Roll up in the club like "Waddup, I got a Nuzlocke"

DAMNIT KUKIU! Stop breakin' into my goddamn house!

So Mom throws me out with Kukui to do some festival thing or whatever, but Kukui wants to go catch Pokemon. Y'know, to be honest, I'd rather go catch Pokemon. I know he's a Pokemon Professor (I guess they set the bar really low in the Alola region), but I'm from freakin' Kanto. I don't need to learn how to catch Pokemon. There are old men literally everything throwing Pokeballs or rocks or beer bottles at stuff screaming about catching Pokemon, we kinda get the concept. That's actually how they caught Grampa. Miss you Gramps, hope you get parole.

I think Kukui just wants to show off or something, but he catches a bird thing. Huh. Neat. Imma catch my own bird thing! GO MAC DADDY, YOU SHOW THE WOODY WOODPECKER ASSHAT WHO THA BIRD 'ROUND HERE!

OOC:

We fought them on the beaches. We fought them on the plains! Yet still they came to throw themselves onto the sword! The dirt was soaked red with their blood, our muscles weary... but we would persist. We would hold that ground!
...nah, JK. I spent the afternoon slaughtering poor woodland creatures left and right with my mac daddy Bernie and... Woody. Because Woody Woodpecker motherfucker. Y'know, I didn't think I'd name him that but I guess it works. Anyway, I make it to the festival like Mom and Kukui told me to do. Saw some trainers along the way. All of them were kids. But I gave them no quarter. This one kid was REALLY happy that I murdered his Rattata, I really don't understand it. Why are third graders participating in dogfights anyway? Melemele is fucked up. I did see one girl, she was probably older than me, said she'd show me her sister. Then she threw out a Caterpie. I didn't even think we were fighting, I thought she was tryna set me up with someone. Killed that one, too. Then she told me that her parents caught it when she was born.

Like, wuuuuuuuuuut. Caterpie don't even live that long, bitch, and the fuck is it still a Caterpie? You been hella slackin'. So after crushing some hopes and dreams I see Hau again. Lil' punkass still wants me to slap him around. Then the Kahuna shows up while I'm flexin' my pimp hand and tells me it's Pokemon again. Festival bullcrap. Whatevs, I smoke him wherever the fuck he wants. So these crazy assholes think I'm the "chosen one" or something because the Robot Master likes me and the Kahuna gives me a bracelet. Oooooo...kaaaaaaaay... But Kukui tells me about the Island Master Challenge! Fuck yeah, all these people are idiots, I can TOTALLY take this!


HOLY. SHIT. Mom just gave me 35 grand! Where the fuck does this money even come from!? Wait... THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FLOUR BAGGER. AND THAT TIME I HAD TO SHOOT A DEA AGENT IN THE KNEES MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW! Wait... if we had that kind of cash why the hell do I get free school lunches!? Is this my fuckin' college fund?!


Y'know, opening up a Pokemon battle screaming "Kneecaps!" is a great way to get a bat to one. As one kid learned. Reminds me of my childhood for some reason. Caught a bird with HUGE ASS wings tho. I named'im Peeko because... actually, I don't fuckin' know. I don't need a goddamn reason to name things. Quit judgin' me.