. And I...sometimes that scares me more than death does." she admitted.

She regretted saying it immediately, and shook her head. She knew where this was going. It was going to a place neither of them were equipped to fix right now. She didn't mind feeling happy and sad at the same time, she could manage that. But just this once, she was determined to not let either of them cry. "come with me." she stood up, pulling on his arms to get him to stand, and then pulling at him lightly towards her bedroom door. Before pushing it open, she turned back to him. "I don't want to think about the sad things right now, okay? You and I are more than our sadness. I want you to kiss me and kiss me until I..." She blushed, biting her lip a little, "U-until I can't breathe, just like before. And I want us to be comfortable while you do it." There was hope in her eyes as she looked at him, searching for the answer she wanted. If he said no, she would accept it. They could talk themselves to tears again, or they could try to push past those tears together. Ignoring those worries and choosing to be happy anyway - that was a feat and an exercise in it's own right.

He was on his feet before he'd fully processed her reply, moving along at the whim of his girlfriend. As he was pulled along to the door to her bedroom, he felt a lightning flash of anxiety, a thousand scenarios running through his head that he would never before have considered.
But he couldn't ignore that expression, or the way she bit her lip. The shimmer of hope as she beckoned him along. And despite himself, he felt his lips creep up into a tiny little smirk as he leaned in and closed the gap.
I'm not dumb enough to say no to that.