About Damn Time [Grubby Awakening]

So check this shit out right here, lookit what the fuck I found. This place got some kinda carriage system in place to get the fuck around but it ain't got no horses or nothin'. Just this big metal boxes, everyone steps on'em then they go places, motherfuckers line up out the fuggen door just to get on these things. Lazy bastards don't like walkin'. Guess I'm no different, I'm usin' this fuggen thing too. Motherfucker I ain't walkin' to an' from my shop everyday, I'm fuggen old, that shit'll take all damn day. Ya step through this gate lookin' thing an' then ya put the weird card thing up on the whatsits and it says yer name an' lets ya in. Shit pisses me the fuggoff. I ain't tell nobody my name, the fuck do they know? I could be Jack Mehoff fer all they fuggen know, I ain't tell nobody shit. But it's fuggen convenient so I put up with it. One'a these days I'm gonna catch the phantom that's sayin' my name and put a fuggen knife in it. Fuck you I can't stab no ghost, I know a fuggen wizard asshole. I can do whatever the hell I want to.

But I'm usin' this damn thing here different today, I ain't goin' home. Nosir, I figure if I'm gonna get my crew up in my shop up safe I gotta figure out just where this shit goes so's I'm gonna get in the box fer a while an' try to figure it the fuggout. Nah I ain't scared a shit, I'll be fuggen fine, always is. I ain't got my knife on me but I gots the next best thing: fuggen crossbow gauntlet. Get a load'a this shit, while I been runnin' round the damn slums tryin'a find which way my ass was pointin' Hilderbrandt found a way to put a crossbow in a damn gauntlet so's I can walk around town an' not get fuggen hassled 'bout it. Good fuggen shit right there, this shit's even fancier than these damn floatin' boxes what take ya places. But anyways I gotta get fuggen goin', so's I put up my card an' I look around fer that ghost but I ain't see'er so she gets off easy today. Invisible fuggen bitch. I plant my ass at the platform an' have me a good smoke, got me the chocolate see gars again, best part a my day right here. Keeps the fuggen crowd a freaks away from me too. But the shit come glidin' up to the damn walk so's a grind it out on the floor and step in the box. Time to take me a little ride, let's see where the fuck I end up.

Weakness:

The Impact:

Huh. How 'bout that. Guess I was wrong. Usually this place is packed with more pricks than two copper hooker but guess I'm the only one that's gotta be somewheres today. And I ain't got anywhere to be. Ya know life's fuggen funny that way, when I wanna get off my damn feet there ain't no place to sit, now that I ain't in no hurry to get nowhere none a these jagoffs are here. Just mah damn luck. Whatever, at least it ain't filled with the smell a sweaty balls, fuggen sucks bein' short in public lemme tell ya. So's I stroll in, kick up my damn feet an' do what any sensible goblin would do in this here situation. I light my fuggen cigar again. Fuggit, if there ain't no one to chew my ass off about me smokin' I'm gonna fuggen smoke! I sit waaaaaaay the hell back, but my head in my hands, puff on my fuggen fudge flavored shitstick an' have a merry ol' damn time. Y'know it tastes better when ya know you ain't s'posed to be doin' it? Rude as anythin' but I don't givafuck, I just miss smokin' indoors. Can't even smoke at the damn hideout cuz El'sino'or gets her fuggen thong in a knot.

I may be kickin' my damn feet up but I keep my wits about me. Ears open, eyes glancin' between the windows an' the door. Now I know whatever comes I'm packin' some serious wood bu- KAAH ha ha hurgh-*wheeze hack*! Ha-ack, I didn't even mean to do that one! Whew boy... yeah but I got my fuggen crossbow gauntlet, shit's so damn amazin' I just wanna have a reason to pop it at somethin'. I know it ain't mean nothin' good when a place that s'posed to be busy is empty, I walk thought a town once or twice, I know the deal. But right now I ain't got no shits to give, whatever this shit is I'm gonna be fuggen fine. Got no exit strategy aside from kick ass an' take names til I run outta parchment but it's better than fuggen nothin'. We'll see how this shit goes, kiddos. Buckle the fuck in.

Action:

Bump bump bump bump. The fuggare we, runnin' over cats or some shit? Ya think fer havin' some kinda magical bullshit carriage they'd take the bumps out but that's just my common sense tinglin'. 'Least the seats are comfy. Damn comfy. I wanna take whatever these fuggen things are made of an' make'em into a loincloth, keep my ass powder fresh all damn day. Box is startin' to get a bit hazy from all the hangin' smoke but I don't give a shit, I'm alone over here. Ain't no one gonna bitch an' moan. Then I hear a bing an' a whoosh an' I nearly shit my drawers, got my hand on my gauntlet like you wouldn't believe. But it ain't nothin'. Just some jagoff what with one'a those crappy sacks. Rip right easy, ain't even made outta burlap or nothin', like they're fuggen leaves or some shit. I blame the elves. Daisy sniffin' motherfuckers. But I settle on down an' take my finger off the the bolt I got hid in my gauntlet, reason Hilderbrandt made this shit is so I don't scare nobody.

"Nah I ain't give two shits," I tells'im, "Pull up a seat, take a fuggen load off, kick off yer shoes even. I already fuggen did. Keh heh." A 'course I ain't wear shoes anyway. Fuggen pain in the ass, don't let my toenails grow, ya get'em wet they just fuggen drag like soggy ass all day, I'm fuggen good with my stirrups. Lets the bunions breath real nice like. Since we's the only two in here I ain't gonna put out my damn flamin' turd yet, not til he says nothin'. I blow out some more smoke but I do it up an' away from the motherfucker. I might be bein' rude but I'm not some asshole what got no fuggen respect, I just want a damn smoke in the magic get-you-there box. Simple fuggen desire. I sit fer a minute, scratch my ass, and think I might as well pass the time with somethin' that ain't scratchin' my ass.
"So where the hell ya goin' pal? Where's this fuggen chariot take ya today?" Might as well be friendly, this jagoff ain't give me a reason to be no asshole yet. 'Cept he's a tall motherfucker, I could poke some fun at that all damn day if I wanted.

"Aright, I'm gonna level with ya here, I don't know what the fuck a bye ped is but whatever gets yer rocks off, good on ya," I says, chompin' at the flamin' stick hangin' outta my mouth, rollin' it around in my chapped ass lips. "I ain't really surprised you longshanks got the most people out on the planes, ya fuck anythin' that puts on lipstick! Kaaaa ha haaa-huu-UuurK!" I end up coughin' up a damn lung but that shit was funny right there, I don't care who ya are. Ain't nobody heard a half-goblins I'll tell ya that damn much. Or half-gnomes but that's a fuggen joke by itself. Or half-halfli- y'know what the fuck would they call those hobbit bastards? Quarterlin's? Eh fuggit, it ain't happenin' anyway. Now fer those'a you that ain't aware it's a pretty big fuggen stereotype that pinkies'll whip their dick out fer anythin'. Ya got yer half-elves, yer half-orcs, anythin' they got a fuggen half fer there's a human behind it. Call'em breeders but if I said that he'd prolly slug me and I wouldn't even be mad, I'd deserve that shit.

"HuUUURMMmm! Fuggen shit... Aww don't look at me like that I'm just yankin' yer damn chain. Nah I ain't goin' nowhere in particular, I'm just ridin' the magic box today, see where this shit goes. Ain't really got no reason but I ain't need one neither. I'm old, I ain't got shit to do, it ain't gonna hurt me to find someplace new. Maybe I'll find me some good shit, I don't fuggen know, just gotta roll them bones." Now that ain't all true but most of it is. Sure, I'm here to see where the fuck this thing takes me an' I'm only out to find new places. That's called fuggen scoutin', son. Ya go a place ya never been an' ya remember it fer when ya go back to do shit. Easy greasy. But that ain't a thing ya tell people, that yer scoutin' a place out. Makes'em nervous even if ya ain't got no bad intentions.

At least he takes it all in stride, I like this motherfucker already! He ain't all uppity like all the other jagoffs I done met, sniffin' their own farts an' callin' it roses. I blame it on the youth, I remember bein' a self-centered 'lil bastard just like they was. Good to meet a man that can hold a man's conversation.
"An' if ya don't ya got yer damn pick I tell ya. Place gotta be the Upper Planes fer some a these freaks," I says, givin' the a grin. Me I just like bitchin' about shit that don't matter, makes the whole stuck in the Plane'a fuggen Shadow business seem small when ya think about it. He hands out one'a them trail rations at me an' a break off a bit, can't say I'm hungry but can't say I'm not. I pop the sucker in my mouth an' it tastes like I thought it would: sawdust an' oats.
"*crunch munch crunch* ...how much you pay fer this shit? I coulda sold ya a damn fish fer five a them Vee See an' it wouldn't taste like yer suckin' down wood. An' not in the good way." I cough a bit as I take a big lungful'a fuggen smoke then I hold out my ash stick to the guy. Share an' share alike, right?

Guy asks me where I'm from an' I gotta be honest I ain't exactly inclined to say. Word gets around that I'm from the Material Plane pretty sure a pit fiend's gonna wanna give me some flexin' lessons fer my butthole. Nah, nah he's a fuggen pinky, it ain't gonna do no harm.
"Place called Snead's Ferry, 'bout three days north a the Wilden an' right off the Dagger Coast," I says. Happened to be where we was 'fore Hilderbrandt went and wizarded all over the damn trip to Crimson Keep. Gotta remember to punch that bastard in the stones when I walk through the door. I gots a quota to keep. I been noticin' he's got Mage Armor on himself when I get back the last couple'a, might lay off a bit an' catch'im by surprise.
"But that was back on the Material instead'a this fucked up shit carnival right here. Fuggen Plane'a Shadow bullshit. Where you come from buddy? You out from Le'Orla? Ya got the look about ya. Speakin' a which the fuck you get here in this piss festival? I just got unlucky."

"Pft... You sure I could eat it man? Whatever you fish up on this random would could be made of ninety percent lead for all we know heh." He laughed as he took another bite from his bar.

"Huh, can't say I've ever been heh."the man's smile returned as Grubby talked about his homeworld and where he came from. The man simply nodded at Grubby's description of the land and his home's relative position to places he had never heard of nor ever would.

"Plane of shadows huh? Weird name for it but hey, to each their own long as you can justify this weird place that's all that matters. I myself was born here. My parents came on from two different worlds, juuuust compatible enough to breed. I've considered hopping off once or twice but really I think I'd be more confused by leaving than staying at this point heh. Though you said you got unlucky huh? Did Junction just port in over your house?... Or did you get here through other means?" The man's smile did not waver.

"Ah don't be such a chicken shit," I waves him off, tokin' on my flamin' chocolate turd, "I ate the fish an' I'm do just fi-*hIHack! uuuUUUORGH HARK HARK!*...mmmm sonuva fuggen bi-heh, bitch. Gotta be somethin' in the air." Yeah, like my fuggen smoke.

...Aw gimme a damn break, both you an' me know it weren't the damn fish, I got a reputation to keep. I sell no fish if I couldn't eat the damn things, my hands are fuggen spotless ya hear? But it ain't makin' me stop, I'll stop when I'm fuggen dead. Gettin' too old to quit anyhow, rather I be happy an' choke myself to death than fuggen miserable a couple more years. I ain't got no problem with that, it's everyone else that got the problem.
"Aright I see ya, so yer one'a those halvsies. Wouldn't a pegged ya fer bein' half shade or whatever the fuck you is, you pinkies all look alike. 'Cept the half elves are fuggen pansies and the half orcs got them chompers runnin' up their face. Ugly sons a bitches make me look han'some, I fuggen tell ya. Gotta admit this a fucked up place, you wouldn't believe how many folks I seen in the bad part a town wearin' fancy fuggen noble's robes. Shit ain't right, gives me the creepy crawlies."

I put my burnin' stick behind my ear so I can pick the damn oats outta my teeth, got one right behind the gums there. Damn thing's gonna make me crazy. Then he asks me about how it is I came to be down in this shit show. I'm fond'a stories, figure I'll tell'im a bit. But I ain't tell the most important part, that shit'll get me killed.
"Yer fuggen outta yer damn gourd if ya think this place is any good place to stay, I'm fixin' on gettin' outta here first chance I get. Fuggen dumbshit wizard mumbo'd when he shoulda jumbo'd and wrapped half the damn guild hall through a damn house. Not the good half either, the fuggen door. Motherfucker I had barrels'a ale in the damn basement, the fuck I need the welcome mat? Lucky fer me had most a my tobacco on me, it's a pain in the dick but I guess I ain't the unluckiest motherfucker on the planes. Got all my limbs still attached, I'm sorta breathin' over here, and I ain't had no demons turn me into a hand puppet yet so I got that goin' fer me."

"Huh... So you got here through magic, that explains it..." the train suddenly, and without warning or notice, ground to a stop. If Grubby looked out the window he would see nothing but the subway tunnel. No terminal, no station."Well, this is my stop. It was nice to finally speak with you Grubby." The man stood, taking a black jacket from one of his bags and pulling it on.


The man walked to the already open train doors, and hopped down to the track below. "Heh...puppet..." A small chuckle echoed through the tunnel, just as the lights on the tram went dark, leaving Grubby in the empty cart alone.

"That's the same explanation I use fer shit I can't explain. Like how this thing we're hitchin' a ride on move, fuggen magic pal." I'm about to stick my hunk a burnin' shit back in my mouth when I get done talkin' when the thingamajigger just fuggen stops jiggin'. Throws me up an' outta my seat, flat on my goddamn nose. Then the shit hit's the fuggen plate. That asshole stands up, say he's gotta go, door opens up into fuggen nothin'. An' he calls me by my fuggen name. I ain't give him my damn name.


Now I'm dumb but I ain't fuggen stupid. I been around the block enough times to know what gettin' fucked in the ass feels like. An' buddy boy I just got bent the hell over kickin' an' screamin'. I bounce my stogie 'cross the ground, embers flyin' every which way as I try to pop up on my feet an' get in fuggen stranglin' range but I ain't as young as I used to be. I'm a quick ol' bastard but not as quick as I wanna be as that goddamn rat bastard jumps outta the box an' the door slams shut.
"I'll make a damn puppet outta you when I shove my foot up yer ass!" I shout an' bang on the door but it ain't do no fuggen good. Asshole's fuggen outta my reach. I slam my damn fist on the winder as the lights go out, only thing I can see is what the glow a my cigar gives off. Aright motherfucker. I see how this gonna be. This ain't my first fuggen rodeo, you wanna play hardball I'll send ya home in a pinewood box.

I been in quite a few traps in my time but this the first time I been in the damn trap. Brings back memories. I tend on makin' this a reunion what where I slit some evil motherfucker's throat, bring it all back full circle like. I grit my teeth an' walk over to my cigar, pop that shit in my mouth. I could use the source a light. Looks like I got my excuse to put some arrows in some uglies, ladies an' germs. Guess what asshole? I ain't afraid a the shit in the dark.

C-C-Click!

The lights flicker back, bathin' the damn place in a dark red glow. I don't mind none. I was seein' red anyway, might as fuggen well match my mood. My head's hurtin' somethin' fierce, think I took a worse spill than I thought. Hope my fuggen nose ain't broke again. I need a punch card fer that shit, I'd have me a free meatball sub by now. Damn this fuggen poundin' in my fuggen skull. I grab my head an' wince but I ain't keep it there. Gonna need both hands fer this one, pain'll stop after a few ales back at the hideout or when I'm dead, whichever happens first. Sonuvabitch I'm gonna have to move everyone as soon as I get back, no ale for Grubby. That shit pisses me off. When I find that greaseball fuck I'm gonna string'im up by his vocal cords from the damn ceilin'.

An' then it starts. I hear the rippin' an' the tearin' at my back. I turn around real slow and start walkin' backwards, my gauntlet pointed right at the door. Now I ain't scared'a nothin' in the damn planes but I figure I'm gonna need all the distance I can get outta this one. Might get off two arrows instead'a one. I sure as shit ain't gettin' these fuggen doors open. No where to hide. Nothin' to do but fight this one out. I'm an ornery bastard, I don't care what comes out that door it's gettin' a few holes in it 'fore I take a dirt nap that's fer damn sure. I take a deep puff off my cigar. Damn that's good stuff. Might be the last thing I ever taste. That'd be aright with me, not that I'm intendin' of dyin' here. This ain't even the most dangerous situation I been in, this ain't even in the top three. I shouldn'a lived through those either. Guess we're gonna see how this goes. Fuck my fuggen head fuuuuck! I load a bolt in my crossbow, pull it back. I flick my cigar cross the magic movin' box, watch it skip off the metal. I put my arm up to my eye an' get ready to let that shit fly. Time to get some work done.

Weakness:

Impact:

Action: