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 Fuggen Goblin Storytime, Kiddos [Grubby's Work Thread]

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PostSubject: Fuggen Goblin Storytime, Kiddos [Grubby's Work Thread]   Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:14 pm

I'm gonna level with ya here, this is the most borin' part of the whole job. Not that I give a shit, frankly it's kinda peaceful. But ya can't just grab what you can grab and turn it around without any work. Nobody's just gonna up and buy crap that you found in their trash, if I could spin bullshit into gold like that you wouldn't catch me banging out a brick on this here pipe like I am right now. I'd probly be a bard or somethin', y'know, say some pretty words and people throw gold at me and lemme get my dick wet. But nah, that ain't me, I don't know any goblins that ever had it easy. So I bet yer wonderin': what the fuck am I doin'? So I got my scrap that I socked those jagoffs in the stones fer and now I gotta make it into somethin' a thug like me can use to get somewhere in life. Gotta take every advantage you can get and a spool'a wire in my skilled hands is better than a magic fuggen wand in a wizard's without any plannin'. And while I think straightenin' out wire and sharpenin' tarnished copper might be some good work fer an old man like me to get some time alone with his thoughts, ya probably think it's duller than a late-term aborted troll. So buckle up asshole and grab somethin' to shove yer fat fuggen face with. It's story time, pal.

Now here, now here... what do I wanna tell you shitdicks today? Hrrmm... yeah... yeah that'll do it. Aright, so here goes one'a my 'lil adventures with my merry band'a assholes. So's we've been chasin' after someone called the Dread Lord, real shiny piece'a shit he was. Black robes, had a magic fuggen sword that cut yer soul outta yer body, just yer basic fuggen puke stain that thinks he's edgier than a fuggen bag'a knives. Now I ain't know if you realize this but all of them gothic motherfuckers what like poetry and think they're better than you are ain't good for the environment, and this jagoff was in a whole 'nother bracket. Wanted to take somethin' called the God's Tear and use it to turn the Sanesari Desert into somethin' straight outta a devil's wet dream. Of course it would take a ritual sacrifice of everyone fuggen in it to work, so we was trackin' him down to the Temple of Ends. Motherfucker was gonna curse the land to turn drain the life force outta the souls'a everyone's damn feet, right through the sand there. Fuck that shit, buddy boy. So we load up the cart, get some camels, and off we go on an adventure.

And then the druid gets us fuggen lost. Girl can ask cactus for fuggen directions and still gets us lost out in the middle'a fuggen nowhere. Now I know you ain't been to the Sanesari Desert but that shit's hotter than elf on elf mud wrestlin' I'll tell you fuggen that. I ain't wear any shoes so I got I'm doin' the hot foot dance fer hours on end til Alabastor decides to finally take off his fuggen sausage can and let me ride on his shoulders. Sun's beatin' down, we're goin' on day three. No fuggen water in the last day. Shit's lookin' grim. So's I get desperate and I cut up the tent and make a nice 'lil robe outta the damn thing. Figure I can keep from cookin' like a fried egg. You think this mug is ugly now try seein' it glowin' bright fuggen yellow and peelin' off all my fuggen skin. It ain't fuggen pretty. Crunchy though, kinda salty. I tried puttin' in the stew once, it wasn't half bad. Made the druid puke her damn guts out so that's a plus.

Anyway so we're wanderin' through the desert and I'm thinkin' maybe we gotta kill the camels. I don't wanna do it cuz they really ain't deserve it, but I'd drink anythin' at that point and camel blood fell under the category of anythin'. A'course El'sino'or doesn't wanna cuz she's a damn hippy but I don't fuggen wanna either I'm just willin' to do it and throwin' out ideas. I start blamin' her cuz she's a goddamn druid and what fuggen druid worth their rotten fuggen underpants don't know Create Water and she starts gettin' pissy cuz she's an elf and they're always pissy. But I say somethin' like "How the fuck do you expect we beat the heat, then?" and then Orgnar gets a hair up his ass. Now Orgnar's a barbarian and a bit of a fuggen idiot, Pelor rest his soul, and he's got anger problems and solves his problems by cuttin'em down the damn middle. So he hears me say beat the heat and now he thinks he's up to the damn challenge. Now I don't know if this is cuz it's so damn hot out or if this is just stupid doin' as stupid does but he draws his greataxe and shouts out to the fuggen desert that he's gonna beat it and that no one beats him in a fight. Then he starts swingin'.

I remember laughin' my ass off but less because it was fuggen hilarious and more cuz I though we were all gonna die out there as this motherfucker's swingin' around an axe tryin' to fight the damn sand. Then he drops to the ground and starts punchin' the dunes and Alabastor's beggin'im to stop and El'sino'or's cryin' and I'm still chucklin' like a fuggen maniac and I shit you fuggen not he punches the sand so hard that water starts sproutin' up. Couldn't fuggen believe it. Hildebrandt says he got luckier'n shit and hit an underground water pocket. This asshole, this nose-pickin' glue-eatin' sumbitch just wrestled the damn desert and won. Everyone had a good, salty drink that day and no one questioned Orgnar's fuggen stupid bullshit barbarian challenges again. Well, up until he thought his rage could see'im to the end of a trap-filled corridor and the first step he took he fell in a damn pit trap that dumped him in the ocean. But anyway, the moral'a this here story is that if a man's got conviction he's gonna get shit done. Motherfucker got so mad he beat the shit outta a fuggen desert, still can't believe that shit. Well anyway, think I'm done here for the time bein'. I got a new couple'a sets of lockpicks and a flash bomb, figure this is good for now. I'm fuggen starvin' anyway and I could use the silver I get from offloadin' this pile'a shit to some less than upstandin' gents to grab me some meat, make a stew maybe. I'm thinkin' camel, I'm feelin' all nostalgic over here all of a sudden.

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PostSubject: Re: Fuggen Goblin Storytime, Kiddos [Grubby's Work Thread]   Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:58 pm

Perhaps if he fought an ocean he'd find a volcano.

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