If You're Happy and You Know It [Solo - Seven Stars Dorms - Night]

She had a long walk home to think about stuff, stuff she didn't wanna think about. Not even the cold drizzle could shake her thoughts from herself. It was late, everywhere was closed. Patty couldn't remember the last time she felt that alone, trudging down the lifeless streets in the rain with a look of discontent apparent on her face. She wanted to run but didn't wanna be suspicious, she had to bottle everything inside even if she wanted to scream and cry and sprint and never stop until she was far away. She didn't wanna go back to the dorms, she didn't wanna be anywhere she could recognize. All Patricia wanted was to be away and gone and separate from everything that just happened.

It brought back a lot of memories of shit she wanted to bury and never dig up again. The streets of Monterey. Patty always tried to remember the good times from back in Cali, stuff like skating with her friends or slumming it on the beach catching fish, the sunset over the pier. She didn't wanna remember kicking a kid on the ground over and over because he had bottled water and she didn't or the apprehension she felt running around on nights like this trying to duck the gangs. Or the meth addicts and trap houses. Patricia remembered what he said when they fought him, about how life was hard and she understood what he meant. But she wanted him to shut up and quit talking and ended up killing him. It wasn't his fault.

Patricia walked onto campus with her head down. She wasn't worried about getting caught on tape, she already set up her alibi before going out. Patty was on schedule that night and the school knew she worked nights, but she got Cory to cover instead and she'd cover him that weekend so he could go see some new nerd movie, Era of Ultima or something, she didn't pay attention. She was still on schedule, as long as no one checked the tapes from work she was safe and even then she could fix that next time she was there. Everyone else would swear up and down she worked that night since they technically weren't supposed to do that. She trudged across the slick grass and to her window, climbing through it like she always did.

She couldn't let this get her down, she couldn't get dragged down because of this or she'd get caught. She could never stop moving. So she set to work on that. Her weary body found its way to her bathroom in the darkness of her dorm and she flicked the light on to wash the green out of her hair.

Click.


.....she stood stunned for a moment as she gazed into her own reflection. Looking just like that guy. How close she was to ending up just like he did. Some worthless junkie to die in the woods, no last words, no one to care. Would anyone even notice he was gone? She was just like him. That could be her. Her chest began to shake and she reached over to turn on her shower head, taking her eyes away from her reflection. As she bent down to turn the faucet and the water began to run her strength left her and she fell to her knees in sobs that wracked her entire body. Worthless. Useless. Damaged. Unwanted. She beat her fist on the tile a few times, stinging her knuckles and resting her face in her hand over the tub.

She couldn't do this. Patty couldn't deal with it, she just fuckin' couldn't!

Still weeping she shuffled over to her dresser and climbed up the side to the ceiling tile where her stuff was hidden. And she found her Xanax. Choking down sobs she spilled a handful of pills into her hand and popped them in her mouth. She couldn't do this without help and no one could help, no one but the drugs could help her now. Weeping and hurting she pulled herself under the running water to sit under the hot torrent that soothed her muscles and warmed her skinny frame. Crying and holding her head until it stopped hurting. Until everything stopped hurting. Until she didn't feel sad or upset anymore. Because she couldn't feel sad or upset anymore. She couldn't feel anything anymore, just empty. Couldn't think, couldn't feel, and didn't have to deal with this anymore. That's how the drugs could help her. No one else could. She stopped crying. The water continued to run.