Face-to-Face (Crow)

Have you ever sat down and looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, I am one of a kind? I am unique? Special? Or do you look at yourself and rub your chin thinking man is that really me in there or is this an illusion and I am gonna be something totally different when I wake up?

You do the former and never have done the latter? You asking if I am high or drunk? Well I do drink and smoke here and there. I will also admit I have done drugs and I am not afraid to try some new shit, but uh...I am quite clean and sober for the time being, so you don't have to worry about me hallucinating from that. Nah see. My mind up here? It is aware that this me is not the first me. No I think this is perhaps the 5th me.

I think the first me was a chick that ran some form of inn in a city I guess was called Enydimon. I am not even sure what the fuck that is honestly. Anyway, that me lasted a few weeks and I think this body of mine belonged to someone named Gemini? I....I am honestly not sure. Anyway, those two disappeared into the Void and for a long time there was no me....but then I was born as this little cat rabbit thing and was like with some bird thing and pink dragon thing. This form of me lasted like that for a hot second and then changed again into some fox like thing with spines that was with a red dragon in some snow. Then that me disappeared and now the me that is now exists came to be.

It is insanity, but I am telling you there were other mes before this. All of them with the same name: Calabus. So it makes me wonder as I look at myself in mirror up and down, is this the final me and the only me? Or am I too a thing for the Void to change and devour? Heh. Probably best not to think about that one. Alright heading outside now to breathe. Let's see if I don't vanish before I am out the door. At least I know my name will stay. Oh and what is that name you ask? The one I mentioned before: My name is Calabus.


He'd close his journal and place it back on the shelf before spinning around in his computer chair and getting up and stretching feeling much better now that that insanity was out of his head. Looking over at his wall clock he saw that he had about thirty minutes to get his butt to a particular spot in Junction for a face-to-face meeting with his online boyfriend. It was strange really how this all happened.  

He had met the guy through some online group site he was on and for whatever reason they had begun speaking to each other one-on-one through private chats. It became a daily occurrence, chatting with the guy that is and he guess over time, he grew attached to him and in the end asked him out. Was this a bad idea? Dating someone over the internet? Maybe. There was the off chance that all the information the guy had given him was fake. The guy could've been some old dude hiding behind fake pictures and weaving stories to make him trust over the last 2 or so months he had been dating this guy online.

There was a number of ways this could end, but that is exactly why he was doing the most uncomfortable thing for himself right now: He was leaving to meet this guy face-to-face. On one hand, he was excited to finally meet the person he had been speaking to all this time face-to-face. It would actually be nice to be able to physically see and maybe even hug this person he really liked and got along with. However, on the other hand, he was dreading the idea that this was all a lie and he was about to be disappointed. And even worse than that? Anxiety of having to interact with another face-to-face.

There was a reason he stayed inside most of the time and only went out when he needed to buy food or something. Inside was safe you know? But he couldn't exist forever behind closed doors so.... Here was to actually doing something different. Yay? Oh god he was going to die. Okay. Okay breathe. Right.

Fiddling nervously with a button on his jacket, he would look himself over in the mirror and then nodding and accepting that this was the best he was going to look, he headed out the door and went to the station.

A tram ride or two later he made it to the Commercial Ward and after some walking to the cafe they were suppose to meet at. Looking around nervously he didn't see who he was meant to meet yet, but then again he was 10 minutes early so maybe that was why.

Digging out his phone, he would scroll to find the picture of the guy he was looking for taking in the details one last time before placing the phone away and shoving his hands in his pocket. He would look around again trying to pretend he was taking in the sights versus being an awkward stick in the world that honestly wanted to retreat back home. Man he prayed this was worth it...

He continued to look around the area having enough sense to move off to the side to keep out of the way of crowds and traffic milling about. He would nervously check his watch his mismatched nails of red and blue clicking softly together with nerves as he shoved his hand back in his pocket and played with the key chain there. The meeting was still a few minutes away, but the longer he waited the more he wished the meeting would already happen.

He was on the edge of a panic attack honestly, the hustle and bustle of the area making him want to bolt towards the nearest hole he could find to escape it all. No. His life style and his job were geared towards avoiding people most of the time. He stayed at home behind his computer or devices doing business via voice chats unless he had to come in to meet someone face-to-face. When he was alone and safe, he was cool, but going to meet a client? It was a miracle he got out the door without passing out or dying. His saving strength? Mochi. The strange mix of dog, bird, and other animals was at his side when he left the house giving him some form of safety. Something familiar to latch onto and be grounded again.

It was bad, his issues. He knew that and accept that it wouldn't be an easy fix, but even so he sometimes wished he could just toss the issue away and like just be chilled for once instead of this overloaded bundle of nerves he was now. He was gonna pay big time for this when he was back home and his body relaxed. Pain City. It was a guarantee after all this...even more so since the tension only intensified  the longer he was alone and waiting.

Shifting again, he would reach out without looking toward his side, his hand finding the familiar mix of fur and feathers. Still looking around, he would stroke this familiar thing trying to calm himself; however, before he could it would seem that fate would do something else.

When he suddenly had company, the young man would jump slightly as his attention snapped to who was talking to him and immediately found himself face-to-face with the expected and not expected. He would hesitated for a second as he looked at the face and the guy before him....so the pictures only lied in the fact that the guy was even more good looking in person, huh? Intere--wait a minute. Staring. Bad!

The shorter and paler of the pair would blink as he looked away after what felt like an eterinity his strange eyes locking on the drink instead.

"Um..,S-sure Thanks," he would say his voice more of a nervous mumble as he took the drink and eyed it a bit with narrowed eyes trying to figure out what it was. Then figuring he might seem rude, he would try to hold the drink naturally and appear more or less relaxed as he looked back at the guy. "S-so umm.." He would pause to clear his throat and also to speak a bit more normally versus this sad excuse of a whisper he had going on. "Your name is Crow, right?" he would ask with a small smile.

Oh goddess, help me. Help me please, please not fuck this up.

Meanwhile Mochi remained calm, her nose twitching as she took in the scent of the newcomer, staying calmly by her owner's side. Observing for now.

The staring contest was an interesting one while the shorter of the two was distracted by the face before him. He didn't react to the staring back for the moment, but as soon as he caught himself and realized what he was doing that is when the internal panic kicked in and he had to do everything in his power to force himself to at least look like nothing was wrong.

He took the drink easily enough; however, the sound of his voice and the nervous shifts while he was standing did hint that underneath it all he may be just falling apart. But....he would not let his panic ruin this. No he had been waiting a really long time to do this and now that he was finally doing it, he could not freeze up and run. That would be bad...Really bad and the last thing he wanted was for tall and handsome over there to have second thoughts about him and be like ummm...no and just not even continue with this dating thing.

In any case, once he got his voice more or less back to normal, he would hear the response back to his question, kind of liking the way it was presented. "How charming," he would find himself saying softly as a small smile crossed his face as he watched the guy...only for a second later to look away feeling flustered again. What was he doing? Why was he like this? Geez come on. Just relax already for fuck sake! And eh?

Calabus would blink a bit at the question as his eyes slid to the tables. "Oh. Sure," he would answer with a timid nod and then took a good five seconds to unglue his feet from the ground and move to a table for two that was in the shade of the roof of the building. Sitting down, he'd place the drink down before using his hand to push back his strange glasses and tuck a roaming strand of hair behind his ear as he did this Mochi settled at his side making sure to lean against him to provide support in a subtle way in this situation.

When asked the question, the young man would nod. “Uh. Y-yes,” he would begin as he reached downward to stroke the creature’s head as he looked at her with a gentle smile. “Her name is Mochi and I suppose you can say she is more family than friend. We’ve been together a long time. Though I didn’t mention her before did I? Does it bother that she is here?” He would say his voice calm and soft as he petted the creature who snuggled easily into his hand. He would do this for a while seeming even more relaxed than before, but knowing he couldn’t do this forever he would eventually stop as he looked over at the other shyly trying to give a smile.

“So uh...you say they call you Crow. Is uh...Crow a nickname? And who is they?” Well he was at least trying to talk. So yay?

"W-well you seem to do it well and naturally enough," the double horned male would say as he took notice of the smile that crossed the other's face. W-was that a good thing or....? He wasn't sure and honestly he did not have time to be pondering over that. He could ask....but if he asked then...then... The young man would shake his head a bit to clear it as he did his best to focus on his companion and the situation vs. the thoughts that sought to distract him from this moment.

Sitting down and petting Mochi helped calm him a bit even if he would choose to sit with his back straight and his hands in his laps in the end. He kept his eyes on the drink for a few moments before taking a look over at the other. He would take note of how relaxed the guy was in action and behavior. He didn't seem to be concerned about his behavior which was kind of good and worrisome. On one hand, he was happy the guy wasn't pointing out a flaw of his, but on the other hand he wondered what the guy thought of him. It made him nervous as he fiddled with his hands under he table and then heard a question that made him want to sink through the ground.

It would take him a moment to respond back as he looked off to the side with a worried frown for a moment as his mind raced about. Once he collected himself, he would shift so he was facing the other, but he wouldn't make eye contact with him as he opened his mouth to answer.

"We...kind of do and well she...helps with things. I uh..." His words would dry up as he shook his head trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. It was hard, but he tried anyway. "I am not..exactly how I seem online. I have some...issues I am working on, but haven't quite conquered. As a result, Mochi is needed for me to function more or less. To be frank, I am not sure if I could come out here and do this on my own." It hurt to say it, but it was true. If he didn't have Mochi at his side, he would've locked himself up and been to afraid to go out the door. Sad and probably something that would turn the other off...maybe even give up on this relationship thing. Not many wanted to try and deal with an already flawed being, but he couldn't lie about this either. So as ugly as it was to be coming up on a first date, he suppose it owed to the other to let him know exactly what he was getting himself into.

Well wherever that went, the pale skinned male would sit quietly for a moment letting time pass until the other answered his question regarding his name.

"Ah I see," he would say with a nervous twitch of the lip trying to smile before giving up on the matter as he  reached for the drink and took a sip of it. It was an interesting taste causing him to tilt his head at it a bit as he sat it down on the table again. "Umm...may I ask what sort of drink this is?"  He kind of couldn't place the taste at the moment.

The fairy would nod a bit at what he heard. “I suppose I can understand that to a degree.” Even he as screwed up as he could be had his ways to make life work for him in a more or less bearable way. Though what came up next was not easy to hold up. Feeling completely on edge after what he said, Calabus would find himself tapping his foot nervously a motion that Mochi took notice of as she placed shifted a bit to rub against his leg trying to calm him as he quietly fought with himself as he waited for judgment from the other. Waited, but did not receive it?

To what he heard he would glance over at the other with a mild expression of surprise before he gave a soft "hmph" at the situation seeming caught somewhere between amused and uncertain. “You certainly...are different than most,” he would begin and then taking a breath he would sit back as he sighed trying to relax as he looked up at the sky a bit. “Most probably wouldn’t judge the existence of Mochi no, but typically once they find the reason as to why she is there, they take off like I am the plague. After all no one wants deal with something out of the box and flawed.” He would shake his head a bit before continuing. “You have point in the fact that I am doing doing things and talking, but...I find myself having much trouble doing that without some form of support w-when face-to-face.” A computer screen was safe. No one could see unless you wanted them to and text was so much easier to do than trying to form words or figuring out how to behave around a live person. It could be a pain really and maybe something someone the polar opposite of him didn’t get, but still that was there.

He would mourn his issues internally for a bit before pushing them away and focusing on the positive a bit. Well the guy was still sitting there so maybe saying what he had said was okay or something. He wasn’t sure, but didn’t let that be his focus as he took a sip of the drink and asked his question. To what he heard, the fairy actually gave the other very gentle, yet shy smile as he looked down a bit.

“How considerate of you to not hit the booze right off the bat,” he would say before looking up at the other a bit. “You drink?” he would ask seeming a tad bit more relaxed before as he observed the other.

“Do or do not. There is no cannot,” the young man would whisper as he looked off to the side thinking on it. Perhaps to someone who was more normal the statement was simple enough, but what about those like him who had to struggle just to make something that simple a reality? It was a tricky subject, but one the fairy would not push very far as things felt like they were going a bit south when his issue came to light and his mind automatically began to assume the worst as he awaited the response or no response back.

However things didn’t play out as he thought they would as not only did the guy stay, but now he was giving him a smile? Calabus was already confused by this, but what stunned him the most was the response given. As his mind absorbed it all, he would stare at the other a little slacked jaw for a moment before he was raising a hand to his lips as he actually chuckled in amusement at this one. “I-I am sorry. It’s just I didn’t expect such a response. It’s kind of…” he would take a breath to calm himself a bit as he gave the other a small more natural smile. “A relief to hear that and find someone that seems to have some common sense around here.” Or at least was respectful enough to not make it seem like his condition and existence was a sin to begin with. The comment helped a ton with relaxing him a bit more as he became quiet to drink a bit more of the tea. Though when the next topic came up, the fairy would wince a bit in discomfort as he looked down shaking his head. His mind was whirling around different things. Touchy things that he did not wish to get in to, but how did he answer this simply without saying something he did not wish to say.

He would keep his head bow as his discomfort seemed to shift into thoughtfulness as he frowned at the table for almost a whole minute before he looked back at the other with a serious expression as Mochi actually lifted her head to first look at Calabus and then at Crow as she folded her ears back seeming not to appreciate the words directed towards her as she flicked her tail a bit, but didn’t do anything for the moment. In any case, Calabus would find his voice and speak, even if it was a bit of a strain. “...Mochi has always been there for me. I have no reason to doubt if I failed or something went horrible, she’d be right there to pick me up again...If by some chance this happened without her well…” he trail off a bit as he looked down at the table again as his hands balled into tight fist on the table, his expression a bit tormented though why was uncertain. Even so he would finish the sentence. “I’d just have to find a way to pick up myself and deal. I am very aware that with or without support. My issues are there.” From here he would become quiet seeming to drift off somewhere else for a moment before forcing himself back to the moment at hand realizing he was probably being way to tense for such a simple question.

Shifting in his seat uncomfortably he’d rub his arm a bit nervous. “Sorry,” he would mutter hoping that little flip hadn’t damaged anything here or came off as offensive to the guy. He didn’t want to ruin this with his behavior and yet...he was still him in the end wasn’t he? Thankfully before he go off onto the bad track, the subject would turn to drinks instead.

Taking a moment to drink a bit more of the tea, Calabus would settle the drink back on the table as the other stretched out a bit. He was almost tempted to reach out and hold his hands, but didn’t as he let his hands rest relaxed on the table as he listened to the other before giving a light hum.

“I can admit that can be a shitty move, but on the other hand maybe it could’ve saved you from this. I would’ve chilled out real fast and t-this ummm…” he would use his hands to gesture towards himself before shrugging a bit as he tossed his hands up slightly as words failed him for a moment. Shaking his head, he’d drop his hands to his lap. “Let’s just say it might’ve been smoother if you didn’t have to deal with sober me.” Drunk him was a whole lot calmer and while still him not the real him. No what was before the guy now was the real him though he often wondered if he was just drunk or high him and was calm upon meeting someone would life be different? ….Maybe not. Maybe he’d just have a worse addiction than before to things he was trying to rid out of his life anyway. That aside though… “Sober is good. Though you said you drink when you can afford to. If you don’t mind me asking what does that mean exactly?” Did the guy just mean he drank here and there or did he mean he didn’t drink because of budget?

He would take a sip of his drink once more as he heard the answer given. Looking off to the side in thought he would respond back. “In a way you are right; however, those stuck do have the option to still do if they choose to do so. Cannot….means exactly that. It is not. There is no choice. There is nothing…” he trail off at that one seeming to go off into some other thought for a moment as he picked that one apart. Cannot and do not. There was a clear difference for him for more than one reason. He drift for a bit and then catching himself, he’d glane at the other with a small blush on his face as he looked down. “Sorry...I sometimes lose myself a bit.” He didn’t mean to go deep or into dark broody think mode either, but it just happened at times. He just prayed the other didn’t find that rude.

His fingers would softly drum the table in nerves as the other snorted and respond back to his comment about judgment. His lips would twitch a bit as a small nervous smirk tried to appear; however, he was focus on the guy showing he was pretty interested in the matter. “Perhaps opinion is the better word. Though I don’t think opinions tell you to be kind to someone or show some respect for another. I think common sense or maybe even something deeper tells you to do that. Treat everyone like family even if you do hate their guts. Just don’t sit there and judge like you are someone better simply because someone has traits different from yours,” he would say as he looked down at the table with a frown thinking a bit before shaking his head and looking up at the other in a shy manner as a very soft smile crossed his lips. “Perhaps I am just strange and old fashion in my thinking. It just irks me a bit that a good chunk of the world bars me off just because I have this or that flaw.” There was enough things in life to make one miserable, so why was it that society and people just added onto that hell?

Speaking of difficulties, it would seem the next topic was one of those complicated ones that could get messy fast if one got to deep into or got offended easily. Luckily for Crow all the probing did was make Calabus think a bit harder as he shifted in his seat wincing a bit at the tense in his back as he thought. As he thought, Mochi would meet Crow’s eyes her head tilting a bit as her nose twitched as she observed him with a curious gaze until her master moved, looking down as his eyebrows furrowed and his hands went to his lap.

Keeping his focus on his hands, he would begin to fiddle with them as he spoke his voice soft as usual. “Unless there is a physical scuffle…..that is one area...I will not let her help me in. After all...she cannot fight all my battles. I...still need to stand...on my own despite my flaws.” It was a tough path and one that while terrified he took daily one step at a time. “...It is tough…. but she walks the path with me...and that is enough...for me at least.” He would look back at the other with a tired smile suggesting he had been going through this chat, topic or thing for a long while now, but even so he didn’t shy away from in it. In fact, he seemed to remain quite open to the situation as he asked, “Does that answer your question?” before becoming silent for a moment to see if the other had anything else to say.

Letting that topic go where it would, Calabus would find himself slow relaxing though his shyness and nerves left the scene as he gave a small nod to the comment made to his apology, but outside of the soft okay given back the young man didn’t have anything else to say. Moving past awkward moments of silence, they would get on the topic of drinking which seem to bring the other some amusement. Well he suppose that was good then? He had no clue and he was clearly thinking too much, but how to shut it all off? Apparently by laughing nervously and raising shaky hands to gesture at himself. A bit trembly he would speak.

“A-And uh th-this this is better than and c-calmer me? I mean…” What did he mean? He was losing it a bit here and that wasn’t good at all. Panicking a bit he would wave his hands before him feeling like he couldn’t breathe for a moment as he looked away from the other trying to compose himself. Why did this...always happen?

“Tsk. Frustrating ass,” he growled lowly to himself his behavior switching from panicked to agitated in a second; however, that mood wouldn’t last long as Mochi shifted sit up and place a paw on his leg. The touch snapped him back to reality as he looked down at her as his shoulders slumped a bit in defeat as he returned back to his quieter and nervous self looking a bit miserable as reached out to pet Mochi. “Is this….really better than having someone who is calm?” he would ask softly. “I mean if you had known what I was before meeting me face-to-face. Would you have still said yes to dating online and meeting like this?” Surely this sort of person was undesirable right? Well that happened and probably made a mess of things, but he let it take its course since there was no changing that now.

When the dust or whatever had settled from that, Calabus would look over at the other as the guy gave an expression that kind of made his lips twitch a bit with a smile that didn’t quite come. Still his voice was soft and calm enough when he spoke. “Ah well I was just making sure I understood correctly. Regardless being drunk on the job is not the best thing to be.” It could bring about many unpleasnt things even if some sweared it gave “inspiration”. “Speaking of jobs. You entertain, right? How do you do that? Like what is your art form?”