jay ender my oc

Posts : 3 Join date : 2019-05-02 Age : 25

jay ender
work in progress

The Biography

Birth Name: jay ender
Aliases: phantom
Gender: male
Age: 16
Birth Day: 9.4.?
Arcana: fool
Place of Residence: the backlight
Evoker: Mental Shackles
Academy Semester: first year of school

Sorority:
Part/Full Time Job: cashier

Appearance: a brown skined male. Wears red jacket and wears forest green camo glasses. wears blue jeans and blue sneakers. And black curly hair it almost looks like a afro he combs and picks it every morning. Jay stands at 5'4 he's about as tall as most of the people of his class room. His appearance will change colors of blue, black, white and orange.

Alternate Appearance: a bright brown mask that covers the top half of his face that resembles a lion's and the he wears a light beige coat and he wears the hood(the hood has ears on it). he will also have bright brown gloves(bright brown on the outside and orange on the inside) he has beige colored pants and black shoes.(the jacket goes all the way down his pants).

Personality: he's all ways excited to do things he will always help people even if they refuse help. He can be emotionally fragile and even refuses help and try's to do things himself.he always pray every night for good fortune and good fortune for his friends and family and has a punching bag in his room to training. And sometimes flashes back to a even worse time. He relies on his friends sometimes to help him out of trouble. Sometimes when he's mad he starts to get closed off and will refuse to talk to anyone usually talking calms him down or wait a few days. He will sometimes lashes out in anger or even fear. he will rarely talk about his past and will try to change the subject.

The Potential

Strengths:

—Strength Name: happy feeling
—Description: PM str+10%

—Strength Name: taekwondo
—Description: PP str +15%

—Strength Name: lucky break
—Description: luck +10%

—Strength Name:hopeful thinking
—Description:PM str +5%
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((A floating Strength is a strength you've gained inRP. For example, if you were on a Kendo team for some time, you'd naturally know Kendo which is where this strength would come in. However, be aware, it will not be as strong as any of your actual strengths and is a small plus)

—Floating Strength Name:
—Description:

Weaknesses:

—Weakness Name: no sense of direction....
—Description: twice as hard for jay to progress through dungeons

—Weakness Name: Restless sleep
—Description: -10% sleep resist

—Weakness Name:it hurts so much!!
—Description: -5% hp recover when resting

—Weakness Name:
—Description:

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((A floating weakness is one gained in RP. It could be a fear you inherited during RP, or an injury that hinders your character. Some can be temporary while others can be permanent.)

—Floating Weakness Name:
—Description:

Soul Bound Weapon: (This is the weapon you'll be able to summon to your hand while in combat. This weapon is special for your character specifically and allows you to fight Shadows and Demons without the need of summoning your Persona. This can be anything but a Gun (Or gun related weapon))

Weapon Name: shadow dancer
Weapon Description: a blue hunting knife (3 1/2 inches long)
Weapon Image: (Not necessary)
Weapon Attack Type: slash
Weapon Element:

Side-Arm Weapon:

Side-Arm Name: odyssey
Side-Arm Description: a revolver with brown handle and the rest of the gun is blue with a shipwreck and ocean art style.
Side-Arm Image: (Not necessary)
Side-Arm Attack Type: Gun
Side-Arm Style: revolver- single shot-accuracy increased by 20%-consumes only one type of ammo per use-can shoot only one enemy at a time.

The Background

History:when jay was 6 he had made friends with 4 boys and 1 girl peter, Jazz, Dan, Jonathan, and jade they were really close. They helped each other with study's and tough times they would always hang out.
Jay is a 16 year old boy who is struggling to make friends. During the eternal divide he was coming home from a road trip. The car crashed and his family died as he was running to the city he loved so much. he wanted to find his friends only to watch them die with out jay doing a thing and one of his friends saved his life dying in his place. Jay blames himself because he sat and watched so now thinks of his past as bad luck. He now hides being depressed for a happy go luck attitude and hiding the fact that he's emotionally fragile.

Posts : 967 Join date : 2017-05-16

Okay, so.

I assume for That was a great Hit, you mean if an Ally hits a weakness they get a 5% Attack boost? How long does it last? What Attack stat is it raising? Each player would only be allowed one boost from this at a time.

For I will Be Fine, is it applying to a teammate, or himself? At anyrate, we don't allow either Endurance to be raised by strengths.

Keep Pushing Yourself doesn't need a chance, it's a passive.

Finally, Look Out. You can't alter stats right before an attack lands. Especially not through a strength. You can have it be a passive that raises your own luck by 15%.

Nothing about your character exactly makes him Lovers Arcana. Either flesh him out, or change Arcana.

It's Hopeless Decreases his attack by how much? Which Attack Stat?

How Dare You and I can't Move would have to be always active as Passive weaknesses. How Dare you also needs to specify what stat it's effecting. I Can't Move would have to effect a different stat, if you have Look Out boost Luck.

I can't do this without you has a 10% chance of making him Panic?

Your Personality and History have to be two paragraphs long.

Subject: Re: jay ender my oc Fri May 03, 2019 3:35 am

Alright, let's get crackin'.

Quote :: Aliases: phantom

There is already a prominent NPC that goes by the Phantom. You can call yourself this IC but you may get some unintended backlash from taking the name of someone much more famous.

Quote :: Place of Residence: shopping district

Do you mean the Backlight District? The Emporium Stretch? I don't know where this is.

Your Appearance needs to be more descriptive, I don't even know what your hair color/length is. Your Personality needs another paragraph too, it's way too short.

Quote :: —Strength Name: keep pushing your self
—Description: jay will cheer himself up. ST ATTACK UP 15%

What is ST Attack? You can't get a flat attack boost. You can boost one of your attacking stats (PPstr, PMstr, or Dex) or attacks of a certain element (Fire, Slash, etc.).

Quote :: —Strength Name: look out!!
—Description: just before a big attack or critical hit lands LUCK UP 15%

I don't know what this does either. What is "just before a big attack or critical hit lands" is that when the enemy is charging an attack? You can't predict when critical hits land. I suggest you rework this into something consistent.

Quote :: —Strength Name: quick warm up
—Description:jay will do a quick warm up exercises SP ATTACK UP 10%—(last for 2 turns)

What is SP Attack? Is this two turns at the beginning of a fight? It can't be a unique combat action, that isn't something you typically get with character strengths, that's something reserved for skills.

Quote :: Strength Name: THAT WAS A GREAT HIT!!
—Description: for every weak attack hit will cheer SP ATTACK UP 5%(last for 1 turn)

This doesn't tell me anything either. Is this when you hit with a weakness or when an ally hits with one? Is it for you or anyone in your party? Again, SP Attack isn't a thing on NA, I don't know what this is.

I don't feel like your Weaknesses are 1-to-1 balanced with your Strengths either but your Strengths don't functionally work so I can't really pass judgement yet. Use the NA terms, I got no clue what ST Attack or SP Attack means.

Quote :: Weapon Name: shadow dancer
Weapon Description: a blue hunting knife (3 1/2 long)
Weapon Image: (Not necessary)
Weapon Attack Type: slash
Weapon Element:

3 1/2 long? 3 1/2 what? Feet? Inches? Centimeters? I don't know how long this weapon is.

Your Side-Arm needs a description.

Lastly I typically don't get into the History section as long as it's long enough and doesn't have anything crazy in it, but you need to redo it. Some people like to stylize their History like you've done and that's all fine, the first paragraph is pretty okay. But the second paragraph literally tells me nothing about your character's past. Alone that's okay as part of a larger History but if you can't meet the minimum standards I can't accept this.

This text links to the Battle Guide. Before you start making up your own stats or weird Strengths that don't work I want you to read it before you do anything.

Subject: Re: jay ender my oc Fri May 03, 2019 9:13 pm

Alright. Let's get to this, since it's up for grading again.

You still haven't addressed the issues raised with your strengths. Please do so. Refer back to the last post if you don't remember what the issues raised were.

Your place of residence has still yet to be properly clarified as well. The "shopping district" is not the name of any distinct district or locale in Endymion.

Please add another paragraph to your personality. It's still only a single paragraph that provides little information on what they are like overall, and your personality needs to meet a two paragraph minimum.

The only thing you've added to your appearance is your hair colour and what type of hair it is. When you were informed that we didn't know what length or colour your hair was, it did not mean that was all you had to add - it was a single example to demonstrate that your description was not very informative. Please elaborate on your description.

You may want to work on your history more. It provides little detail.
Just as a prompt: Jay is 16 now. They would have been 11 at the time of the Eternal Divide. What impact did that have on his life? On Peter's? Is Peter in Endymion, or did he/his parents find a way to make it somewhere else in the world in spite of the demons?
Another thought: When did the crash happen? How long has Jay been in Endymion?

Please address the main issues raised before putting this up for grading again - namely, your personality, your appearance, your strengths, and your place of residence. Most of these issues have been raised multiple times, at this point.
We do our best to help you get your app to a point where it may be accepted, but if you do not do anything to address issues where they are raised, then we are not under any obligation to make further gradings. We do our best to help you, but you need to work with us first.

If you're not sure what your app should look like, take a look at the approved characters, and take note of what they include and what they have done. It should help you gain a better understanding of how to write your character app.

» Jerry-kun [Plot Idea - The Ender's Maze]