So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx)

Subject: So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:10 am

I'm gonna kick that wizard in the gatdamn taint.

One minute I'm yuckin' it up, havin' an ale with the boys and plottin' our next move on the Crimson Keep and then a fuggin' house walks into a bar. How 'bout that shit fer a punchline? Well it wasn't fuggin' funny... okay it was a 'lil funny but right now I'm pissed the fugoff. I get it, we're all people, we make mistakes, he fucked up some gobbledy gook and got us sent to Azmodeus knows fuggin' where. That I understand. But not havin' spell components for the trip back? How the fuck were we supposed to get back from Crimson Keep? Hike out our thumbs, show some leg, and pray a cart comes along? You fuggin' serious? When the fuggin' goblin that can't even fuggin' read got a better head on his shoulders than you do you need to get yer life outta the shitter. That's what I told'im anyway, straight to his stupid face. I know he's my brother and I'd give the world for him but how can ya be that damn smart and still be fuggin' dumber'n shit? So I take a walk. I need to get a scout on the place anyways.

Kinda reminds me of home. Smells like shit, looks like the peasant side of town, if it weren't fer the fact that the shacks all looked like they tried fuckin' each other this place'd be somewhat familiar. Place looks like a goddamn orgy mixed with a furniture store on peyote. Dark too. Fuck this is a layer of the Nine Hells, innit? I hope I'm not dead and we're just on a fun family outing to the depths of the fuggin' shit pits, I'm gonna be so pissed. Dragons ain't kill me, Watcher ain't killed me, vampire lord ain't killed me, BAM! Death by stupid fuggin' wizard chewin' on his tongue. Hilderbrandt if yer dumb ass don't fuggin' fix this...

ANYWAY. Gotta get a scout on the area. Much as I'd like to we can't hide out in shit shacks all day playin' footsie and spin the bottle. If we're gonna find a way out we gotta get the shit the wizard needs and that means actually goin' out and doin' it. No big deal. Gotta know where to run and know where to hide and what we're up against. So's I'm walkin' down the street chompin' a fuggin' stogie like a dumbass instead of skulkin' around and doin' the opposite of gettin' fuggin' skewered cuz I just don't giva shit right now. And what do I see? Pale, dark eyes, horns. Yep we're in the Nine Hells. Fan-fuggin'-tastic. I take a puff and walk up to the guy. He looks alone enough, and not all twitchin' around like twenty more'a the bastards are waitin' in the wings. If shit goes bad I can take'im. Or run like a bitch. We'll see how this goes first.

I take a solid lungful of that sweet, sweet dogshit of a cigar I got and I give'em the swagger like I own the fuggin' place. Prolly gonna get me killed in hindsight but I'm already here, so I give'em the swagger. Just sidle up to the guy. Ain't got anythin' to lose but my life and I'm in Hell so fuggit.
"Hey tall, dark, and spooky" I tell'im. Guy seriously looked like he was a little too into vampires fer a demon. Guess there's misfits all over, I should know, I'm the fuggin' patron saint.
"Yer dressed pretty well to be standin' ankle-deep in piss and regret. You lost or you know yer way around?" First things first, I gotta know. This guy's either gonna be cryptic as shit cuz they all are or he's gonna try to claw my face off. Cryptic annoys the hell out of me but I can work with it, claws-to-face and I run and get the paladin. Besides, this might just work out. Askin' the only guy that looks like he don't belong in the gutter with horns 'n shit if he got the time of day. Ain't no way this'll bite me in the ass, nosir. Fuggin' Azmodeus the fuck am I thinking?

Subject: Re: So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Tue Nov 07, 2017 10:27 pm

Onyx Rhine

Yeah, the Slums could be quite the rundown alright, as well as house the strangest kinds of individuals in their depths. Some days, it sure proved to be a tough place to live in without some sort of a mess happening left and right, but one eventually adapts to the oddities. Getting too amped up about everything just takes a toll on your health anyway, and that's no good way to live in the long term. Thus at this point, Onyx just kind of took things as they were unless given a solid reason to deal with a matter or stick his nose into one. Aside from personal interests that could come up of course. Gets boring when you don't find anything to do with your life. Though these days there was a boom with that due to the strangeness happening and these weird new powers suddenly appearing. Not that it was a good idea to flaunt that wherever you went however, so it wasn't as much entertainment as it could potentially be.

Eh, life is life and you gotta do what you gotta do. At the very least, there was nothing stopping the pale man from taking one of his occasional walks around the neighborhood, pondering various matters as he wandered about. Fresh air and some physical activity makes for good brain fuel. He had been currently observing something down the street in the middle of his stroll, when he was suddenly distracted by someone's voice and presence. Ah. The horned man would blink as he snapped his attention towards the newcomer, once again faced with his never ending dilemma of not seeing well when someone was too close in his personal space. He could tell that this one was short and a bit on the grotesque side look-wise though.

Sticking his hands into the pockets of his black jacket, Onyx would tilt his head downwards at the being addressing him. "Hello to you too.", he would smile thinly before shaking his head a bit. "I don't see no piss here, but I do live in this area, so I'm not really lost. If I may inquire, is there a reason why you ask me such?" He had noted the gruff way of speaking and all, but would for now remain in polite mode as he had no particular reason to make a scene out of this.

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Subject: Re: So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:16 am

"Might wanna check yer feet then, hotshot." Yeah, I know, he ain't literally standin' in piss. I just wanna make'im look. But that ain't what I meant, this whole place was piss. Shantytown like this it was even in the air. You been in as many places as I have you learn to have a good nose and Eau du Eatsindumpsters coated the slums like flies on dwarf. Guess that was just my prerogative, always gotta find the most unlikely situation and stick my big damn nose in it. So here's a guy that obviously doesn't belong in here with the rest'a the riff raff and apparently he lives here. Cuz that ain't ominous at all or nuthin', nosir. But he ain't a demon like I thought he'd be. A real demon'd have me between two slices of bread and that fancy mustard that comes outta the jar by now. Naw... naw he's somethin' else. I don't like the way he's got his hands in his pockets so I don't step no closer. Spikes fer brains could be packin' some serious iron. Maybe I'm not a sammich by now cuz I'd make a better kabob. Hope he likes eatin' shit. Odds are he probably does.

"So's I came to you cuz you don't fit in with the rest of the gutter rats," I begin, keepin' my distance just in case he makes a move, "I mean lookit me. I fit in here! I'm covered in fuggen dirt, I smell like shit, I'm ornery as all get-out, 'n and what I'm wearin' used to look like an outfit. You look like you'd be servin' tea at one'a those fancy parties with the monocle-wearing caviar muchers and the silk doiles they lay out to wipe yer ass on." Alright, I'll admit, I don't know what silk doilies are for but they're softer'n shit so that's what I'd do with'em anyway. Fuggit, live large and shit on doilies.
"I'm a gamblin' man, so the way I see it one'a three things is gonna come outta askin' the one guy that don't look like he belongs her fer directions: One, yer a noble that ain't know shit and as soon as I turn around and take two steps I'm gonna turn back around and yer gonna be on the ground in a pool'a yer own blood and missin' yer shoes. B, yer the exact worst person to ask and I'm gonna say goodbye to my breathin' privileges fer the rest for the whole twelve seconds that constitutes the rest of my life, give or take a second. And last yer the exact best motherfucker I coulda picked outta a crowd that no one really fucks with cuz he knows this place like the wrinkles on his dick. So without further runnin' of my fuggen mouth..." I gesture out to the ruined hellscape around me, the Battle Royale of the Buildings: Revenge of the Patio from Hades.

"...what the FUCK, man!?" I take a long puff off my stogie as I find out how I'm about to so-very-delicately phrase my question.
"What the fuck gives!? Yer houses can't decide if they wanna be buildings or fuggen interpretive fuggen dance, I don't even know WHAT the fuck that is in the goddamn sky, and I ain't seen a hooker fer twelve blocks now you tell me that's natural cuz I'll call bullshit on yer lyin' ass."

So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Tumblr_orvc2tjKk21u1e35so2_500

I calm down from my rant a 'lil after almost bitin' the end off my cigar. I'm just so damn steamed over that shit-jugglin' wizard I up and lost my nerves and my marbles. He ain't even cryptic like I thought he'd be, so I got my expectations broken in all sorts of fuckery. But it ain't his damn fault. Unless it is, never trust a... y'know I ain't even know what this jagoff is.
"So what, yer like a Tieflin' or a Shade or...?" I asks him, tryin' to get the conversation a 'lil more mild mannered instead of yet another goblin throwin' a shit fit against people that ain't even involved.

Subject: Re: So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Sat Nov 11, 2017 8:38 pm

Onyx Rhine

“Thanks, I think I’ll do without though.” He’d think he would have been aware if he had been standing in anything nasty. And well, even if not, he wasn’t particularly bothered as long as it wasn’t all over him. If it isn’t broke, do you need to try and fix it? There’s worse things in life than that either way. Besides, Onyx didn’t really think Slums to be that bad. Yes, they definitely had their downsides, but when one considered how they were created, it was still impressive enough that they even worked. Plus, how tidy an area was depended on its inhabitants too, so not every part of this ward had to look like a poor man’s straw house.

Onyx would give the smaller one an inspective look once the other began unexpectedly monologuing about who fit in here and who didn’t. Well now, this one certainly had interesting ideas about how things worked, that was for sure. Yes, some people down here maybe did look like homeless sacks, but just because one lived in a less maintained part of town, it didn’t mean they were automatically a dirty street rat. It didn’t seem to always work in simple ways.

“Assumptions probably won’t get you far in this place, lil man.”, he would shrug weakly. “I chose to live here myself, not because I can’t afford a fancy place at all. There’s all kinds of people in the world.” He kind of found this place interesting. After all, what were the chances that you’d come across actually interesting people in the rich areas? While it wasn’t a staple, mentalities did seem to change a bit with location. Regardless, he would listen to the next rant mostly silently, trying to decided whether he should be amused or taken aback by this. Hm. Well, this guy came off like some kind of a traveler rogue or whatever. With lack of proper language to boot. Onyx didn’t particularly mind being sworn at though. He’d be more concerned if he were to get attacked. That was a whole lot more pain to deal with. Someone cussing is just background noise, really.

Tilting his head a bit, the pale man would offer his odd companion a bit of a shark like grin. “You are correct, this isn’t completely natural. I’ll guess…you’re new here, aren’t you? This area isn’t built by the people, that’s why it doesn’t look very cohesive.” Weirdness kind of happens when a place is built by the random pieces that get torn off from various other worlds. It can indeed look like a caricature in some areas. It’s…sort of artistic though? Bringing up one hand to rub his chin contemplatively at the more direct question that came later, he would respond in an even tone. “I don’t think I know what the former is, but the latter is probably close. You wouldn’t be familiar with my race anyhow…” Considering the melting pot, that was just how it was.

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Subject: Re: So, Um, What the Fuck? (Grubby & Onyx) Sun Nov 12, 2017 2:23 pm

"Yep, yer a Shade alright," I says, takin' another long drag off my cigar. There ain't no bones about it. He's got the spooky thing goin' on and he's as cryptic as motherfucker. 'Course he's just as cautious'a me as I am'a him, I don't blame'im. Seriously, would you trust this face? If I were in his fancy shoes I'd'a put somethin' sharp in my neck just to be sure, us gobs ain't exactly the most desirin' bein's to be around and a lotta us are more violent than my calm ass. I blow the smoke out my nose in a nice big cloud'a rancid ash. Man this thing sucked. Last time I pick up smokes from haflin's.
"Aah, so yer a fixer, are ya?" I says with a toothy tar-stained grin, "Nice clothes, no shit-fer-brains accent, nobody botherin' ya... well, 'cept me cuz I don't give a fuck... and ya want to be down here. Lemme tell ya friend nobody wants to live in a shit shack in the bad side'a town unless they got business here. Folks like you an' me? We're businessmen. I got ya."

I wink at the spooky freakazoid, thinkin' I got'im nailed harder than a high elf whore in an orcish battle camp. Guys like this are the most dangerous motherfuckers you could ever lay eyes on down in the wallows since they're the ones runnin' the show. He's gotta be a fence or a trafficker or even part'a the black market, but nobody bothers this guy cuz he provides a valuable service to the... shall we say less civilized folk. And if ya fuck with'im you ain't gettin' a piece'a that pie no more and everyone else that calls this guy "mister" is gonna put a steel-toe boot in yer scrotum for thinkin' you got the balls to fuck with the biz. I feel like it is in my very personal best interest to get all chummy with this jagoff, certainly not the kinda guy I want shittin' in my pancakes. I spread my arms wide, showin'im I'm all friendly and shit.
"Nah, I get ya! Ya like the proximity! Easier to do business down here if yer livin' in it and ya got protection, no worries!" I take another good swallow of my burnin' shit stick, fuggen piece'a crap cigar tastes like steamed dwarf taint but it keeps me level.
"*cough hack* N-! *UuuurrRHURGH!* ...shit... ...Name's Old Grub, mister. I'm a... purveyor of valuable artifacts if you wanna call it that," I introduce myself, coughin' my fuggen lungs out and swirlin' my stogie all casual like. Figure it'd be good fer a guy like this to know my skillset, ain't enough rogues to go around. Brigands? Yeah. Highwaymen? You fuggen know it. But ain't enough folks nowadays got the patience and the subtlety to be a real burglin' trap evadin' walker'a the night.

"So what's'a Shade doin' here on the Material Plane?" I try to butter'im up, bein' all friendly'an shit. And then my face falls, the flamin' hunk'a shit fallin' outta my mouth and onto the cracked ass street. Nonsense buildin's. Guy assumin' I'm new here. Tall dark and spooky jagoff tellin' me my assumptions ain't shit and this place ain't built by mortals.
"Oh fer fuck's- ya fuggen kiddin' me!?" I rub my hideous fuggen mug, "Don't tell me I'm in the fuggen Plane'a Shadow, tell me anythin' but I'm in the fuggen Plane'a Shadow!" Sunova fuggen whore, just my fuggen luck. Hildebrandt cocks up his spell and gets us sent to the most annoyin' fuggen place in the Planar Multiverse. Fuggen dumbass wizard.

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