This doesn't look like planning a date to me (Cecil)

Nadia Spent most of the day alternating between sketching approximations of her classmates' skulls and staring dejectedly out the window. It wasn't really fair to say that she was obsessing over Cecil. She was obsessing over her confusion regarding her own feelings. She didn't like being uncertain. But at the same time, finding out the answer made her excited. It made her want to run a marathon. It made her want to move. A few days had passed, and no word about this 'date' that Cecil had seemed so sure about that day on the roof.

He was probably freaking out about it, now that his 'brain had started working again' as he put it. Preposterous. Your brain was always working, it just had a hard time processing certain things. And now she was arguing with him inside her own head. That certainly wasn't a healthy practice. Though, anyone who thought of Nadia as a paragon of mental health clearly wasn't qualified to diagnose such things.

The day was over now, though, and she was heading home, passed the Library. There he was, head bent over a book of some kind...more than one book, it looked like. Did he always study this much after school? She knew he spent a lot of time studying, but...

Tentatively, quietly as she could, Nadia approached the blond. There were a few other students in the library at the moment, though none that Nadia knew by name. Not that she cared much about spreading rumors. Her focus right now was Cecil.

Coming up behind him, she gently put her hands on his shoulders, bent over him, and kissed his cheek lightly. "That's for the roof." She announced, hands still on his shoulders.

With his earphones in, Nadia need not have been terribly quiet, a steady stream of music blinding him to the world...if not everything else he sought distraction from.
It made her task all too easy.



Cecil's startled cry draws eyes in the library, their frustration at the noise turning to other things as jumps in place and crashes to the ground from his chair. His body crashes and the table leg, and as it jolts with him, the blond boy soon finds himself subject to a hail of books pouring over him from his almighty stack. As he looks up, spots Nadia standing above him...and draws into himself, curling up as the books flow from and around his body, earphones solidly remaining in place.
He can't look at her right now.

Nadia's shock was evident on her face. She was not expecting the yell, or the jump, or the fall, or the books...For a second she just stood blinking, bewildered. Until she realized that that probably hurt, and knelt beside him.

Silently, with a palpable air of apology, she gingerly picked the books up off the floor...and off of him. She set the books one by one on the table, not being particularly mindful of what they were or how they were stacked, she mainly just wanted to pick up the mess she'd caused. The only thing still on the ground was Cecil, and Nadia knelt by him in quiet support until he decided he was ready to deal with what just happened. Her wide, curious eyes studied him. "I'm sorry." She said softly, but he probably didn't hear her with his headphones in.

If he moved to sit up, she would offer him a hand to help him to his feet.

The blond finds himself unable to do much but swallow and stay silent as Nadia frees him from his paged prison. He...could honestly stay like this forever right now. It's the only thing he wants to do. Just curl up in a ball and wait until darkness takes him.
He can't do that, though.
With Nadia's help, he gets his legs under him, and rises to his feet. "L-l-let's go so-o-o-o, somewhere else." His voice trembles with his breath as he hastily gathers up his belongings and starts rushing about the library to put books back. He wanted, he wanted so bad to just leave, but that would be inconsiderate, that'd be rude, couldn't inconvenience people, just had to get this done quick even if he knew he was being looked at and oh god he just needed to leave-

Cecil practically sprints out of the room and down the halls once he'd returned everything to its rightful place...only to crawl to a halt once he'd gone around the corner, and curl up again against the wall. Guilt flooded him after that, remembering the rooftops, the fears Nadia had admitted and the promises he'd made. He'd - he'd just freaked out on her. A kiss on the cheek was all it took, before he made a horrific fool of himself, stuttered out that he needed to leave, and rushed away alone without any concern but getting away.
She didn't deserve that. That wasn't right.
He laid a hand on his cheek, before folding in once more and starting to sob.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
She deserved better than this, he thought, as he bawled out apologies.
Better than him.
He didn't know what he felt, but he knew she felt something, and there was no way to apologise enough that these feelings went to someone who couldn't even cope with that. With the feelings she'd shared, and the promises he'd made.

P a t h e t i c .

No sooner than Nadia helped Cecil to his feet than he started darting around the library to put books away. Nadia stood and watched him curiously, reaching out to snag his sleeve and missing every once in a while when he passed to grab another book. "Cecil...hey..."

And then he was gone, down the hallway. Nadia followed, of course, turned to find him sobbing against a wall and curling up again. For a moment she just stood there, watching his misery play out again. After a moment of watching him, she circled around, leaning back against the wall in view of him, and sunk to the floor.

She let him cry for a few more moments as she sat there before she finally turned to him with an easy smile, ignoring his state completely. He was still wearing his earphones, so she reached up and plucked them out of his ears, letting them dangle. "So, I was told to wait for you to decide what we were doing for our date, but I thought you might be breaking down about it, so I came to help you." She reached out with a gentle hand to wipe the tears away from his cheek. "It will be easier to talk about it if you're not in hysterics. I'm sorry I kissed you like that. I was trying to get you back for surprising me on the roof, but I see now I only made things worse for you. I'm sorry."

The music stopped. He felt his earphones leave their places. A voice - Nadia.
His voice died. His head turned, to peer at her from the corner of his eye. She was going to be...she wasn't...she was...smiling?
Why was she smiling?
He seemed baffled as the tears kept falling, eyes flicking to her hand as it brushed his cheek. Something registered - an apology? That wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to apologise. It wasn't her fault, it was "Not your fault, you don't need to be sorry, you don't need to apologise, not your fault here, not your fault at all, don't apologise, why are you apologising? You don't need to apologise, I'm sorry I made you apologise, don't think you need to be sorry-"

Round, round and round, circles and spirals going down, down, down. In loops that wrapped his neck he spoke, choking himself with the words. He didn't hear properly. He didn't hear Nadia. He heard her words, but he didn't listen.

She really broke him this time, didn't she? Nadia's eyebrows knotted apologetically, despite his words, and she covered his mouth. "Just...stop." She told him, voice light, "Just stop, breathe." He wouldn't be any good to talk to in this state, she thought to herself. It seemed worse than it had been before even. Had he been winding himself up all this time just because of the date? Maybe he really didn't want to. She didn't want to accept that, considering what he'd said on the roof, but...

And she waited, hand over his mouth, crouching close to him, until he did something other than apologize.

"-please don't be sorry, don't apologise, I neph mph mm mmph...mmm? Mmmph mm mmph...?" He stops and stares a moment, simply breathing. A flow of air tickles against Nadia's hand, starting rapid and slowing down as she hold her hand over his mouth. After a while, his breathing slowed but not quite even yet, he reaches slowly up with one hand to try and removes Nadia's from his mouth...and then it stops before he's even halfway there, hand dangling in the air as even the prospect of touching her hand this way strikes him with nerves, leaving him to wonder if he should.
What they would think of it.
What...he, would think of it.

...should he try it? Could he?

Nadia left her hand against his mouth lightly, as his breathing slowed back down and he seemed to be thinking. His hand raised toward hers, but stopped. She could see the cogs working behind his eyes. Her eyebrows raised only a small bit. "Go ahead." She wasn't exactly sure what it was he was hesitating about, but she wanted him to know he was safe to try - whatever it was - he could try.

...she...seemed to be fine? She knew? She was fine?
...that didn't surprise him, actually, but...now what? Could - could he, deal with this? Is this-?

It...was worth a try, wasn't it? Test things?
A date was going to be rough if he couldn't even do this.

Tentatively, his hand reached up to Nadia's, gently peeling it away from his mouth. There was hesitation, then, while he had that contact. The nerves struck hard. His head told him he shouldn't. This would only make things worse if he indulged this more than he had to. Get the date done, and...gently guide Nadia onto other, less self-destructive paths.

He knew he should. He knew that was best.

He also really wanted to at least...try this, though. It surprised him.
...he wasn't going to have this again, so...
He...may as well at least find out what it's like before it's lost to him forever. New experiences, like Nadia said. Even if it would end up being his only one.

Slowly, Cecil's hand entwines with hers as he brings it down.


...this was nice.


He wouldn't mind doing this more.


His face went from bright red to luminous at the thought.

Nadia waited.

He was calming down. His hand reached up and took hers, and, to her surprise, their fingers twined together. He just held her hand for a moment, bright red and embarrassed. But then, the embarrassment seemed to recede into something more serene. Nadia's smile broadened, but she just let them stay like that for a moment before she said anything. She leaned more against the wall, head resting against the locker there and looking at him as he came down from his episode.

"Better?" She asked finally, still holding his hand. "I don't have anywhere else to be, so take as much time as you need."

"I-I-I...y-yeah. Ah, aha...better." He nodded, looking awkward, but...happy. He gently squeezed Nadia's hand, as if to confirm that it really was there. That this was happening.
It still kind of freaked him out, but he...liked it? Yeah. He thought he liked this.

"...what, do you, um...think of it? This?"

The goofy awkward smile on Cecil's face made her giggle a little, and she squeezed his hand back. "It's good." She replied, pulling her legs up to rest her chin on her knees. "It's good." she repeated. They had held hands before. She'd snatched his hand to drag him away from Maria and pull him into the Inn. She wanted to use that to poke fun, but...There was something in the way he said it that gave her the impression that it wasn't the actual hand-holding he was talking about. It was something more than that. What was it? could she put words to it? was it...what Kendra had said? A crush or something like that?

Whatever it was, she liked it too. "I like it a lot. Do...do you want...this? I have been pushing, because you freak out and miss out on things. But if you really just...If you don't want to go on this date, you can tell me." She ran her thumb along his knuckles absently as she fumbled over her words. in spite of herself, she was worrying about it. "But I think we should. We're making up for...lost time, remember?" It was a good thing she finished speaking before she met his eyes with hers, because now that she had, she realized she wasn't sure she could talk. Don't give him a way out! He'll back out for sure and it'll be ruined! But...maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he wanted it too, even if it was hard for him. She couldn't make his changes for him, after all. He had to take the steps, or else there was no meaning in it.

Something about that confirmation put him at ease. The little squeeze of his hand. He felt...comfortable. At peace. It made an odd contrast with his tear-stained features.
His hand squeezed ever so slightly tighter as Nadia's thumb ran over his knuckles, subconsciously responding to the gesture. His dark green eyes took in the girl as she stumbled over herself, and he wondered...how much did he want this? What was it he wanted from this, if anything?
It niggled at the back of his head that this was a dangerous way to think. He knew those thoughts were right, but he just didn't want them to be. They hurt, and this felt nice. So very nice. He wanted to hold onto this feeling, to feel nice in this way, but those thoughts told him he couldn't, he must, that he had to let this go and cast it far beyond his reach.
That hurt far too much to consider no matter how right it was.
He took that voice in his head of what was the right way, and smothered it. Pushed it back, squashed it down, crushed it under the weight of the feeling this gesture had brought to light. That felt even better.

Yes. Now he could pretend for a bit.
Pretend those horrible truths were merely falsehood.

"...I promised you it. I looked forward to it. I still kinda do now, honestly." He leaned into Nadia, seeking a greater taste of closeness. Of security. This was a peace that hung on a wire's edge...and he desperately wanted it not to fall and bring everything back. "It's just hard to let myself, since I'm thinking about it now. To pretend that...I can. Like anyone else." He pauses, biting his lip. "I freak out about it all. That I don't deserve this, that you deserve better than this. Then it's onto looking at what I'm supposed to do, how I act, how I can make it all perfect so you can get as close to what you deserve as possible. And it doesn't stop. I keep pushing further, for more. Never enough." He lets out a quiet little laugh. "I need to get over it. Get over myself and all my idiocy. Then I can get it done. Make things perfect, just like they're supposed to be."

Nadia smiled as he spoke. Even as he talked about how he didn't deserve her, how she deserved better...These were concepts that didn't matter to her at all. She couldn't understand how someone could measure these types of things. How did he know that he didn't deserve to be happy? Who told him that? What made him believe it? Who said she deserved anything more than what was right in front of her? Who ever it was who said those things didn't matter. He just had to figure that out himself. She knew it would take time, and she was more than happy to watch as he figured it out. It was a beautiful glimpse into his broken mind.

The hand that wasn't being held reached up, now that he was that much closer, and brushed stray hair out of his face that had adhered to the salty residue from his tears. "Perfect is boring, and in my observation, doesn't exist. I don't want perfect, Cecil. I just want to experience things with you, and I want...you to be able to experience them to. We could go to that bathhouse I mentioned? or there's those clubs you spoke about before. Or the Karaoke place, or...Somewhere niether of us has even thought about going yet. I want us to see and do so many new things that we look back on the people we used to be and laugh at how far we've come. I used to want to do it by myself...but now I think...I would rather take you there with me."

"Is that strange?"