He sighed as he looked up at the sky from his house as he did his chores that night, starting with washing the dishes.
As he scrubbed them, he pondered his current situation.
He figured that the cadets would have their own counselors,all things considered.
He had problems. He knew that much about himself.
Ordinary problems with extraordinary origins.
The extraordinary part is what made him think that they would have counselors in particular since some of those circumstances of those extraordinary encounters could be traumatizing. Mental therapy you would think would be installed to deal with it.
Unfortunately, it appeared not. If he had to venture a guess, it was due to how some of those were probably highly classified.
He sighed again as he finished washing the dishes, and then started to take out the trash.
As he took out the trash, he once again pondered his life.
He knew that this was real life, where things like inferiority complexes, self-esteem issues, and such couldn't be resolved with a simple epic speech like in fantasy. Not in the long term run, anyways. Maybe enough to give a boost in resolve temporarily, but not enough to heal the damage done.
Too bad right now he was living an extraordinary life that he honestly was beginning to hate.
The source of the miseries that caused this was himself.
He had a fairly good idea that on paper, even newbies were probably above him on the list to promotion. Between some bad mission reports on his lack of performance (through no fault of his own, although he figured it must have been his fault in some manner), his already bad first impression with Julius, and being one of the weakest of the cadets, he had managed to increase his self-esteem issues to where he now felt increasingly inferior to cadets that he should be on equal terms with.
To sum it up in simple terms, he was pathetic.
He knew that changing that would take a very long time, and that the exact things needed to be done were things high command would deem unacceptable and probably just give him a resignation form.
Part of him wanted to quit as well. But that certainly wasn't an option. If he did that,he'd become a completely isolated being, shamed forever as a failure who couldn't measure up to standards.
He then finished taking out the trash and went to attend to his next task of making sure the house was locked up for the night.
As he checked around the house, he thought of his current quandary, which was that his mental issues were holding him back. With no one to confide with as to these issues and treat them, they would only continue to hinder him. On the other hand, attempting to solve these issues would probably mean resorting to means that were either impossible,or not accepted at all.
All he could do at most was rage, cry, and hate himself for his misery and stagnation.
He felt hate at himself.
But mostly, he felt so… alone.
He had no one to cry to. No friends he could tell about how he felt about himself without telling things that couldn't be told.
Even in the cadets, which prided itself in cooperation and togetherness, he was alone because quite literally, nobody, it seemed, wanted to team up with him.
At that moment, two people popped into his head.
Masa and Sumi.
People that he had been trying to connect with.
But Masa because she wasn't returning his calls for some reason, and he hadn't seen her at all for the last few days.
Sumi might be an option, but considering what had happened the last time they met, well…
He wondered if rumors of the incident after had reached her yet.
Either way, he would wind up making her angry, and yet…
He couldn’t help but wonder if associating with Sumi would have negative consequences on her when she joined the cadets. He didn’t want to drag her down for something that he had caused.
Assuming she wasn’t already mad at him for lying to her.
This gnawed on him so much, every day felt like a waking dream. He felt hollow inside, finding little enjoyment in what he did.
If he had to diagnose himself,he'd probably put it down as Clinical Depression.
Which had sadly become a meme (and not in a good way), especially considering how serious an issue it was (having even done a presentation on it once).
He felt like he was being swept away in things and drowning in them.
He wanted someone to save him. Anyone. Someone he could trust and cry on.
Someone it seemed like everyone else had.
Even if it was just a false imitation of a friendship,he needed to clear his conscience somehow. Solve his problems instead of just running away from them.
Was that so much to ask?
At night, all he had to go off of to comfort him was that maybe there was someone who cared.
He just had yet to meet them.
”Fuck… I hate this…” he muttered to himself as he finished locking up for the night, then went to bed and drifted off to sleep.
As he slept, he dreamt that he was watching himself at their favorite meeting spot, a hill in the park with a nice oak tree for shade on it, once again a child with Hima, talking. Unable to affect the surroundings, watching was all he could do.
It was the days where he had someone that cared for him out of the pure kindness of their heart (or was that just how he wanted to remember her?).
It was what still gave him hope that maybe one day he would meet someone who cared.
What could happen once could happen twice, right?
As he observed the scene, he thought to himself, wondering if Himawari was still watching over him in heaven.
If she was, was she smiling, or was she crying for him?
He also couldn't help feel jealous for his younger self’s blissful happiness.
The next morning he woke up, and having received his allowance for yesterday's chores from his parents, left the house to enjoy himself before he started work on today's chores.
More than likely, it would be yet another, plain, ordinary day that wouldn't help his situation.
But he had little choice but to go forward no matter what on the path he was currently on.
After all…
He could not, at this moment, see a realistic, better path than the one was currently treading.
So he chose to stay on the road he was on, as at this point, the question wasn't so much as what he would gain from staying on that path.
It was what he would wind up losing as a result.
But that's not to say he had given up hope entirely of a better way than the one he had now.
But seeing as he could not see that way at the moment, and not wanting to chance the possibility of winding up on a worse path than the one he had now through reckless actions, he could only wait for a clear opportunity to do so. When that opportunity came, he would seize it with all his might.
But for now, all he could do was wait... and hope.
To him, she was Jeanne D’Arc, and he was Gilles De Rais.
For in the end, she had died young and left him alone by the hands of her fellow citizens. She had died selflessly for her ideals.
Though the exact circumstances were different, this is how he saw it.
Now what would he do?
Would he go mad like the original Gilles, or would he keep his sanity?
It is a question with an answer only time knows.
FIN.
Thu Sep 19, 2024 8:54 am by 
