Can't run from fate [Shun]

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

So, was it all? No laughing fit? No relaxed tension? No stumble upon the ground? How lame, seriously. He frowned, disappointed but honestly he expected a similar reaction or, more properly worded, a lack of one. It was Sharaku at all. You never know what he'll do or how he'll do it and dealing with such unpredictable person could be highly distressing in the long run. Though the lack of a laughing fit was not that unpredictable and in case the older was not the laughing person, perhaps the teen should have searched for another soft spots, but then that'd mean he'd have to run his hands through Sharaku's body until he found any sensitive areas. Was it safe and worth it, he wondered? Besides, Shun, as naughty and mischievous, had a degree of modesty that prevented him from doing anything that bold, let alone to someone he actually despised and he wouldn't go that far just to see said person in a shameful situation. — Well then. Not as amusing as I thought this would be. Boring but that's to be expected. — He said in an unimpressed tone, bringing his hands back to the chains from his swing seat, returning to the slow motion that matched very well his current reflexive state. It was getting quite late and dark the more he spent time in the park, which was fine. Penecia was not a dangerous place, at all. Unless that changed in the past two years, he could afford spending more time outside... However, not like he have many reasons to be out save for "I don't want to be home now". — Hm...

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Wed Feb 17, 2016 8:09 pm

'Boring'? So, what exactly did Shun want to have happen here? That he would have killed himself or something? For a moment, Sharaku would opt to not respond, as he kept lying there with his eyes closed. He needed to think first. Think about how to handle this. As much as he was better at keeping calm and peaceful nowadays, it was just so hard after having amounts of disrespect thrown towards him continuously. He didn't believe Shun was a bad person. That would not change. It was the behavior the younger was exhibiting that was a problem. He couldn't keep going at this if he was even risking his own wellbeing here, like he had moments ago. And it made him sad. What was the point of this? By being this hateful towards his environment, the younger was just making it worse for himself. No one would keep taking this kind of vibe forever. Did Shun want to end up truly alone, and more miserable than ever? He didn't understand. Not anymore. He could understand a certain level of bitterness stemming from hurt and held back feelings. But this? Basically even deriving amusement from the idea of hurting someone? That's not even healthy anymore. Not that it was at a lesser level either.

If he could, he would also be amused by this. The two of them were such opposites nowadays. Well, in concept. Shun was aiming to be the master of hiding his real feelings. While he...well, was actually acting out much more than he ever used to before. It was really hard for him to keep cool even now, but getting vexed would not help. ''What is it that you even seek? Do you actually want to harm me? Is that the kind of amusement you wish for?'' His questions were piercing enough, but not spoken in a negative tone still. He wanted to know. Because if so, then Shun had fallen pretty badly.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

Shun didn't answer, at least not immediately nor verbally. He did have the proper answers in mind, however. And no, he didn't mean to harm Sharaku, but he couldn't deny that seeing him stumble and fall would actually be hilarious at first place. The sort of amusement, as Sharaku said it, that a child seeks without thinking twice on the potential implications of going further with that. As for the "amusement" itself...he didn't seek any. In fact, he was at the park for many reasons that did not include getting someone else hurt, scratched or bruised. He wasn't an evil, sadistic person after all. — The real question should be what is it that you seek. Enough of inquiring about my life. — He kept his gaze focused somewhere else, not fond of any more questionnaire he deemed unnecessary and meddlesome. He was never the kind to speak about his life anyway, and now, to this person in particular, it wouldn't be different. Not as much as he used to be when he actually lived in Azores. Sharaku could think it was a personal vendetta, but it would be a shallow statement. Overall, his tone was different. Indifferent, cold...He was not finding this interaction entertaining anymore, if he ever considered it as so, but there was definitely something in the way he spoke that wasn't there two years ago.

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Wed Feb 17, 2016 9:38 pm

Well then. He could technically work with that, as much as he would love to have his own questions answered as well. He had nothing to hide. In fact, he would have thought that the answer to that was fairly clear. He was not even trying to be mysterious or hard to read right now. He hasn't really done that during this entire conversation. And yet, Shun had to actually ask. The younger wasn't all that good at reading people, was he? Because the answer to the posed question was really simple, and perhaps even too obvious. Sharaku would blink up at the sky a few times, before sitting up. Egh, his muscles were already complaining. This wasn't about to be a pleasant night. The things he did. Funnily enough, wasn't that what he said to himself just a while before Shun wandered over...?

''Does it make you uncomfortable? The questions were fairly simple. Do you feel the need to hide even things like that?'', he would retort casually, blowing a few of his purple bangs away from his face. Only afterwards would he address what Shun asked him. He wasn't in a hurry, and besides the younger ignored his questions a moment ago anyway. ''As for my own answer. It's really straightforward. I seek to understand.'', he would say, leaving it at that. Shun ought to be smart enough to catch up. It was as easy as that. He just wanted to know. To know why, what and all that. Wasn't that what he always did in a sense? He sought meaning in most things, people he knew included. It wasn't for a bad cause though.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

If it did make him uncomfortable? Yes, it did, to a high degree. He didn't feel at ease at Sharaku's company not only due to a troubling past he had come in terms with and decided it was probably for the best to forget, but because...it felt strange. To Shunnosuke it worked quite simple: you lose contact with someone, you lose a lot. You lose intimacy, and after quite sometime...it becomes even more obvious that you and this person become strangers to each other simply because people change. If they don't in the time frame of two years, then there's something seriously wrong with both. Maybe if Shunnosuke remained the same he wouldn't find this meeting completely awkward and inappropriate, but...he didn't. — What you describe as "feeling the need to hide things", I call "not feeling the obligation to explain them to anyone". I don't have to, and therefore I don't. — "Unless I want to", he should add, then he can completely avert his own rules at his own will. Ironically, he ended up explaining himself quite a bit in this simple and logical sentence. He frowned again, the inexpressive and calm tone becoming a habit, while his gaze again lowered to his own shoes. There were a few words ringing in his mind, however. Maybe harsh words, he had keeping inside. — You implied you want to understand something about me and help me, and thus you asked what I want. Let's start there: I want you to not act so prepotent as to say I'm destroying my life, I want you to not say how I'm drowning myself in negativity, searching someone to blame and other verbiage cliché you probably have read in a novel somewhere. I want you to stop acting like the therapist you've never become and the friend you could never be and act normal. Do you know why? Because you are unaware of nearly everything about me, unaware of what exactly I've been through in my recent life to make assumptions like that, because going around to a person you have no intimacy whatsoever, acting high-and-mighty as if you have enough nearness to them to make up some hypothesis about what you think is right hardly would work. Not if this person is me. You've just met me by total matter of misfortune and I don't feel like confiding anything, for I'm not a damsel in distress longing for help. Not like this, not in this place, not at this time, not to you. Respect that and change the topic if you look for this to keep up, will you? — For once, his tone wasn't what could be considered as severe and austere, Sharaku as an easy "reader of people" could identify that. He would sound more in the lines of a mellow, definitely melancholic person who was tired, consumed and sad. Shunnosuke wasn't completely opposed to a dialogue, he simply didn't want to enter a deep argument either. The thing is, even if the teen was alright with talking, he had his limits and his tolerance dropped considerably moments ago when Sharaku gave what can easily be interpreted as his big moral lesson. He should know by now that Shun wouldn't take it lightly people trying to command him and tell him how to act, no matter how much Sharaku thinks he's doing it for benevolent reasons. The cold breeze blowing by that hour only made it more...unsettling. The boy didn't want to express weakness, but damn, he started rubbing both his arms in an attempt to control his body temperature and counter the outside weather. He definitely should have brought a thicker coat.

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Thu Feb 18, 2016 8:32 am

This was just ridiculous. In many ways. And frankly, Sharaku never really likes this type of 'rule setting'. I don't have to do this and that cause I don't feel obligated to. But you should feel like being this and not being that because I want you to act a certain way so I can feel okay, otherwise you can go to hell. If he protested against that, he would definitely get more disdain his way. Yet, Shun felt like saying 'I'm not gonna' and have it be the end of story was totally fair in return. In a different situation, and perhaps in a setting where people could work out their differences without the push and pull being a problem even when it sort of came up...maybe it could pass. Because it most likely wouldn't even get mentioned to begin with and just solved naturally. But here? It's already bad when someone attempts to directly address it and impose some regulations based on themselves. He had not tried to condition Shun into answering his queries. He simply asked them. He could have worked with getting a good explanation why not. He was capable of accepting a sound reasoning when it came down to it. Nor did he really make anything definite by saying he wants to understand. That was as vague as it can get. But Shun just had to go out there and detail exactly how he should act and all that. That's a rather different level of 'I want something from you'. Who was really attempting to command the other person there in the end? Perhaps it wasn't truly intentional. But he noted long ago that Shun had the tendency to do exactly what he would not want others to do to him. He would surely get crap for it if he ever tried to directly tell Shun what to act like in this manner.

The problem? He had no idea how to balance this out at all. Because no matter what he said, it would either breach Shun's lovely rules, or mean that he would have to go against himself and lie. He was certainly not a big war instigator, but he also refused to be tied down to acting like he was not himself. Going that far would mean it is indeed pointless, because if he was to be a person he was not...then this relationship was moot, perhaps even as acquaintances. Of course, he couldn't deny he was guilty of pretending slightly in the past himself, but he was probably not the only one. Everyone does so at times. Once it gets out of hand, however, it is a big problem. And it is different to pretend out of your own choice, and pretend just to make someone feel 'happier' about themselves, because they force you to if you want to keep things from falling apart.

...he probably couldn't do this. For a short while, he could maybe pass if he tried hard. But being the kind of person he was, and his state of mind included...it was just impossible. He would eventually either blow up or do something irrational out of stress or frustration. He was not capable of coexisting properly with someone who would aim to stifle him down for their own benefit. Even though he could understand Shun's pain. But for as long as Shun was determined to just keep it in and let it brew like this, it would not work. Still, he would not run from this current convo. He'd see it through to the very end. But it also may mean a real end until the younger learns how to let go and see what is really around him, not what he wants and wishes to see through his hurt-painted glassess. Had this been completely intentional and on purpose, he would have made a line already, and just never attempted anything with the younger anymore. For the better of it. He was just hesitant because he knew it wasn't only that...

Back in current reality, he would just sigh softly and shake his head. ''That is not how it works. You refuse to give me anything under the saying you aren't obligated to. And yet, impose rules on me that I can't really say no against if I don't want to get more disdain from you.'', he would look at the younger somewhat sadly. ''I only have one thing to say. I cannot. If this is what you wish, then it is pointless. You tell me to act normal, but have you ever considered what is normal for me? Maybe it's this. Maybe I don't want to pretend to be someone else just so you can protect your feelings even more. Maybe you should stop trying to reject everything around you that doesn't fit your expectations and actually look at what is. Or perhaps you need to accept yourself first, before you can accept others.'' It did feel like the younger was having problems dealing with his own state in all honesty. And was just trying to keep it together. It's easier to try and stifle down anything that is poking at your defense barriers, is it not? ''Regardless. My answer is that this is not what I can do. Be hurt, sad, uspet, mad, dejected or whatever you want to feel all you want. You need to face yourself anyway. Just like you preach, I will not do or become something I am not obligated to simply because someone has high demands of their acquaintances. Not unless it is a choice I make myself.'' He didn't really enjoy doing this, but it had to be said. In any case, he would remain sitting as he was, his gaze upturned towards the sky for the moment.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

He expected that kind of stubborn comeback. Oh well. Why was he there yet? He could very well stand up and return home anytime, specially with the cold getting aggravated and forcing the teenager to rub his arms a bit faster. It was apparently hard to get on Sharaku's thick skull and make him realize that Shunnosuke simply had his own right to keep things for himself. At least for now. He wasn't completely opposed to discuss his issues with people, however there are conditions for that to happen. One being that he must be up for that, and there are ways to dance around him and convince him to open the door. Among these ways, being stubborn and obstinate into extracting confessions at pressure is definitely not the right way to do. The other reason? — I don't know what's normal for you. I don't know you at all and I never did... — That's what he felt as true. In the end, he didn't feel like he knew this person sat by his side at all. One could say he had trouble trusting people and opening up, and he'd beg to differ. To Shun, it's just a matter of building up a relationship first before telling intimate things about yourself. He honestly didn't like to give shots in the dark and make reckless moves in his personal relations. And it's been a long time since they last met, he simply wasn't comfortable with coming to a person he could consider as a stranger (regardless of what happened prior to them) and act like this is an enforced therapy session. That won't change. Not with constant insistence from outside, that would just repel him even more. Only Shunnosuke would be able to avert that, and that will happen at his own time. Meanwhile, he sighed, looking at his own interlocked hands he momentarily placed in his lap. — I wonder what did I do to deserve this... You need to learn how to take no for an answer. I was never fond of meddlesome insistence and I still am not. — He said calmly and nonchalantly before lifting his face to the side opposite to where Sharaku is, as if he was checking the streets. He honestly didn't know how to handle such sudden and unwanted interest in his life. It was funny, in the sense that in other times he'd simply act arrogantly like a spoiled brat. It could be an accomplishment, perhaps? — Penecia hasn't changed much, has it? The neighborhood remains the same in my eyes. Hm... — Thoughtful for a bit, he remembered them. His former team mates. He has not seen them or had any notice since ages. Then again, he was never fond of those people, save for perhaps Sharaku and Hyde. And well, he has not succeeded with either. Should the older answer or not, he'd keep talking even if it was a monologue. — Have you seen Naomi or Sentinel around..?

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Thu Feb 18, 2016 3:15 pm

Hmmpf. Well, he needed a bit to think about how to respond to that. It was always the worst when he opened his mouth before processing what his mind was trying to throw out. He only complicated things for himself when he did that, unless he was conversing with a person who could follow such word soup, really. And Shun wasn't a good example of that. He really needed to be careful with how he phrased himself when talking to the younger. He knew that much, but it was hard to keep his words in check all the time. And sometimes he failed even when he tried. Speaking of responses....what to say here. He couldn't concur that. It was true that Shun did not know him very well. Certain basic information is not the same as actually knowing a person for who they truly are. Hm. Well, at least the younger wasn't jumping him seriously, so keeping the talk was possible for now.

''I suppose that's true. We don't really know each other that well. I know it's my fault as well, and I'd say sorry but it probably doesn't matter to you at this point. Apologies are hard to take seriously when they are just a couple of words...'' Afterall, what did sorry really mean? It was a bunch of letters, and it was not really a failsafe for anything, unless the other side actually wanted to forgive you. Then again, it was a courtesy to say it, whether it actually had a chance or not. He couldn't really do much more, since he would get pushed away for trying. That much was certain. He had been aware of the difficulty this whole time. It was just that this was how he did things. He didn't really know how to stand against it differently. Yeah, Shun didn't like insistent meddling...but, what could he do? The opposite? If he stayed silent and complied to Shun's initial shoo vibes, he would have accomplished even less. He could hardly see a road that had a higher chance of winning here. At the very least, he was giving it a try. ''I know...I don't like to give up on people. Perhaps it's a flaw of mine. But if I gave in right away, we wouldn't even be talking, would we? Maybe insistence can be negative in some cases, but at least I'm trying to do something? It's better than sitting on my butt and giving you the proverbial finger, I think. We all have our own bad habits. Perhaps you should work on approaching people in a less scatching way? People respond to what they are given. You were talking down my person from the moment I addressed you, and you know well you could have hurt me by making me fall down. I could be really mad at you now, and so could anyone if you take such a stand towards them. You don't have to take my advice though. It's just me and my rambling...'', he would trail off, attempting to stand up, which he would do with a light wince. ''Egh...'' Yes, his back was definitely expressing the need to be sore. The ground hated him. This should be shortlived though. He hasn't caused himself any serious injuries. It was just a rough landing, so to say.

He would blink at Shun's sudden change to musings. Well, he could go with that. For now, he wouldn't try pushing anymore, unless provoked. ''Mm, the islands are mostly the same, I'd think. Two years is probably not enough for a major change...'' Well, generally speaking. It could be, but Azores wasn't some high tech place where people pushed for fast improvement and whatnot. And...Sentinel and Naomi? He would sigh lightly. Speaking about old comrades knew how to get him into a sad laced mood. ''I ran into Alphonse just days ago...but it was very brief. He was busy watching a circus show with Maria. Other than that...no. I haven't kept contact with anyone I used to know for the entire two years. I haven't seen Naomi forever, to be honest.'' Naomi was an enigma. The last time he saw and spoke with her was even a good deal of time before the fight with Nesoi in the past. That was a long time indeed, even though she used to be one of the closest to him out of anyone he knew.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

Alright, that wasn't what he was hoping to hear, and for a moment Shunnosuke lifted his face a bit, as if he was about to take a close look at Sharaku's face to listen better what he said. After, it's not everything he actually caught the man actually admitting he had done wrong, which could be sort of refreshing. After so many past experiences, Shunnosuke knew by now that trying to argue with him was fruitless, and whenever he did for the other part would simply dismiss his attempts and deem the younger as wrong, regardless of what exactly was being told and how exactly he said so. In a way, hearing one apologize could be nice; in the other way...it didn't really do much up to this point. — You're right. Words don't matter, not now when actions cannot be reverted. What's done is done. — He said coldly, shrugging it off and gazing forward. His sight was sort of uneasy, shifting from angle to angle. On the other hand, at this point he was barely concerned about an apology or what exactly Sharaku had to apologize for. Sure the young one had an extensive list of things that had rubbed him the wrong way, but...he knew that his own answer could very well work as a self-advice. Not in this specific situation, but in regards to someone else. Another person to whom he failed to do exactly the same... Hm, thinking about this person got him far, so far...and equally so depressive...

Everything else he heard from Sharaku was just a blurry mess of words while he was thinking to himself, stuck in the previous topic which, inside, led him to another one that's similar yet not so much. He listened, of course. But he didn't pay attention, at least not right away. The thoughts occupied his mind took tad long to be cast away and enable Shunnosuke to pay a bit of attention to the extensive speech, precisely the answer to his question in regards to Naomi and Sentinel. He didn't miss both, but...was it odd that he was curious about them? Whether he wanted or not, they were crucial for what happened during the course of one year in the past. And they had to do it together. A weird bond he forged, but a bond nonetheless. Now that everyone was separated in their own paths, Shunnosuke couldn't help but feel...lonely, maybe? Nostalgic? — So, in the end, everyone parted their ways... Figured that would happen once everything was over. — He had to admit, that was not a harsh outcome at all. As in, they barely got along. Could they even be called a team, giving how dysfunctional they were? Not even those from the group who were quite good friends stuck together...

Hm, as for everything else, he had taken a silent time to ponder over everything. And maybe, maybe he could acknowledge that purposely trying to make Sharaku fall was not a merely innocent prick, but something that could hurt him severely. The outcome would not be satisfactory, regardless of his initial enthusiasm to see if Sharaku would react to tickling. That aside, he didn't feel like the advice was valid. He wasn't really impolite to people. Frank and unreserved, maybe, but not impolite most of the time. With the older....well, it was different. — If we are exchanging advice here, then allow me to say you'd have better success maintaining this "gentle guy who's always concerned about others" façade if you work on your approach because, the way you do it, it's only making you seem creepy and obsessive. And besides...I don't believe you, that "I don't like to give up on people" speech, when that's exactly what you've done before. You've given up on me... — He paused a bit, lifting his face so he could contemplate the dim lights from the street lamps. It lasted as brief as this pause, before he continued his line of thought. Oddly enough, it came down to this and as surprising as it may sound, he could say so with a straight face. Maybe he has grown a bit to not suffer anymore as if it was the end of the world. Maybe he considered now a heartbreak as a trivial occurrence, maybe he just had too much on his plate now to even worry about something that happened two years prior, who knows? The memories of how miserable he was back then sort of made a small smile bloom in his lips. They say you know you've grown when you laugh and smile at things that otherwise would only make you cry, isn't it? — Nonetheless, it's not even entertaining to see you try hard as if this is really important to you. That and, as far as I recall, you've given up on your family as well. Why aren't you as obstinate to search for them, is what I wonder... Feel free to fill me in. — Now, that made him curious enough to shift back to Sharaku...not completely. Just through the corner of his eyes. Perhaps his parents wouldn't be as satisfied when they see what their son has become, or perhaps they'd be just as happy to see he's alive for once. Sharaku didn't mention his family much, that was a fact. So maybe now they could have a decent conversation without it actually revolving around trying to make Shun talk of things he doesn't want to talk about.

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Thu Feb 18, 2016 10:22 pm

Yes, partially. On the other hand, words are also the means of communication everyone uses all the time. If they do not matter, what does? It would imply every conversation is just a fake in its own way. As for the actions. Hm. ''Perhaps. And perhaps not. No one can undo the past. But people learn from mistakes. What is done is done, but should we let something that is long over influence a big part of what we do today...? Everyone does foolish things at some point in their life. If nothing can be redeemed, then perhaps living a long life is a actually a curse...'', he would laugh under his breath slightly, almost as if he were talking more to himself than the younger. If he were to look down on every person that had ever wronged him somehow, the list would be pretty long. It's natural that you will offend someone at least once, because everyone is so different...

Hmm, yes. They had. It wasn't entirely unexpected. A lot of people worked together only out of necessity back then. ''It seems so. I do not know if they kept some contact between each other, however. I think it was the circumstance. Many people got pulled together simply because of the crisis and there was nothing binding them together after it ended.'' Building a relationship solely on the basis of needing to save the world together, with other things only as a topping was likely to be shaky. And crumble easily once there was no big reason to group together, to plan for the next move. Nothing. Only then would one find out that there is actually little to talk about with some people you thought you knew.

He would shift in his spot somewhat awkwardly at the bout of advice. Shun wasn't entirely wrong to say that. But not completely right either. These things...really came down to individual perspective in the end. And well, in strained situations, everyone is prone on seeing mostly their own side of the issue. That was the biggest flaw in general when people got locked in disagreements. He would hum half-heartedly. ''That one isn't really a facade...but, I won't deny I'm not always the best at approaching others. And maybe it's because I always found it hard with you. Why, I do not know. Yet, you were always one of the people for whom I had the most issues with figuring out the right things to say.'' He really had no specific reason there. It could have been because of the nature of their relationship from the beginning, and the way it developed. Or perhaps their differences at play. The two of them seemed to think in different ways, and want different things. Finding a way to connect easily was...well, not easy. The bigger issue here was the latter part of Shun's admission, however. He felt like he ought to address that, since it was already brought up. The influence it'd have on this conversation was largely unknown though....

''It's a little...different. It isn't that I gave up on you specifically...'', he would grumble slightly, moving a bit closer to the younger. ''Whether it matters or not. Or whether you'd choose to believe me or not. I'll tell you why I've done what I've done. Since you already brought the matter up...'' It might not change anything, but explaining is the least he could do. As awkward as it was to deal with those matters now. Knowing is always better. As for what you make of it, is your own choice. ''...you might have been aware of that already. But truth is, I never had the kind of feelings you had for me. At the beginning, I thought that maybe it would just take time, since it was quite sudden, with the way you pulled it into the open that time at the club. So, I chose to go along and give it a try. But...nothing changed as time went. I liked you just fine, but as more of a friend, than an actual date. I could have stopped it then, and maybe I should have to save both of us the necessary struggle. I was foolish for what I've done. I could tell that at that point, you would have taken it badly. That you would be upset had I broke it off. So I hesitated. And did nothing, for I did not wish to hurt you. It was a mistake to think I could do something to make both of us happy, however. I know that now. You started demanding things of me, and I didn't know what to really do. It was stressing for both of us. Nothing I tried was working anymore, and I was just getting frustrated with it all. I knew that no matter what I did at that point, it would not end well. For you, or me.'', he would close his eyes sadly. ''And you know what happened in the end. I just couldn't take the stressing anymore, so I kind of blew up. That only made it worse, and it is also why it seemed like I didn't care at all. It wasn't that I wanted to give up on you. A better wording would be that I was giving up on the kind of relationship you were wishing for. I knew it could not work. I took too long to realize that it was better off to let go, instead of dancing around and trying to find a way where no one would get hurt by it. That was my fault. I could have done it differently, but it would still have hurt you in the end. That's how it always is with dating and its fails...but I've come to the conclusion that chewing through hurt for a while is still better than reaching for the nigh impossible forever. Neither of us could be happy that way....'' Not to say that they were now but...they could always look for a new start. All it took was keeping your eyes open, right...? That is something you can't do when you're tied down with a relationship that is bound to fail. It may have ended on a bitter note, but he didn't really mean it. It had been too much on him, and well...the two of them...they had both been immature about it in their own way. He could admit that now. Was it too late? Maybe. But late is better than never. ''I know it changes nothing, as you said. What happened, happened. But I still thought you should at least know. Afterall, you never know when is the last chance you get to say something....''

As for the topic of his parents. He wasn't sure why that came up. True, he had not chosen to go back but...was that the same in any way? ''I...I thought it was better that way. I was never very close to them to begin with. My mother only cared about whether I got school done well, and such. And my father spent too much time at work. It wasn't the best there is. I often felt alone even when at home.'' There was no use lying about that. ''...I was gone for 6 to 7 years before I was even capable of trying to go back. They must have thought I was dead by that point. It would just have been more of a shock...and well, I was different. I was nothing like who I used to be. I might as well have been a different person. Both appearance-wise, as well as character-wise. I think...that in the end, it would not be a good outcome. I chose to take a new path instead of trying to open old wounds, because I thought it would ultimately be for the better...'' And he had also been an adult by that point. There was no place for him with his parents anymore. Had he searched and found them, he would end up leaving soon after anyway. For he was not a kid anymore. He had his own life to look after...

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

— Living can be a curse without it being long, anyway. — A depressive outcome? Maybe. But sometimes, that's the feeling he had about life. It wasn't needed for it to be long, it mostly depended on the amount of disappointing experiences one had, regardless of how short or long is the time span.

...he totally forgot the topic about Naomi and Sentinel. Well, he could understand being perceived as not the easiest person to handle. He always had high standards on most matters and people didn't always take it lightly. Not often, he could be classified as a "cocky" person due to this, and his overall attitude. Shunnosuke was well aware of that and it never bothered him much. As a person whose family is constantly under scrutiny, he learned how to handle gossip and judgments upon himself in a rather elegant manner: not paying mind to them. When it comes from someone you hold dear, however, this takes a slight turn of events.

— ... — He listened. And listened. And while he was avoiding glance directly at Sharaku, this was one time when you drawn yourself to do something unconsciously, led by circumstances you couldn't help. He wondered if, when he recovered from the numb sensation of the lecture, he should say that yes, it didn't matter. It's been so long and the feelings related had sunk already, there was no use digging it further. Or if he should offer a kind "that's okay" type of response, if he should shrug. He honestly didn't know and the more he looked to the seemingly sad face of Sharaku, the more silent Shunnosuke would remain. The cold didn't seem to bother his body anymore, to the point his brain forgot to make him shiver.

Once he stayed quiet for a bit, letting it sinking in, perhaps he could keep the conversation going. Most of what was said was, in reality, related to something he'd rather not talk about but, well, who was he to blame but himself? He did drop the hint, that's true. but not in a way that favored introducing a topic he would prefer to avoid if possible. Well, turns out it wasn't possible and here they were. Okay, time to get a few things that were buried deep down out of your chest. It was never easy but perhaps it was needed. — That explains why you have conveniently forgotten my birthday, why you didn't let me stay at your house for one single night and your unpleasant behavior at the cloth store that time, or even the meeting at the lunch store. How mature is that. You don't know how to handle a situation for two and what is the most adult thing to do? Repel someone away completely instead of a frank, direct heart-to-heart talk about the issue. The odd thing about you saying that I was "demanding things from you" is that... everything I asked for...was attention. A bit of your time, also, some support even. I never demanded to be loved back...I never requested anything fancy enough that endorses so and yet...you struggled with the basics, too absorbed in your own perception, making even a meeting at a cloth store seem like an obligation, making a simple sleepover sound dangerous. Now that I recall it back then...you seriously were more concerned that my family would get back at you in case I stayed for, and that does say more about you than it does about myself. More than what I previously knew, I dare say, and I'm one hundred percent sure that if you at least cared a tiny bit as a friend would do, as you claim to be able to, all these things would seem trivial enough for hesitation rather than something to ponder over carefully. Yet they didn't to you... And this is why I cannot trust any word from you saying otherwise. — He narrowed his gaze towards the other, perhaps in a more emotive and fierce manner than he intended to. To someone who had been keeping it cool, at least in his voice tone, during the course of this conversation, one could say he betrayed himself. — If you think that I'd cry you a river because of a pathetic rejection, if you think that everything is all about that, then not only you haven't paid any attention to what I have told you years before, but you underestimated me enough. I'm not really surprised, in fact, that you're one of the people who believes I'd take a "no" with such misery. Disappointed, maybe, with your "side" of the story, but surprised? Not the slightest. After all, I've always noticed how your opinion was not the most pleasant, regardless of these sugarcoating words "I like you just fine". The signs were there since the beginning and I was naive enough to let myself be carried away by some infatuation. Then again, you weren't the first, and you won't be the last. — It was true that he was used to common misconceptions about the Kurosawas, and about himself. Although, it was never easy to accept from someone you hold to high regards.

The severity from his glance, somehow, reduced considerably once Sharaku mentioned something in regards to "last chance". That's...one thing he didn't want to hear now and one thing that brought back to his mind the thought of someone he used to know. Way to bring his mood down, lower than it already was. — ...Some things are better off not said. — That's all he uttered before holding onto the swing chains again, as if he was about to regain movement....which he didn't. He wasn't in the mood to force his legs into swinging the seat. Why did he have to remember that...?

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Fri Feb 19, 2016 6:56 am

''Hm? Maybe. But in most cases, it's one's own fault anyway There's always a way to make things better....'' Perhaps starting with not being so negative about everything that can be taken in a negative way. Everything appears bleak when you don't even consider looking at it in a different way. Yes, some things can hurt you badly, and affect you greatly. Yet, most people have the capability to pull back up. They have to actually decide to want to, of course. If you're okay keeping your misery as is, than that's kind of your own problem. No need to keep spreading it to others by being a constant downer though. Often, people can tell, and will eventually avoid you, even if only subconsciously once they realize you aren't willing to even properly try. Whether it's only around them or not. He had that issue before to a degree.

He would flinch slightly at Shun's words. Of course. The easiest thing to do is look at every little bit and make it as negative as can be, because that's what you wish to believe it was. As if it's really only the other's blame when you aren't getting some of your desired affection. There can be plenty reasons for that, and perhaps it simply wasn't meant to be. Frankly? One of the reasons why, was the way the younger reacted. The accusations about excuses and Shun's outbursts and even emotionally hurtful behavior towards him when he didn't perform as well as the guy would have liked...kind of killed his mood to try even more. He didn't have the heart to anymore, as much as he tried to will himself to it. Bet the younger didn't realize that by being so dramatical about it, he only made it worse. 'Heart-to-heart' talk you say. How much did Shun hide from him? Mr. Bright didn't even want to tell him he wasn't liking something or had a problem until it was at the point of blowing up. Someone's surely been following their own advice, really. And now putting it out of proportion. A lot of the things said were just taken way too personally by the younger, but he wasn't about to explain anymore. The only thing Shun could know hundred percent is what he truly knew. Not what he assumed he knew. Truth was, that it wasn't really about who had done more wrong in the end. It was the simple fact that there was only one thing behind all these words. Shun did not want to trust him. It didn't really matter what was said. He was determined not to, and that's that. Was he supposed to just take dismissals for even trying? Nah, he wouldn't stoop as low as that. He tried allright, but he wasn't going to cut himself into pieces for someone who refuses to acknowledge even a honest try. Instead, they try to turn it around. And he knew nothing he would say would really get through, so it was pointless in its own way. He said what he wanted to. At the very least, he did his part. He was okay with that. He was past being immature about it all and trying to one up Shun in return like it even mattered.

Instead, he would adopt a more nonchalant air towards it. He would at least answer to it, for he wasn't rude enough to grace the younger with pure silence. ''Too bad? I could try to explain, or say how you're mistaken on several points of that, for there's a reason behind every action someone takes, but I know by now that it's a pointless discussion. It isn't that you cannot trust me by any means. It's simply that you don't WANT to even attempt doing so. And nothing I do will change what you think. Only you can. Thus, you are free to interpret things as you will. I'm not going to fight back just for the sake of it. No more of that. Bickering about it is not an adult thing to do either, I guess. I'm fine with having said what I wanted to. If you feel the need to justify further as to why you can't consider trusting me, you can waste your time on that on your own. I don't really need to hear it repeatedly. I have feelings too, and I'm not going to let you go and bring me down to your level of sadness and whatnot. I think you've done enough of that already, even when I try to be helpful in some way. Or even when I just attempt casual conversation.'' He wasn't going to drown in Shun's issues with the younger. He had better things to do with his life, really. He'd extend a hand when someone is ready to take it, but he was past going to the point of ruining himself due to trying when he shouldn't like he used to.

He would feel bad for anyone that happens to wrong the younger in the future though. 'You weren't the first, and won't be the last'. That's rather demeaning to say. Made him wonder if any of Shun's future dates would actually get to see this side of the young man, and how would they feel about it. As for them? Infatuation it was indeed. He believed that Shun never truly loved him in a sense of what love actually is. Claiming to love as soon as the guy did only showed that he was mistaking his 'attraction' for more than it really was. Being so easily thrown off and turned into a slight drama queen over a lack of attention only points to that. Of course, it is an issue...and it ought to get solved for a relationship to stay healthy. Yet, when you love someone, you also learn how to approach things through real communication. Plus, it isn't all about complaining about someone's flaws and negative traits. When you truly love someone, you love both their good and their bad. You like them as the person they are, not only parts of them you fancy. As long as they aren't a completely bad person in general. The ideal soulmate is a very nice thing to dream of... but it's pretty much impossible to meet and date someone who will meet your every want, who will always live up to your standards just fine. People slip up. They do things wrong. But a couple that realizes what love is knows how to balance that when possible. Polemizing over what all is not right each time is not really the most sound approach...

''Mm, let's not talk at all then? I am sorry if I keep unintentionally upsetting you, but I hardly know which words are taboo for you, regardless of how much I can pick up on without being told.'' What was the problem again? This was honestly beyond tiring now. But fine. Shun couldn't really give him crap for saying something off, when he had no way of knowing he is not supposed to say something. And he was starting to get frustrated again. Which was not good. He wasn't able to keep a cool face for as long as the younger. Nor did he honestly want to. Swallowing feelings down is a killer.

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

Well, he could see the received reaction coming. The younger never truly expected his words to evoke some reflection, but he said his piece anyway. It had to be said, hasn't it? It was good for him to let it out of his chest and have this sort of talk without being submissive, without trying to earn someone else's affection like in the past. Speaking your own mind brings up a real feeling of freedom. — As usual, there's always some explanation I missed culminating in my perceptions being mistaken. What else is new... — He smiled weakly and absentmindedly, closing his eyes a bit. He probably knew the explanations already, might as well save himself the trouble to hearing it again. "I didn't feel comfortable around you to allow such nearness", "I felt like you forced me to stay around". What else there is to it? He accepted that already. And strangely, this conversation bringing up the old feeling of inadequacy and "never being enough" didn't hurt so much as it used to. He had come to understand, in the last years, that regardless of his good-looking appearance, his charms, his upbringing and whatnot, that might not be enough. On the other hand, he had come to accept that he's not all to blame for many strives that happened in his life, not necessarily the whole tiresome issue with Sharaku, but his familiar troubling scenery as well. There are a few things he's still figuring out, but at his own time, he will.

— I'll write down a list for you, then, if this makes both our positions easier to each other. — He snickered. Taboo words, eh? There weren't any. It sounded ridiculous when Sharaku said it and he couldn't help but express a contemptuous mirth at his comment. Fazing him over something so little could be amusing at its own way. — Though, if it makes you feel better, I wasn't talking about you this time... — It was true and he couldn't help but let his mood go sour. There was a very specific situation to which what the younger said was aimed. Something he still has not gotten over. He didn't know if he could mention it to the older, as it's highly related to someone he didn't like at all, but...oh well.

— "Try to be helpful"... I know fairly well that "trying" is never enough and I was never a person to "try", I always aim to "succeed". Besides, what you name as "trying to be helpful", to me, sounds very much like "trying hard to poke into my affairs" when I have not voluntarily sought for assistance, and this is not being helpful, it's being intrusive and disrespectful to my personal space. If that's hard to understand, then allow me to just turn the tables a bit and transfer it to your sphere. You probably wouldn't appreciate if I kept going further with your troubled familiar background topic simply because I'm entitled to think I should help at all costs, when in fact you've made up your mind to let go and not search for them. What if I tell you that I have the resources to locate them in no time and arrange a meeting? Assuredly, it's far from a hard accomplishment, given how influential my family is and how an extensive network does all the tricks in this business. What if I tell you that by evaluating it as fruitless, according to all the reasons you mentioned, you're ignoring completely what your parents must have felt when you disappeared for years? You never heard their side of the story, but you think it's better the way things are now based on your one-sided perceptions. Have you ever thought that they might still have hopes in finding their son alive, or is it better to simply convince yourself they never fully cared? Have you ever thought that maybe you were all they had? Most importantly, would you truly let me assist? — Perhaps this is the part where he could talk from personal experience. It might sound weird coming from Shunnosuke, but he honestly did hold sympathy towards Sharaku's parents and it was a genuine concern this time. That's likely the maturity coming from empiricism. He once used to believed that his parents didn't care at all to him and he was merely a trophy or a punishment tool for someone else's mistakes. It turned out that, in the end, both did care at their own way, and the problem was far bigger than Shunnosuke himself. It was...circumstances. Sometimes, people simply have trouble expressing their feelings, sometimes parents weren't all prepared to be parents but they can learn over time. Maybe Sharaku's parents did learn how they loved their child once they lost him.

Subject: Re: Can't run from fate [Shun] Fri Feb 19, 2016 1:41 pm

Being a sort of hardass about it all. That's what's really new. What does Shun hope for by saying the stuff anyway? That's he'll sit down and just start nodding along like everything he's accused of is completely true and valid? It's really the same as when the younger states that he doesn't like his feelings evaluated and denies what is said afterall. The only real new thing is the fact is the problem of not wanting to accept your perceptions aren't fully correct. In the end, they never are. No one's. The best you can do is try to understand as much as is possible and adapt to what you learn. Perceiving things completely as they are only by your own view isn't really possible. ''Maybe the fact that one can never be fully correct just based on what they themselves think? I think we can both agree on that. I'm not saying you're wrong at everything, but you're certainly not fully right either. You can't really state you're one hundred percent sure on something that involves another person. No one is that simple...'' He would leave it at that though. He wasn't going to actually explain further based on the prompt, because it would just end in the same loop, most likely.

''No thanks, I think I'll live without it.'' And he was sure Shun wouldn't seriously do it. Not in a way that such a thing could be used later. Properly. So let's not. And he had enough dealing with attitude in verbal form. He didn't need a written reminder too, probably. ''Mm, I wasn't really thinking about who is behind it....'' He didn't know the guy's thought processes. It could have been anything, really.

At the following speech....well, he would just raise an eyebrow at first, taking a bit to process all that. What was really wrong with trying? Without trying, there is no success in the end. Thinking only about the success itself is a bit backwards. Or maybe just high-standard. As for turning tables? Did Shun think that was honestly going to work at this point? That he hadn't even thought of that kind of card being pulled? It's easy to turn things around, yes. But every person is different. It doesn't always work the same. And the issue wasn't the trying to be helpful part alone anyway. He had said that Shun was contemptuous even during normal talk and whatnot, so it was more of an attitude problem in the end, technically speaking. But the younger neglected to address that, choosing this one part only. He would play with a few strands of his hair absentmindedly. ''I may not be directly forthcoming by base, no. But mostly because of the way the matter was brought up to begin with. I can appreciate a genuine concern though, when it is one. Whether I actually like the idea or not. I won't turn my nose up on it, at least.'' Yeah, he didn't have to like an attempt to invade his space. That was valid. But that alone was no real reason to get defensive about it in a way that can easily hurt the other person. Maybe he had done that in the past. That much was true...but, it didn't solve anything to get puffed up about it. Unless the person is obviously just faking it. He wasn't really sure about Shun right now. It was indeed a result of an attempt to turn the tables on him, but he didn't know how much of it was just the want to poke holes in him. The younger did ask about his parents before without prompting afterall. Thus, he would give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this case, until he was able to tell. ''I...well. I'll admit it's odd for me to have someone express interest in something like this. I've never been the one to want to saddle others with my issues. It's...look, I know what I've done. Back then, I did really think it was the better choice for the moment. And I haven't given it serious consideration since then. It wasn't long after I landed here that the world started going to hell. Then I had other personal things to straighten out once it calmed down. I'll admit this was not something on my mind at all during the last few years, for many reasons. I can't deny that I hadn't tried to analyze their side of the story back then. I found it hard to relate anymore after 7 years. I didn't even think I'd be able to tell what they might see it all as. I'm sure they had changed during the years too afterall. All of us were different people at that point. I wasn't in the right mind to plan reunions...probably.'', he would frown softly, although his tone portrayed no contempt. Perhaps he was just thinking about some memories. ''I understand what you say. It is not an impossibility. I'm.. not sure how credible it would be in the end. I wouldn't go back even if I met them anymore. I live my own life now. Still...I suppose I would not back down were it to come up. I don't intend to ignore things.'' That would do him no good, would it? ''As for your last question...'', he would shrug lightly, ''Perhaps? Assuming you truly meant it, and aren't doing this all mostly to try and turn the whole point of the issue back on me in hopes of cornering me. I may not be extremely eager about the idea, coupled with the fact that we don't particularly seem to get along...which makes it very strange to accept help easily...but I'm not averse to it either.'' It was kind of 50/50 here. By choice, he would probably rather help from someone he was in a better position with when it came to personal matters like these, but he wouldn't dismiss it based solely on that. It was just the matter of preference here. Can't help how you feel in the end. Well, was this what Shun expected?

Posts : 1664 Join date : 2014-05-22

He'd just shrug. Really? He was being told he "can't" do something? Oh boy. The 100% comment was just a matter of fact, was it non-accurate? — Yes, I can. And I did. Besides...my statement was simply a fact grounded by a number of disastrous experiences and my perception that, mind you, is not blind. Feel free to rub it off as if I'm not true, though. — As for everything, he sported a rather satisfied look on his face. It wasn't a smile per se, but something that would walk to that road instead. He honestly wasn't in the mood to display anything that would qualify as a "smile" or "happy feeling".

— Reeeaaally...? — Now, it was his turn to shift to Sharaku and raise one eyebrow. — Do you seriously think I'd waste my precious money, time and effort searching for unrelated people I don't know and therefore don't care about simply because I want to get back at you? My, isn't that putting yourself in a high pedestal. I have way more on my plate than contriving ways to tone your ego down, be sure. — He wouldn't make a time-consuming offer like that if he wasn't truly willing to assist, and the mere insinuation would otherwise be enough to make Shun offended if he wasn't too assured of himself. He has done it before to other people, out of altruistic motives, simply because he knows he has the resources and the ability to achieve goals that otherwise seem unattainable to the majority. That's part of the benefit of being rich and influential, and now Shun's putting his social advantage to good use. He, however, didn't know why he made such proposal to Sharaku. Maybe yes, he did want to change the topic because being the focus on a conversation and having Sharaku acting like he's being stabbed all the time by his words was getting utterly annoying. However...there was something else too. Personal reasons for doing so. — The fact we, thank Gaga, don't match well doesn't prevent me from getting professional here. Years as a manager in training have taught me to not get personal vendettas get in the mix of what truly matters. And besides...I'm interested in seeing what mama and papa Rikei look like. — Can't help but be curious, can he? — Now, run that by me again. You did say it's very strange to accept offers of help from me, given the bigger picture, but gets all moped when it's the other way around? What a lack of logic.

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