Do you remember the calm (Sharaku)

Panic would spread over her face and straight through her eyes as Sharaku seemed to go quiet. She had broken him. That couldn’t be good, “You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward. I was just saying what came to mind.” She was rushing the words out of her mouth as quickly as she could, attempting to fix whatever it was she did. Why was she so bad at talking to people? Actually, she wasn’t. She just had a bad habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It was her curse.

She raised an eyebrow, “If you need me to say it, then you don’t know. I mean, you’re an attractive person, but…” That was her honest answer. She had to admit he was good looking and would probably make most women swoon, but she never felt that way with him. That was the reason she didn’t really want to make a comment before. She didn’t know how to say it. She was sure he knew though. He had to know that most people would find him attractive. Then again, she was sure that it was clear that neither of them felt that way about the other, “I guess I just don’t see most people that way. I can admit when someone is conventionally attractive, but to me most people just look average. That’s not on you though. That’s on me. I don’t know why it happens that way though.” Now her ranting was just one long stream of word vomit. She sighed at her own awkwardness, “I’m going to pretend my words make sense and move on now. And, no, I haven’t figured out the color yet. I’m pretty sure that it’s not orange, yellow, or black. I’m not sure if it could be blue, purple, red, green, or brown. I’m not even considering pink, and if it’s some weird color combination, I am doomed, because I can’t think that far ahead.” She was leaning towards red or purple right now. She rolled her eyes at his pout, “A normal Sharaku would be boring. I like you the way you are, and other people should too. If they don’t and try to change everything about you, then you don’t need them.” What good where people that didn’t like who you were. Sure, little things could bother them, but they shouldn’t try to change everything.

The shock in Naomi’s face was clear as day, “She asked you to kill her?” She would repeat in disbelief. What kind of situation was it where death was a better option than going on? Even joining sides and trying to make it through? She couldn’t believe it. That was horrible. And now there was a third one? How many of them were here, trying to escape death? This was the place they had come, trying to escape, and now it was dangerous. They couldn’t go on like this, could they, “Just be careful, okay?” She didn’t need any news that he had gotten himself killed somehow.

“Blame it on me being nosey, but now I want to know what you were going to say.” She was the cat that was killed by curiosity, after all, “Unless you really don’t want to. I’m not going to make you.” She only wanted to know how he would have finished that statement, “Still, good to know I didn’t make things awkward. That’s a good way to kill any conversation quickly.” She would laugh at herself. Sometimes it was good to just talk. Even if it was just them going round and round about nothing in particular. She didn’t know how to put it. It reminded her of a more calm time. It was nice.

She sighed in relief when he seemed to understand, “Thank goodness. Most people think I’m weird when I say that I don’t find most people attractive. Of course, there are exceptions. Strangely, it always seems to be when I have crushes that people are suddenly attractive.” She would stop right after she said that, “Well, chalk that up to Naomi talking too much about herself. Now you know more about me than you probably ever wanted to.” She wasn’t sure if that last part was sarcasm or not. She didn’t exactly know if he had any conscious desire to know that kind of thing, or if he never even thought of it. Well, he knew now. Oh well. She figured it was fair, considering everything they each knew about the other. She cheered a little, “Sweet. That means I am halfway there. Now I just need to narrow it down. I’m not thinking it’s blue, so… red or purple?” She really was leaning that way, and she may as well guess. She would give him a long, hard stare, “You’re not alone anymore, so used to it or not, it isn’t happening. I’m just saying that you don’t have to change who you are. The people who deserve to know you will accept you. If they don’t, well, you don’t need ‘em. Not that some people won’t try to change you for the better. They just shouldn’t change the fundamentals of who you are.” If that made any sense.

She couldn’t buy that. She would never believe there was a time when death was a better option than life. Her life probably hadn’t ever gotten to that point, so she couldn’t understand. Still, she believed that troubles were temporary and, “I don’t like knowing that you can think that way. Well, less that you can and more that you have.” She would almost look sad, “Death is so permanent. Once it happens, it’s all done.” She seemed almost uncomfortable, [color=#ffcc00] “If it means anything, I’m happy that you failed that time you tried.” She would leave it at that. She had right no talk, since she never considered suicide, “I trust you to do what you need to.” That was the other thing she would say about dealing with the woman. She believed Sharaku could take care of it. She knew he could.

She would look at him before giving a smirk, “It’s okay. I’m really expressive with people. I don’t expect you to be the same way.” She laughed happily, “Do I seem like I’m going to turn on you?” Her smile would turn slightly sad, “Sharaku, when I don’t like people, I will tell them. You know that from my relationship with Hyde. Heck, even then, I don’t think I would ever turn on him. I’m not that type of person.” She wanted to reach out and pet him like she did with other, but she wasn’t sure he’d care for that, “I understand that’s it’s a hard habit to break though. I just hope you believe me somewhere deep down.” She understood that his past was murky and filled with bile. She couldn’t erase that. She could only fix the future. That was something she would gladly do.

Her eyes twitched before her skin went sickly pale, “I got to avoid that part of health ed. Can we please not talk about it, especially if it was something Hyde said. I think I’m going to be sick.” That part of nature was so creepy. Even worse, she was the half that was expected to carry the baby. Consider it childish, but she didn’t want anything growing inside of her. It reminded her of those tales of watermelons growing inside your belly and splitting it open. That was a horror fest in and of itself. She shook the thought off before a light bulb went off in her head, “Why, Mr. Sharaku, I believe your favorite color is purple.” She would say with a smile. She hoped she was right. She always suspected it was something along those lines. Strange conversation though, when you stopped to think about it, “Take whatever time you need. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or so they say. No one can reasonable expect you to change who you are overnight. You have years of experience behind you, and that will always have an effect on how you act. They’re the habits that will always stick around, because they are the ones that kept you safe and that you used when you were learning who to be. They make you who you are.” Everyone was like that. The real issue was making sure they weren’t completely dominated by it forever. She didn’t want him to change who he was. She liked this Sharaku. She only wanted him to see that he could be anyone he wanted now. Whoever it was he wanted to be.

So, he only stuck around because death may have been worse? That made her want to cry. No one should ever have to feel like life was bad, and death could be worse, “Being afraid of death and not wanting to die are not the same. I’m not saying you should be afraid of death, since I don’t know what it’s like, but I’m hoping you found something that you want to live for.” He wasn’t in that place anymore, so maybe he was willing to find something good. She couldn’t and wouldn’t force him. She only hoped. She trusted him, and that was his business in the end.

She would give a cocky, feigned offended smirk, “Are you saying I’m an open book?” Not that she minded. She liked that people could tell what she was thinking. It made her feel better about talking to them, especially since she wasn’t good at speaking herself. She would release an audible groan when Sharaku switched topics, “Don’t get me wrong, I love Alphonse, but I’m not too excited about him planning to fix me and Hyde. We don’t get along for a reason. There are just some things that don’t go the way you planned. This is one of them. I’ve told Hyde the only way I will give him a second chance. If he wants to do that, it’s his call. If not, no skin off my nose. Aside from us two, I think the team gets along fairly well. Except for me and Kurosawa, but we also never hang out. I mean, I invited him over recently. I think he got a little mad at me, but we ended the day well.” It had been a bit awkward. Still, she knew more about him now than she had before, “Thanks for the warning though. If we would have popped that out of the blue, I probably would have gone off. This way, I can be ready to keep my calm.” He had no idea how helpful his warning really was.

She would put on a face of exaggerated nausea, “Please. I don’t think I can make it. The damage to my poor mind is too severe. Leave me to die and decay.” She hung her head as if she had just died before laughing, “Honestly, there is a point at which you can say someone is giving you too much information. I think things like that are the reason people should come with mute buttons.” She had no idea why anybody would want to have a conversation like that. It was creepy. She would applaud herself, “Knowing I was finally right is the only thing I need. I’m just glad I got it.” She stared at him almost blankly, “Stop being so pedantic- if that’s how you use that word. Just, do what you need to. Time may be short, but we are masters of time. I’m not letting some vague concept run my life.” She was a rebel like that. She was also a little crazy.

She shrugged, “Dying isn’t easy, but it isn’t hard. You die when you don’t want or plan to. I don’t even know if the people who want to really want to.” She wasn’t someone that ever considered it, so she didn’t know, “I admit that I don’t know a lot about what people are thinking when stuff like that runs through their head, but I don’t want to believe anyone really wants death. I think we all just want better lives.” Not that she knew if that was what everyone wanted. It was just an idea. One she thought could be right, “If we die, we’ll never get that. Maybe that’s why people don’t really want to die.” Or something like that.

She shook her head, “Not a bad thing. I just hope I come with an index page.” She liked the book analogy. She liked books. Well, she liked them when she bothered to actually read them. Usually she kept within the visual and auditory media. Books may fuel the imagination, but she liked to look at the colors and hear the sounds other people made, “As long as you understand me, it’s all good. I just don’t want to think I’m leading you around in circles.” That would be awful. Then he really would have no idea what she was talking about. She shrugged, telling him she didn’t mind, “We’re a team. As dysfunctional as we are sometimes, we have to communicate. I don’t mind you talking to Alphonse about it. I just wish his first course of action wasn’t to try and fix us. I think we work better the less we have to deal with each other. Besides, he knows the reason I’m angry and I’ve told him how to fix it. If he wants to make up with me, he knows what to do. If he doesn’t, that’s his call. Playing therapist for us won’t fix that.” She rubbed the back of her head with a slight blush, “I guess we are. Still, fixing us won’t do much. I don’t think we even can be fixed. I think we’re caught in this endless loop of hating one another and getting angry. My fits of violent rage don’t help that; it’s just that I can’t stop.” She really did believe it was far too late for anyone to help. The only way to fix her relationship with Hyde was for him to do something about it, but he always found new ways to piss her off instead. It was inevitable.

“Don’t need to. I always wanted to be cremated. It’s what everyone in my family does. The issue is usually who gets the ashes, but since my mom is my only family, I guess she wins by default.” It was strange though. She had never gotten to see her Grandmother’s ashes after she died. The debated ended with her uncle getting them, and then he moved away from Azores. It was too bad. She loved her Grandma and would have liked to see them once in a while. At the time, she had been the only grandkid, so she was spoiled, “We may not have a mute button, but we have duct tape. They are essentially the same thing in this situation. Except one of them is excessively painful to remove.” Guess which option she was rooting for? It was the silver one, “Hey, English is hard. Even for native speakers it makes no sense.” Which was true.

She sighed, “I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” She wasn’t that type of person. She always had hope that things would get better. She always wanted to change things and make them better. Even if she didn’t know how, she always tried. It just didn’t make sense to her. It probably never would.

She chuckled, “It would be nice, but I don’t think I’d want one. Then you wouldn’t get to learn about me. You’d just have to flip through the pages and find the answer. How dull would that be? I’ll tell you: very.” She liked people knowing her and how she felt, but she wasn’t that open, “I think I understand you well enough, too. Well enough to have an extended conversation with you at least.” She rolled her eyes, “I can’t control his feelings. He says I don’t give his the time of day, and nowadays that’s true. In the beginning though, I was much more willing to let it go. Back then, I only wanted him to say he was sorry and to acknowledge what he did and why it was wrong. If he would have done that, I would have been more lenient. Instead, he kept acting like he was free from blame. I even tried to help him out by telling him why I was upset, and he still acted like he had done nothing wrong. It wasn’t until his mistakes affected an entire world that I decided he wasn’t worth my time anymore. His action put several people in danger. The thing that made me the angriest, however, is that he endangered people I care about with both actions. They were both things that could have been easily avoided, too. In one, he should have relayed all the information. We could have done something before Lune and Rinna went to that world. They came back though, so I was a little more forgiving for that. Not much, considering what they still had to go through, but enough to function. The other thing should never have happened… He shouldn’t have been in the other San Malarus to begin with. We had agreed to stick to certain worlds and investigate. I was learning so much about it, and I had even made a friend…” Her eyes dropped in sadness, “There was only one rule that had to always be followed: don’t let anyone know you have a Persona. It was such a simple rule. Then Hyde went into that world, not even asking me if there was something he should know. He goes into a world he knows nothing about and the first thing he does is get in a fight and summons his Persona. How stupid could you be?” Her face was a mixture of sadness and rage, “Even if you didn’t know, you shouldn’t just summon them out of the blue. Do you know what the reactions of the people who say that were? They were terrified. They started booing and yelling at him. The guy he was fighting was filled with so much fear. He was a mess, begging Hyde to leave and throwing attacks to make him go away. You know what Hyde did? He kept fighting. He was given the option to go so no one got hurt, but he kept going. I’m sure from everyone but Hyde’s perspective, he looked like a monster. He was the beginning of their most feared event all over again.” Her hand was clutched tightly around the fabric of her lower half, stiff so that it wouldn’t shake, “I told him that, but he won’t acknowledge what he did. He keeps making excuses. He keeps trying to find some reason none of this is his fault. I can’t stand it. That’s why I won’t give him the time of day anymore. Not until it’s fixed. I told him that. He just doesn’t listen.” She clenched her teeth so hard the ached.

She took a deep breath and sighed, “I know. Our team is messed up. I’ve always known. Unless you forgot my angry rant from when we were still new.” She remembered, even if it was said out of anger towards Hyde and was mostly bull shit, “We have so many issues between people. Half of our team doesn’t get along with one another. It’s not a good way to function. I think the only thing holding us together at this point is the desire to do something. We don’t even completely know what that something is.” For her, it was to save the home she always knew and her friends in every world, “We’re a mess.” She laughed almost sadly at that, [color=#ffcc00] “I know how you feel. I mean, I get along with Alphonse, but I don’t get along with everyone either.” She tilted her head, “If you need someone punched when they deserve it, my services are always available.” She offered. That would be fun.

She gave a cocky smirk, “We can have a regular old ice-cream social. I’ll bring the colorful syrup.” She had to contribute somehow. Plus, she only had control over dirt and mud. Nothing too fun about those. Unless you liked being sucked into the void. Or, maybe she could make a maze for fun. She didn’t know how much effort that would take though. She wiggled her eyebrows mischievously, “I have a purse. I’ll make a note to start carry duct tape with me.” Problem solved. She laughed, “I’d say this is going a little bit better than decent, wouldn’t you?” She thought it was rather nice, in fact.

She nodded, “I guess it does…” It was true. She couldn’t think that way, so she couldn’t understand. She followed his eyes out across the ocean as a smile worked its way across her face, “Lovely view, isn’t it?” She had grown to like this place quite a bit these last few months. She couldn’t help it. It felt like the last calm place in the world to her. Something she was dearly missing.

Still, she could use one. Then she could find the answers about who she was by herself. Still, that would be boring too. She actually was enjoying figuring out who she was. She hadn’t completely changed, but there were some things she never would have thought about herself she was finding out. An index would have been so boring for that. Plus, that would make a person set in stone. She didn’t like that. She wanted to change. Naomi was almost surprised when Sharaku put his hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with sadness and fading anger. She was so tired of being angry, but she couldn’t forgive Hyde. Not until the wrong he did was made right. She put her hand over his and smiled, “Thank you…” It was nice having him there. He was the person she got along with the most out of the entire group. Heck, he may have been the person she got along with the best out of everyone she knew.

She nodded in understanding, “I don’t blame you. Going alone is a fool’s move.” It was an ugly situation. She didn’t know what to think anymore. She sighed heavily, “I know you’re right. I guess I was just hoping we could make this thing work. We were the first ones to realize what was going on, so I was hoping we could defeat it together, like in the shows. This isn’t a TV show though. Our problems aren’t simple misunderstandings that can be fixed in half an hour.” She went silent for a moment while she thought, “You may be right. We may have to break up, but I don’t think that’s the right answer either. Maybe we can fight separately from one another, but maybe we can also still use each other for information and backup? As dysfunctional as we are, we also know how to fight with each other. It may be a matter of just knowing when we can work together and when we can’t.” She was also an optimist, or she tried to be. Maybe she was trying too hard this time, “Still…” She didn’t know what to say. Maybe it really was time to break up the group. Or, maybe there was a way to gather up all of those who could fight and have them all work as some kind of pool. Sending those who could and would work together to solve the problems, [color=#ffcc00] “We need people to work together if we’re going to do anything. Like you said, going alone is suicide.” She could do it. She could stick with the team for as long as she needed to get this done. Then they could go whatever way they wanted. She shrugged, “Offer will still be open whenever you want it. The only exception is that I won’t punch people I like.” She thought that was obvious, but said it anyway.

She leaned back on her feet and laughed, “Maybe it’s time you took a page from my book and learned the joys of being young again. I’ll make sure this social is a real bash. Ice cream and syrup and little candies for the top; I’ll bring it all.” She ate sweets all the time. Both because she liked them and because she used them to stay awake. She didn’t get sugar crashes, so it was a good system, “We’ll have an hour or two where supernatural stuff isn’t messing with us. Sound like a plan?” Not that she knew when they would get the chance, but it was a nice idea. Just a moment or two when nothing was going wrong. She drew an X over her heart, “I promise not to use it on you. You don’t make me want to.” He was someone she actually liked talking to. She smiled when he agreed that this was going well, “You’re right, the ocean is great. One of the perks of living on an island.” You were always surrounded by water here. An ocean wherever you went.