Huayan
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Posts : 4919
Join date : 2013-09-06
Age : 28
Location : In front of my computer.
 | Subject: The Meaning of Life...?  Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:16 pm | |
| One...Two...Three...Four...
Time flew on so effortlessly as Sharaku lay down on his couch, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn't bothered to move a single inch since Mae left earlier. He didn't know how much time had really passed since then, and he didn't really care. It felt too insignificant to truly matter. Maybe...just maybe, it was actually a good thing that she had excused herself and left home, for he would likely not have been able to handle the situation properly for much longer. He was far too deep in this already, and perhaps that was, and would be his downfall. How much longer would it take...?
They never realized. Maybe they never would. In the end, he even wondered whether he would actually want them to at this point. He struggled enough on his own, and too much sudden attention would likely make it a hell of a different kind.
It always comes down to the same question. Why? Why does it always end this way? The exact same pattern kept showing up. Whether two years ago, or now. The end result of that always left him feeling quite miserable at the end of the day, with no real solution in sight. Despite him being fully aware of what was happening. Perhaps, that in itself was making it worse too.
The irony in it all was almost tangible, but he certainly wasn't in the state to find it legitimately amusing. Back then when Mae asked why he invited her over, he hardly gave her a clear answer, saying that he didn't really know. In essence, that was a lie. Deep down he knew very well as to why. He just prefered to ignore that very problem out of principle because stating it would not solve it either. No wonder. How could it? His own attitude worked against the possibility of a solution. He wasn't willing to give up who he was to get something, and thus he was stuck...
The answer was quite simple. He was feeling lonely.
...but he always ended up alone, no matter what he did. Because he would look out for others first of all, instead of himself. He would not demand people to stay around him, because it didn't feel right. Couldn't, even. For it would seem that he had an unconscious ability to turn everything towards others' problems. No matter what the original purpose or meaning was, he frequently found himself on the end of other people's sadness and pain eventually, spending his time coming up with ways to make them feel better. Even though he may have been feeling much worse than them at the given time. He could easily recall plenty occasions. At least two with Shun, two with Mae (including what just happened today), one with Rita, Hyde...and a few others that were perhaps a bit less intense. In contrast with all that, he hardly ever had people actually help him instead. He was not one to openly ask for any kind of help, and people were naturally more drawn to the fact that he was showing interest in them, not noticing much else.
He did enjoy helping others in his own way. He really did. But perhaps due to his tendency to focus on holding others up when he could and helping them make sense of their issues, they easily took it for granted, just walking away in the end, assuming he was okay. So, he was always left on his own somehow, dealing with not only his own emotional mess, but others' too, because he cared too much not to. At one time he thought it was fine. He wasn't an exceptionally social and outgoing person afterall. Parties and the like were not his thing. The complete opposite was just as bad, however. The best he could do is try to talk to his walls when he was home, but thankfully he wasn't that insane yet.
Some people may not be doing it on purpose, but that would not change the fact that he often felt like crap once those emotional highs fell through, and he found himself watching the wind blow by as his only company. Periodically. Nothing ever lasted more than a while.
He was just sad. And alone.
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