What are you really? (After Regret)

This post follows up immediately after Regret
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mahavari walked at a brisk pace to his dorm. The halls were still filled with some students chattering about their day and making plans. The noise only fueled his headache. He looked down near seeing more than their torsos making a point to go directly to his room. There was silence after he opened the door. His roommate must've still be out. The only thing that could be heard was the pattering of the rain against the window.  He shut the door and locked it back up knowing his roommate had a key. He placed his keys in the small bowl near a desk casually on his way to his room. After closing his room door, he slid to the ground holding his head. "She acts just like Kael." he said coldly, finally speaking the name of his best friend he betrayed aloud. He let his head fall back against the wall as he slid further down until he was looking at the ceiling. "You were always wallowing in mud and dirt, kicked around and brow beat and yet you defended everyone like some god damned super hero." he cursed lowly still referring to Kael. "Did you even really know me?" he sulked as he laid against the floor.  He let his eyes gaze at his room as much as he could from that angle, mixtures of teals and blues covered his bed sheets and drapes over his windows. A movie poster from a kung fu movie he detested, a bookshelf filled with atlases, medical books, and college level preparation books, only a small section of books he actually enjoyed, all seemed to be poetic in nature, a single small bonsai tree given to him by his roommate as a welcoming gift, there was a face-down framed picture by his nightstand of his parents and him as a child just before they sent him away to private school for the first time, a large necklace made of Indian prayer beads hung from the corner of his study desk wrapped around the base of the small lamp.  It was a mixture of things he thought he were expected to like and seldom few things he actually enjoyed scattered about his room.

Tykal got to his feet slowly walking over to the window and cracking it slightly, turning on a fan near the window positioned awkwardly as if it weren't meant to ever blow on him but out the window. When he reached into the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a tiny pack of cigarettes the fan suddenly made sense. Students weren't allowed to smoke in their dorms and a 17 year old wasn't really allowed to by any standards but he had found that they did help calm him and after about two years of smoking them they were hard to just give up. The irony was that he only started smoking to spite his parents. He made a small slit between his curtains so he could blow the smoke out of the window without his face being seen.  When he finished he'd go through the extensive ritual of lighting scented candles and spraying odor eliminator in his room. His roommate was none the wiser to his bad habit and he got brownie points for having a fresh smelling room by anyone who walked close to it after he opened the door.

He took a long drag muttering to himself with a look of sorrow on his face. Not that anyone would see it, but it was how he felt. He gave a huff before becoming just slightly audible, "A book telling my story. Funny, even I don't really know my own story anymore.  Just a shitty Hallmark special about some kid who's parents abandoned him and left him on some tragic road to self discovery. Well hope you're proud Mom and Dad, your sons a loser with a fake smile and probably a list of psychological defects that require loads of money and therapy." he scoff sarcastically.   "I've been here three weeks and so far the only moment of actual relaxation and bliss came from someone with grey skin that I met at cafe." he shook his head in disbelief. "I just want to get away from it all. School, your damn high expectations, people, all of it. What I'd give for just a moment to escape reality and be somewhere else." he smiled solemnly at the end picturing a beautiful moonlit garden with moss and ivy climbing up a large pearl fountain with crystal blue water and pillars encircling it, a small walkway to the fountain lined with luscious flowers arranged as if tended daily by professionals... something out of some play or movie.  That was paradise. That was how he pictured a scene of the perfect moment.

He gazed out the window watching other students playing, girls giggling after rejecting some school boys failed attempt at flirting. "Tch" he groaned. It must be so nice to not have to worry about anything. Just 'have fun and relax'. He looked over at the piles of books by his study. "What good's having high grades and excelling at all the clubs when you have no friends. Not that you even have time, and wait you're friends with HIM, you know he's such a weirdo, who likes flowers that much. He must be queer, and look what he's wearing, does his mother let him dress himself, come on Tykal let's get away from this loser" he mocked the hissing of the students from his old school. People who pretended to be his friends only after learning about his families money. "Idiots," he growled.  "You want to be carefree and be an elitist so you can be happy and gain everyone's approval, for what! So you can betray the one person you actually like!? It's all so stupid!" Tykal cursed hitting his fit against the wall next to the window.  

He still wouldn't admit it but he wanted nothing more than to be different. To be more like Kael. The same boy that he denied having feelings for as more than just his best friend. He spent all this time regretting never telling Kael and betraying him as a friend. The only picture he had aside from the face-down portrait of his parents was of him and Kael holding each others shoulders in front of their garden. It was funny. When he started making a notion of defending Kael to his fake friends they teased him and called him out, 'Defending your boyfriend?" It was a moment of triumph for Tykal telling them off. Not only did he out himself he also indirectly admitted he loved Kael. He stood up to a pack of bullies and fakes and felt relieved. But when the dust settled and he went back to try and patch up the mess he made, he was torn apart. A fitting punishment for what he did to Kael anyways.

So that's when he decided that if he never showed anyone the real him, then he couldn't really get hurt. He ran like a coward to his school and now he ran from the girl that reminded him of Kael. The whole thing made him feel angry and disappointed with himself.

Tykal finished his cigarette and as every time he hid the pack away with his lighter and showered the room with pleasant scents before flopping on his bed. "Wear a mask so long you forget its on and you actually become the facade... so just who the hell are you Maha?" he quoted Kael's parting words with him as he stared at the ceiling allowing all of his senses to fade away into a trance.