Last Regrets [Naomi]

Hyde was depressed for a while, he was also silent.   He just didn’t do much of anything for the past few days after  his break up with Oki. He felt weak, he felt tired. All he did was lay around, he didn’t even eat much.  Though,   he felt like talking, talking to someone, anyone. It didn’t matter If they didn’t understood, he just wanted them to listen even if they didn’t care much. Naomi’s name popped in his head in a brief moment, he hasn’t contacted her in a while and  he had something to say to her. “….”

Hyde flipped open his phone and started writing. He just kept writing all of his feelings out, everything he was experiencing, and why it involved naomi in some way shape, or form in the first place. Afterwards, hyde just laid there….

Hey Naomi, how are you doing?  I have something to say to you, something I always wanted to say to you. Besides the words sorry, I was originally jealous of you. I was jealous of what you had with Sora, something that seems so apparent but so hard to grasp. Something other than friendship,  something that was closer to your heart than most, precious and irreplaceable, forever leaving its mark. Those feelings, I never experienced that, ever.  Those feelings made a shadow of I’m, and the regrets that you harbored due to his departure, the things you  never got to say to him, the things you never got to do with him. I was so stupid, punching away, simply regarding it as  nothing but  battle, but it was more than that, he was more then that to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand, I was unable to, I didn’t harbor the ability to.

Maybe you don’t care but, I did find someone. I found someone that made me feel the same way about them that you felt about Sora. It was a jealously well deserved, because the feeling was amazing, it was precious, you didn’t want to share it with anyone else.  It made you warm,  it was a new piece of you that was added on to make you whole. After experiencing such a bond,  you would rather it grow than lose it at all. Though, I lost it. I lost her, she dumped me,  she ……… she’s just gone now. I never experienced so much pain before in my entire life.  Is this the risk that we take for loving someone?  Did you feel this way? I don’t know why I couldn’t understand you, and I hate myself for it.

You… you’re stronger than me naomi.  Without a reason of why he left, you still maintained hope in your heart that he will come back to you.  I know the reason why she left, does it make it hurt any less?  You harbored this pain,  and….. I can’t…. I don’t know what to do. Beforehand, I found out that my shadow popped up, with this added to the pain in my heart,  if I don’t fight it now, its going to to kill me. I just know it,  I know it….. and I have to do it alone….
But…. Before I do…. I wanted to talk to you one last time… I wanted to tell you that I understand now…. And I can’t stop crying…. I can honestly say that I know how you felt then,   and if you still feel something now… I know it… all too well… I couldn’t make it up to you….i caused you so much trouble…. Endangered your friend…. And I don’t even know if you care about reading this. You don’t have to even talk back to me or reply to this if you don’t want to…..  but before leaving to face myself…. If the worst of me is too much… The least I wanted to say was goodbye.. you deserve that at least, even  if you don’t want it or care for it…. So…. Goodbye.

Naomi heard her email go off from one of the other tabs currently open on her computer. Strange, it came from her personal email and not her business one. No one used her personal email. Well, not no one. Only friends. Well, a few friends… Okay, almost no one. No one of major importance anyway. Occasionally friends she only knew online or spam from who knows where. She flipped over to the tab and looked at who had sent the email. She immediately felt disgust in her stomach. Hyde. When was that boy going to learn she didn’t care for him. Not even a little. Time to hit the delete button and forget she ever saw this.

She only stopped when she noticed how long it was. Man, he must really be high if he thought she wanted to read this. Oh well. She should at least skim it, right? What if it was important for once? She noticed little words here and there that made her pause before going back and reading the entire thing from the beginning. Well, damn.

She sighed before typing a reply:

You don’t understand. You will never understand how I feel. When Yata left, when I had no idea why, how it felt to have to fight him (even if it was just a corrupted mental version of him)... You will never know or understand that feeling.

Her message seemed as harsh as ever, until she began to write the next line:

Just as I will never know what you’re going through right now. Hyde, I’m sorry you have to experience this right now. It sucks, I know it does. Having the person you care about leave, no matter the reason, sucks. I’m sorry. As for how I felt… I’d rather not say. Not exactly a proud moment in my life.

You are right about one other thing though. I am a hell of a lot stronger than you. I kept moving on when he was gone and bared my pain with dignity. I kept going, despite my pain because there were people that needed me and I didn’t have the luxury of sitting around and doing nothing. So the person I loved left me and the person you loved left you. So what? You have responsibilities you have to deal with. You have wars to fight. Umm… Sorry. That’s not what I should be saying.

Listen, Hyde, we’re not on very good terms right now. You know that. That doesn’t mean I’m heartless. I’m going to put it aside this once and try to say something nice. Try being the key word there. You need to get rid of your Shadow and deal with this mess. Trust me, you feel better afterward.

Though, I suggest you stick to your day job. Your poetry sucks. Like, majorly. It’s terrible. FYI, the only reason I am willing to put up with you right now is because I’m not so heartless as to abandon someone that just bared their heart to me. Also, you finally acknowledged you did something wrong. If you would have done that a few months ago, maybe we would be better friends.

Sorry. My spite is showing. I’ll cut that out.

She was trying, but it wasn’t easy. They had a lot of history and it was not a pretty history. It was lot of fighting (her punching him) and giving up on them ever having a relationship outside of really wanting to strangle the other. Still, had to start somewhere. If he had contacted her for any other reason, she would have ignored him or told him to get lost. He lucked out. Well, not really. She actually felt bad for him.

It was a simple ring of Hyde’s phone that broke him of his trance, he was basically staring into space at the sky until he received a message from naomi. She replied after all, he also had a lot to say. Hyde had no initial reaction whatsoever, he mostly felt like his email should do the talking for him an d completely describe how he felt or wanted to say.

“Maybe I don’t know how it will feel, but from what she said, being on opposite sides maybe ill be forced to fight her. What then? I’m not saying that it weighs any less as opposed to a shadow and a human being, but she sides with deva, the angel of a world that wants me dead, as well as all other persona users. Its bitter sweet right? I caused that mess, and….now I’m paying for it more than ever.

I met with someone, she was special, not an angel , but something else. She told me that I have the power to destroy the primoridals. You want to talk about responsibility? How can I shoulder something so big, that I can make that much of a difference in stopping the world from falling apart and corrupting? Get stronger and fight with my friends. I need you guys more than ever and I know that I can’t do this alone.

To be honest, I’m scared of my shadow. I don’t know how ill change if I win or what will change. Is feeling better mean that ill be an entirely different person? Or maybe I’m scared that I wont change at all? Which was It for you? Was it the things you didn’t want to see? Or the lack of progression when it was all over?

Hyde stopped typing for the moment and looked at what he wrote and the ending to Naomi’s email.

“ Is it really too late for us to be better friends? Is it too late for anything these days?”

He answered back? Of course he answered back. Naomi sighed. Time to play therapist. She sympathized with him, which made it hard to hold a grudge at the moment. Okay, she would call it off for right now, but it would be back on again as soon as they were done talking.

If you have to fight her, then you either fight her, lay down your weapons, or you try to resolve things without fighting. I’ll tell you know that the second option is not okay. You do not lay down your weapons against our enemies. I’m sorry, but she made a declaration about being your enemy. There may be more to it than you realize, but she is your enemy according to her own words. Think of it this way, at least you probably won’t have to fight her…

That would be her job. Naomi was the one dealing with alternate San Malarus, meaning Hyde’s ex was her problem. That was fantastic. So people from their world were forming teams with the angels? Did that mean finding the angels wasn’t good enough to save a world? What else needed to be done? Not only that, being with the angels made you the enemy? Did that mean she needed to find the angels and defeat them, or was there more to the story? Okay, that train of thought could wait until after the feelings jam that was happening.

You just made my point. If that is something only you can do, you don’t have the luxury to sit around and wallow. You especially need to keep going and getting stronger. How do you do it? You just do, because it’s what you have to do. The rest of us have kept going, fight, getting stronger. It’s your turn. We’re doing everything we can. You can’t be the one slacking off, especially if that’s the job you’ve been assigned in all of this.

My Shadow said things I knew were there but I didn’t want to acknowledge. She forced me to see who I was and learn to live with who I really am. Some of the things I had to learn to deal with were ugly, and I’m not proud of them, but they are me. They will never not be me. I didn’t learn all at once though. I’m still learning to deal with the things she showed me. But, I’m happy I fought her. I needed to fight her. I needed to hear what she had to say. She was more honest, but she also twisted it. I had to recognize the truth and live with it. It’s just how it is. You’ll see.

That was the best advice she could give him. It was hard to explain what it did for you. All she knew was that it had helped her grow. She had to stop and stare at the screen. How did she answer this with the tact she needed to.

Hyde… It’s far too late for us. You were never like us. You’re from a different world and you could summon more Persona than any of us. You should have been working the hardest from the beginning. You should have been learning how to fight with all of them. You needed to be the most composed and ready from the start, but… You were the least. In the beginning, we had a chance, but you kept making mistakes. You did things that endangered people and you tried to do it all. Back then, all you had to do was acknowledge that you messed up and learn from it. You didn’t. You kept making the same mistakes and wouldn’t listen when someone told you why what you did was wrong. You tried to wriggle out of the blame. That’s when it became too late. I couldn’t rely on you as a person, much less a friend. To be a friend in the way we needed to be, I would have to trust you with my life, and… I just don’t.

It probably sounded harsh, but that was the truth. What little hope was left was so small she couldn’t see it.

"I'm human, just like you. Worlds apart but i lived the same. Taking that power was a choice of free will, i wanted to get stronger because i didnt want to lose anything or anyone i cared for. It could of been anyone, it could of been you too."

"It must be sickening to you to know that eveb though you dont trust me with your life, your life and tge lives of the others still rests in whatever it is i have to do, which i still dont know what it is. The being, gina, she said paring with an angel will take too long, we're short on time."

Hyde sighed and got up.

"It might be too late for alot of things, but i wont give up. I was immature and naive, and now i know i have to ...grow up. I'll be honest, i feel alot better after telling you how i felt. I honestly wish things were different between us, but this is how it is now."

"You dont have to rely on me because you're strong, you and the others might find another way. But if you are willing to believe in anything even remotely related to me, believe in the fact I'll fight as hard as you will. I staked my life on this power, i wont let it ho to waste...

Thanks naomi, goodbye."

Hyde was still bitter...it still hurt... But he still had to fight. He wasn't excused of his responsibility because of his heartache.

She sighed. He still didn’t get it.

But it wasn’t anyone. It was you. That’s the thing that matters the most. Does saying it could have been anyone make you feel better about your decisions at the end of the day? It shouldn’t. Just because it could have been anyone doesn’t mean that it was. In the end it was you. You made that choice, I did not.

As for what it is you have to do, just do it. Don’t get on your pedestal and act like you are something special. You may have a unique responsibility, but that is it. The rest of us are still fighting and taking control of our own lives. We’re not relying on a single person. We’re relying on everyone, but especially ourselves. If we can’t rely on ourselves, who can we rely on? You need to do what it is you’re planning to do and face everything that means. Don’t act so melodramatic about your responsibility. You chose this. You made your bed. Now sleep in it.

She didn’t understand why he didn’t get this. Oh, wait, he was Hyde. What language did he speak, because it clearly wasn’t English. Maybe she should try what little Spanish she knew. Or maybe she should just start barking. That would probably work.

At least you finally realized that you have to grow up. And here I was thinking you never would. Just… I don’t believe in you. I won’t until you show me why I should. Think you can do that much? Also, if you leave now, I’ll just think you’re a coward.

The only place I’m going to is my own personal hell, I was saying goodbye in case I lost. But if I lose, I would be breaking my promise. So I won’t lose…losing is the same as running away….right?
Why was everything Naomi saying making sense? Why did he come to her of all people? Why not shun? Wouldn’t shun comfort him? Tell Hyde exactly what he wanted to hear? Maybe instinctively Hyde didn’t want what he “Wanted. Maybe what he wanted at the moment, was what he needed, and it was something Naomi could give to him. Constructive criticism, honestly, maybe piece of mind? No, that was asking too much. Hyde wanted her for who she was. And what she possibly said to hyde could make all of the difference
“I’m only special because people say I am, I don’t think hat initially. Believe that, I’m not above anyone. Im just doing whatever can. You kind of opened my eyes to the main fact that I chose this, so I should be pessimistic. By the way, his is off topic but I can’t get into the tower, and I think another god besides angel appeared. Something’s wrong……… so be careful……
……I guess I have a tendency to jump around… but … .. the “god” I think..it basically pushed me off of a roof so….. I kind of felt like you should know…. I’m ok. I don’t know why…. But it doesn’t matter. Goenna, that’s the name goes by gina though…. Pretty, white hair…sorry…ally the crying has made me light headed and I haven’t been eating much since…that happened….
“Hyde was just throwing it in there so Naomi can watch herself.” You think if I come back after fact in my shadow, and you see the “Me” after, would you start believing? Would you believe me if came back? Maybe I shouldn’t be so shy, I wanted a proper send off before i fought this thing. I don’t know why I wanted t talk to you the most before I went…but…I felt that… you would…. Say something I needed to hear…because I know you would have been the one to say it. If that makes any sense…” He was listening to her, that was actually apparent. Hyde didn’t just want acceptance from just anyone, he wanted it from her… and the rest of the world keepers…..
‘

I don’t know what dictionary you’ve been reading, but losing and running away aren’t the same thing. Running is a cowards way out. Losing means you at least tried. I could at least respect a loser. Also, it isn’t that bad. Just your most intimate memories and deepest secrets/regrets being put on full display for anyone that is there. *stares at with razor eyes* Do you see how I was feeling when you and Kurosawa showed up, now? Sorry, passive aggressive anger. Will stop that.

*shrugs* If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re special. You just got a different kind of power than the rest of us and it comes with a different rule book. Aside from that, you’re nothing all that great. I meant for that to sound nicer than it came out, but it reads pretty callous no matter how you parse it. Also, I never said you should be a pessimist. Be a realist for a moment. Weigh everything and figure out where you actually stand. Being an optimist isn’t bad. It just isn’t what you need all the time. Blind faith is a dangerous thing. Being constantly sad is just as bad. You need the middle ground. Not too much of one, not a lack of the other. Balance them and let them work together.

At the tower? Really? Haven’t been there before, but that does sound interesting. Kind of strange. It would probably help to check it out, but I don’t have a reference point to work off of, so I can’t say anything I’d do would be effective. Also, go eat. I don’t care if you have to have someone hold you down and force the food into your mouth. Eat. Your body is probably going into stress mode. Eat to get it out of that. Umm… Remember that place we went after our first fight? Go there, tell Martha that Naomi owes her free service and updates if she treats you. Just go eat something.

She leaned back and sighed before going back to the conversation. Some of these answers weren’t so easy.

I will believe what I see. Don’t ask me about the future, because I have no idea how it will play out. Can’t see it, can’t hold it, can’t know about it. We’ll see how we work together after you get back. Maybe you’ll have grown up some more and we can have a conversation like adults. Maybe you won’t change, and I’ll want to bash your head in. Maybe something will happen that we never predicted.

Hehe. Have I said what you needed to hear yet, or do I need to say even more? Because I can. I can type all day. Well, until I have errands to run, but then I’ll just switch to my tablet. Gotta love having portable internet.

So hyde was being offered a free meal, that was nice of Naomi to squeeze that in for him. “ grumble grumble….” Hyde sat up and kind of realized that he had to eat something afterall. The best thing to do was to go on over to san malarus and eat something.
“Yea, I pretty much got the most of it. I should probably head on over to that restaurant that you just mentioned. I guess I’ve been numbed to the thought, maybe I lost a little weight. I appreciate that though, thank you…..”
Hyde rubbed his head and proceeded to type a little more.
“After that, I’ll have to stop at the velvet room and buy a few things before I head on in. I don’t know if the others told you , but we did the corruption assignment in Zela, and managed to save the angel that basically invented will power, israfel. Even if you save the angel, we can’t necessarily reverse the corruption. Zela is one thing, but lunapa, penecia, even san malarus, I’m a bit scared as to what the side effects would be. Shun has his own shadow to face and alphonse is going with him, I’ll be out for god knows how long, so its just you and sharaku for now, and the others. I just hope it’s not a themed result of making the place “unlivable”. I guess this rule book I’m playing by must be pretty extensive, because I’m in the actual rules of this event. I’m not allowed to side with any of the angels, I don’t even think I can fight them…..or being allowed to. The only exception is if they are corrupt. I just wanted to give you as much info as I can. What will you do now?

*shrug* It’s nothing. I have connections in some places. It’s just a matter of knowing when to use them. This seems like one of those times. And, yeah, step by the blue place. I’m guessing you’re going to need a lot of gear. Fighting yourself isn’t easy, especially if you’re going alone. Buy the entire store if you can. I don’t know where you’d put it all, but do that. You’ll need it.

Well, that corruption is why I want to find a way to save the worlds before they get there. Fixing them is when we’re too late. Maybe we can stop it all together. That’s what I’m working toward. Not an easy goal, but I think I’ll manage. *flicks forehead* You’re not that special. The rules are just different.

She didn’t mean to belittle his role. She just meant that he wasn’t the only one fighting towards a certain goal. She knew he had a role only he could probably do, but that didn’t mean he had to act like he was doing all this all alone. They were fighting too, had roles to play, had to keep fighting. He wasn’t alone. She would stop for a moment. When was the last time she spoke like they were actually a real team and not just people who were working toward the same goal?

Then again, she finally heard it. The one thing she had wanted from him all this time. Darn. She couldn’t hold a grudge without being a jerk now. Still, it would take time. They could only try.

Thanks. I’ll use the information. Also… Good luck.